Why is suicide so hard

[hassan]

I have been suicidal for 3 years and seriously for the past 2 months. I have spent the last 2 months researching all day everyday which led me to this website. I am 100% I want to die so that is no issue, I have never had any friends and family so I will not leave anyone behind. I have nothing to live for and my future will be a life of poverty, homelessness and mental torture. I am in constant guilt about being the reason for loss of the family business.

I have tried hanging countless times but I end up panicking and standing up before I pass out. I have been to the train station many times with the intention to jump in front of the train but it scares the hell out out me when the train approaches. I am not worried about traumatising the train driver as I am so desperate to die. I have never had a social life or any friends so have never taken any drugs so do not know how to overdose or where to get drugs from. My biggest fear is heights and drowning so it will be next to impossible for me to jump from a building or from a bridge.

I moved to the US recently from the UK so my only hope now is a gun. However the last time I was here I had a psychotic episode where the police took to me a mental hospital where I stayed for a week. I am not sure if this will prevent me from obtaining the firearm as it was in a different state I am also in New Jersey which is the hardest state to get a gun. I also thought of going to a shooting range however that is also a disappointment as you cannot hire a gun individually and as I have no friends which I cannot do. I have tried to dehydrate myself many times to death but I give in and starting drinking again.
I have contacted euthanasia clinics but this also seems hopeless and a very long process for mental health.
I have read about SN on this forum but the process seems difficult but I will read more into it. I thought of buying Nembutal from a website I found on Yandex however this is risky as it could be a scam and the risk of getting in legal trouble.

At this point I have almost given up and am forced to live a life of hell which I have been doing for the past 10 years.

 

[jodes2]

Yeah buying N is 99.999% likely a scam. SN isn't that hard, you just need antiemetics. It's all easy to get if you know where to go, just ask on here and someone can PM you

 

[UKscotty]

N is most likely to be a scam, it pops up from time to time on the darkweb markets but you have to make sure its trusted sellers and escrowed.

SN is heavily promoted and pretty easy to get but it is unreliable and depends on other substances in the right amounts, and it takes hours to work.

Then back to your question, why is it so hard? It is hard because the three main methods are violent and no one wants to do them except in a very manic state. Shooting, hanging and jumping.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it to be absolutely disgusting how suicide is purposely made so difficult in this cruel, pro suffering society, and the difficulties, complications, risks and just the fact that reliable methods are inaccessible for me is the only reason as to why I still exist. It certainly can be so awful and tiring feeling so trapped here when you really want to leave and we shouldn't have to struggle so much in finding ways to die.

The option of a peaceful suicide should be a basic human right after us being so unfairly forced into existence in the first place and it's wrong how it's not. But it certainly is such a prison like existence when suicide is something that is this difficult and none of us should have to stay here a second longer than we wish to. But anyway, it really sounds like you've suffered so much so I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

It's supposed to be hard. If it were easy, we'd all check out and there'd be nobody left.

Millions of years of evolution have seen to it that we always try to survive. Even when we wish we wouldn't.

Please be careful with yourself. Beating yourself up mentally doesn't accomplish anything.

 

[Shadowlord900]

From what I've read about euthanasia clinics, getting admitted for mental health alone is almost impossible, heck having a mental disorder present even while having a serious illness can greatly reduce your chances of getting accepted. The MAID services in Canada only recently are gonna allow people with serious mental illnesses within a couple of months time. If you're ever 'unlucky' enough to get a terminal illness, best not to let the euthanasia clinic about any mental health problems you do have.

Any CTB methods involving heavy physical activity (most of the ones you've listed) are generally more difficult to perform than other methods because you have to fight against your survival instinct harder. On the flipside, CTB methods involving ingestion of some kind can be easier to perform, but getting the right materials and tools and sometimes even performing the method correctly can be more difficult.

 

[sadloner]

i can very much relate to attempting a million times and no matter how much you want to die its just too hard. its just the survival instinct that makes hanging basically impossible. it seems like some possible ways to clear survival instinct are lots of alcohol or benzos. alcohol interferes with a lot of other methods though because it makes your body very prone to thowing up unfortunately.

 

[missingpeace]

I understand your pain.. I'm in a place of wanting to leave as soon as possible, too.. it's not easy to knowingly go through immense pain and give up your life, I have SN but after reading some threads on here wondering if it will work or not. I will still try it anyway that's all I can do. Before SN I was thinking of giving inert gas ago but logistics seems difficult but somehow I have to give it a go.. I will keep trying till something works..

 

[Darkover]

because we avoid pain and seek pleasure, if hanging your self wasn't painful everyone would be doing it