Why is it so hard to pull the trigger

[9chello]

The last 6 months have been really rough. I isolated myself and haven't really had any social interactions, I'm getting kicked out of Uni if I don't start doing anything soon and i've developed some chronic medical problems that are only getting worse.
My life is at an all time low and still, I havent had the courage to end it. The only thing stopping me is failing and ending up in a worse position than I'm already in.

 

[Exhausted546]

The last 6 months have been really rough. I isolated myself and haven't really had any social interactions, I'm getting kicked out of Uni if I don't start doing anything soon and i've developed some chronic medical problems that are only getting worse.
My life is at an all time low and still, I havent had the courage to end it. The only thing stopping me is failing and ending up in a worse position than I'm already in.

You have a gun?

 

[Deer_Dairy]

If you are not sure you want to do it, maybe there is still something you can do with your situation.
All the more so when you are in a situation where you have a weapon. It is quick to take it to the hand and put an end to it.
Much quicker than hanging for example, where you have to buy/take a rope, prepare the place or even find a tree, step on stool or something...
So I guess you really do not want to do it. Only my opinion, no offense. I understand how it is to feel that way. I tried to give life another chance more than once.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I am in agony. The anxiety of trying to hang myself and being unable to. Time running out before I have to appear normal and functional. In less than an hour I have to leave the house. I've attempted partial several times today. It doesn't work! You can't just lean into a rope like that. I could risk FSH right now but it's broad daylight. My stomach is turning. The fear of hanging to death is serious business. What on earth am I going to do

 

[Deer_Dairy]

I am in agony. The anxiety of trying to hang myself and being unable to. Time running out before I have to appear normal and functional. In less than an hour I have to leave the house. I've attempted partial several times today. It doesn't work! You can't just lean into a rope like that. I could risk FSH right now but it's broad daylight. My stomach is turning. The fear of hanging to death is serious business. What on earth am I going to do

I am not joking. Sit down or walk, whatever is more ok for you. Try to stay calm. Breath slowly and deeply. Think about nothing. Try to regain control over your body. If you want to, do an easy tawk like making a tea or wash the dishes. Keep breathing!
As you become calmer, try to think about this situation. It is absurd in some way. You made it a lot of times - I mean being functional. This time you will make it too. Why you need to ctb right now? The death will be here until all of life vanishes. It won't miss you. No need to feel stressed about it.
We are here for you. Share your thoughts if you want to.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Thanks @Deer_Dairy. I made such a mistake indulging in suicidal ideation for so long. Virtually all my time goes to trying to psych myself up to the act. When I'm busy, the thought of impending relief in death is constant. But I'm too afraid to commit. So I spend all day in this limbo, further damaging myself.

The way I've spent my days for the last 5 months or so is purely destructive. I'm relying on things I learned in the normal times long ago for my residual mental function.

I don't know where this is headed. It coming to a head is probably me failing in my duties and stranding people soon. I SAID, maybe even THOUGHT I wanted death to be the outcome but I just can't do it.

Imagine the stress of deciding whether to kill yourself all day for months. It's not a smart thing to do to yourself.

 

[Deer_Dairy]

I am in agony. The anxiety of trying to hang myself and being unable to. Time running out before I have to appear normal and functional. In less than an hour I have to leave the house. I've attempted partial several times today. It doesn't work! You can't just lean into a rope like that. I could risk FSH right now but it's broad daylight. My stomach is turning. The fear of hanging to death is serious business. What on earth am I going to do

I am not joking. Sit down or walk, whatever is more ok for you. Try to stay calm. Breath slowly and deeply. Think about nothing. Try to regain control over your body. If you want to, do an easy tawk like making a tea or wash the dishes. Keep breathing!
As you become calmer, try to think about this situation. It is absurd in some way. You made it a lot of times - I mean being functional. This time you will make it too. Why you need to ctb right now? The death will be here until all of life vanishes. It won't miss you. No need to feel stressed about it.
We are here for you. Share your thoughts if you want to.

Thanks @Deer_Dairy. I made such a mistake indulging in suicidal ideation for so long. Virtually all my time goes to trying to psych myself up to the act. When I'm busy, the thought of impending relief in death is constant. But I'm too afraid to commit. So I spend all day in this limbo, further damaging myself.

The way I've spent my days for the last 5 months or so is purely destructive. I'm relying on things I learned in the normal times long ago for my residual mental function.

I don't know where this is headed. It coming to a head is probably me failing in my duties and stranding people soon. I SAID, maybe even THOUGHT I wanted death to be the outcome but I just can't do it.

Imagine the stress of deciding whether to kill yourself all day for months. It's not a smart thing to do to yourself.

I know that stress very well, unfortunately. It is paralyzing and it can lead you to very bad decisions you would never make normally.
For me, the thoughts about end of existince is relieving, too. But still I am not 100 % sure if I want to do it.
Lets say it differently. I do not want to do it, but at this time I do not see any other option. What does it mean? It means *I* do not see an option. But there maybe is. Maybe it is enough to ask someone about it. Or even discuss this matter here.

Look, can I help You somehow? In any way, just let my know and I will do my best.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Thanks for caring, @Deer_Dairy. That's kind of you. My problem is I hate myself so intensely that it's a constant quasi-physical pain. Have you heard of Baumeister's escape theory? That's me. I just want unconsciousness so I don't have self-awareness. I developed such a weak and nasty personality. What I've said, done, and failed to do torments me every waking moment.