Ambivalent1
🎵 Be all, end all 🎵
- Apr 17, 2023
- 3,278
Is everyone terrified when it comes to ctb? It's beginning to feel like a test of courage. And normies say it's for cowards. Ridiculous.
-
⚠️ UK Access Block Notice: Beginning July 1, 2025, this site will no longer be accessible from the United Kingdom. This is a voluntary decision made by the site's administrators. We were not forced or ordered to implement this block. If you're located in the UK, we recommend using a VPN to maintain access.
Octopixie
If not now, when?
- Jun 26, 2023
- 18
Which part terrifies you?
For me I'm only terrified of failing again and everything that comes with it. I don't want to ever be stuck in a psych ward or crisis stabilization unit. It was a total waste of my time. Didn't get to see an individual therapist at all and I didn't see my doctor until the 6th day I was there. I don't want to have more surgeries and have to spend everything I have on medications that only decrease symptoms instead of stopping them altogether. The worst part though would be having to face people I know and explain once again that I wasn't being selfish but being in constant pain while my body slowly deteriorates is pure hell. I gave up explaining why their comments about them needing me in their lives for various reasons is the epitome of selfishness and how guilt tripping me is the fastest way to get booted from my life.
For me I'm only terrified of failing again and everything that comes with it. I don't want to ever be stuck in a psych ward or crisis stabilization unit. It was a total waste of my time. Didn't get to see an individual therapist at all and I didn't see my doctor until the 6th day I was there. I don't want to have more surgeries and have to spend everything I have on medications that only decrease symptoms instead of stopping them altogether. The worst part though would be having to face people I know and explain once again that I wasn't being selfish but being in constant pain while my body slowly deteriorates is pure hell. I gave up explaining why their comments about them needing me in their lives for various reasons is the epitome of selfishness and how guilt tripping me is the fastest way to get booted from my life.
Yes, I'm really frightened of the actual act. I've always hated that expression: 'cowards way out.' Not just because the actual act is so difficult. I think they view carrying on living as being the 'brave', noble thing to do. Don't get me wrong- I think it CAN be. I've known family members who were old and ill and suffering but I think they hung on for their families. That obviously was a great sacrifice but it was also clearly enough for them.
By the time some people are so beaten down with life- what are the chances of them choosing to live a terribly challenging life? Many of us feel as if we're pretty much dead already, just drifting through life, or, treading water. Perhaps others will perceive that as still being enough- or- 'valuable' but for us- it really isn't.
I get it that this wouldn't make sense to them but- I personally believe- when the time is right for me (when the last remaining person my CTB would really affect is gone,) the actual cowardly thing for me will be to stick around. Because I'll be doing everything I can to live an easy life- I have no motivation to 'get better' or succeed now- so- why would I push myself? I'll just exist with as minimal effort as possible. What's so 'brave' about doing that? What's even the point of doing that- for me?
By the time some people are so beaten down with life- what are the chances of them choosing to live a terribly challenging life? Many of us feel as if we're pretty much dead already, just drifting through life, or, treading water. Perhaps others will perceive that as still being enough- or- 'valuable' but for us- it really isn't.
I get it that this wouldn't make sense to them but- I personally believe- when the time is right for me (when the last remaining person my CTB would really affect is gone,) the actual cowardly thing for me will be to stick around. Because I'll be doing everything I can to live an easy life- I have no motivation to 'get better' or succeed now- so- why would I push myself? I'll just exist with as minimal effort as possible. What's so 'brave' about doing that? What's even the point of doing that- for me?
Kerrtu
Komeetta ♊︎
- May 8, 2023
- 474
I get irritated when people say suicide is the easy way out. If it were easy, I wouldn't be here.
As far as being terrified, I feel I've finally crossed that threshold and I don't fear what's to come in terms of discomfort, tachycardia, death. It's taken some time, some failed attempts, but I feel ready.
Last edited:
Fabi_2312
Member
- Jun 10, 2023
- 15
It can be really hard to ctb. We live in an anti suicidal world, everyone thinks ctb is bad and it supresses the ones who want to find their freedom.
day
Global Mod
- Jun 24, 2023
- 650
Tend to practice my methods often and build bravery to fight SI. It's not easy but I hope one night alcohol can help take off the edge. Stay safe friend <3
Ambivalent1
🎵 Be all, end all 🎵
- Apr 17, 2023
- 3,278
How fast would hard alcohol take to kick in? I plan to pull over on a bridge, get out, drink really fast, then jump. Problem is there's other cars.
day
Global Mod
- Jun 24, 2023
- 650
Well what's your weight in LBS? I'm 110lbs and it hits me in 15mins for peak.
If you drank and could get some betablockers or benzos I think it'd help fight SI pretty well but that's just me.
If you drank and could get some betablockers or benzos I think it'd help fight SI pretty well but that's just me.
What terrifies me most is failing and becoming a veggie although proper planning and everything this could happen.
"Normies" should just shut up because CTB especially when it comes to the actual last act need so much more courage than just saying worthless words.
"Normies" should just shut up because CTB especially when it comes to the actual last act need so much more courage than just saying worthless words.
LittleBlackCat
Specialist
- Feb 6, 2020
- 315
I'm terrified. When the time comes I hope benzos do the trick. One of the reasons I'm still here is fear of ctb. I'm a highly anxious person anyway
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 43,501
It's just the reality that suicide is so unnecessarily difficult in this world, if I had a method as peaceful as Nembutal I would feel so relieved and would have no problems going through with ctb but sadly having access to such a method isn't the reality.
Methods like hanging and jumping scare me personally but the main thing that I fear would be a suicide attempt somehow failing, it's so horrible how we exist in this hellish world where suffering people cannot just choose to leave in peace, those who manage to ctb despite all the difficulties certainly are so incredibly courageous, those who call suicide "cowardly" are hateful, delusional and just ignorant.
Methods like hanging and jumping scare me personally but the main thing that I fear would be a suicide attempt somehow failing, it's so horrible how we exist in this hellish world where suffering people cannot just choose to leave in peace, those who manage to ctb despite all the difficulties certainly are so incredibly courageous, those who call suicide "cowardly" are hateful, delusional and just ignorant.
Ambivalent1
🎵 Be all, end all 🎵
- Apr 17, 2023
- 3,278
I don't have 15 min. I would be stopped
Ctb is harder for us anxious types. Sucks
Shirokuma
Member
- Feb 11, 2023
- 35
It's only natural, it takes a lot to overcome that feeling. The fear of the unknown and the fear from a sensation you have never had.
What will it feel like to die, and more importantly what will it feel like to be dead? Honestly for me, I wish I had something to believe in to carry that burden. That this is good, or there was something waiting better after this. Unfortunately I don't believe in that as I don't know.
Ultimately, It's truly a test of conviction.
What will it feel like to die, and more importantly what will it feel like to be dead? Honestly for me, I wish I had something to believe in to carry that burden. That this is good, or there was something waiting better after this. Unfortunately I don't believe in that as I don't know.
Ultimately, It's truly a test of conviction.
