Why is it so hard for some to ctb but not others?

[Iwantoutrightnow]

Last July I went to my jump spot but I was stopped by the chaplains who called the police and I ended up on a psych ward. I promised myself that I would try to make my life better one last time. I did therapy, I started a degree, I did voluntary work and applied for jobs. The therapy was awful and didn't help, I crashed and burned with my degree and working - well it just didn't happen. I'm done now. I've been done for a while, I was all set to go back to my jump spot and then lockdown happened before I could get there. I've paid for my funeral, a simple cremation with no service, I was waiting for the paperwork to arrive before I went to the place but it didn't arrive in time.

I've been researching partial suspension. I've looked on the wiki, I've tried to find my cartoid but I can't. I've put the rope around my neck and pulled to test the placement but nothing happens, it's uncomfortable is all. I've attempted it but nothing happens. I don't get why it's so hard. People ctb everyday but I'm still here. My cousin ctb nearly 3 years ago on diazepam, quetiapine and vodka - threads here say that's not possible but it is. I tried and took more than she did and I just slept for a long time. I know someone who ctb on paracetamol and whisky, again that is said to be unreliable but people do achieve it.

I wanted a peaceful end but I have accepted that that just isn't going to happen, I don't think it's supposed to be peaceful. Even if you die by natural causes there is no way of knowing if it was peaceful. But why is it that some people can just ctb like that? Or is it that they struggled to ctb for a while and then one day it happened?

I'm in my flat alone, no one to find me, it's perfect conditions. So I'm thinking any method would be fine as there's no one to find me. If I od on paracetamol it will take some time and be painful but with no one here to find me and get me help it could work right? I have enough for what should be a lethal dose but I don't want it to take months, would it take months? I'm rubbish at knots which is where I might be going wrong with the partial but if I did full and something went wrong it wouldn't matter because there's no one to find me so I'd die anyway right?

I think SI is a problem, I'm worried about the person who does eventually find me. If i've been dead in my flat for weeks that's really not going to be pretty for them. I know that it's never going to be nice for the person who finds the body but this really bothers me.

I haven't eaten for 4 days to try and limit the excrement that comes out of me if I do manage to ctb.

Sorry, I guess I'm just frustrated. I've also been thinking that maybe I'm already dead, that I was successful when I tried to ctb years ago and that this is hell because it feels like attempts to make things better always fail and so do attempts to end it all.

 

[Walilamdzi]

Hey can you explain to me any more of the circumstances of your/your cousins quetiapine related OD? It's something I have quite a lot of so have been considering.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

On average, people who CTB took several attempts to do so.

The body is extremely resilient and it takes a great deal of courage to overcome SI.

I know its cliched but I really am sorry you're going through this. I hope you find peace.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I've od'd on quetiapine and vodka and then with diazepam mixed in as well. The quetiapine and vodka, I took a lot of quetiapine, I'd been saving it for months. I can't remember the amount but I was found unconscious, I was taken to hospital. I was in a bad way, I don't remember what they gave me but I was in intensive care for a few days, it's all a bit hazy sorry. The one with diazepam, I had less quetiapine, I definitely lost consciousness but I wasn't found. I just woke up in my bed in pee soaked sheets. I felt rough for a few days.

My cousin took quetiapine/diazepam/vodka in the woods, she was found by a dog walker. She was skinnier than me, maybe that helped her.
I know that cutting is also unreliable because the blood clots and stuff and I really don't want to make a lot of mess. But if I cut and then rubbed dirt in it how likely would it be that I could die from sepsis? I know it wouldn't be pleasant but I don't think any method will be.

 

[deadpixels]

I've od'd on quetiapine and vodka and then with diazepam mixed in as well. The quetiapine and vodka, I took a lot of quetiapine, I'd been saving it for months. I can't remember the amount but I was found unconscious, I was taken to hospital. I was in a bad way, I don't remember what they gave me but I was in intensive care for a few days, it's all a bit hazy sorry. The one with diazepam, I had less quetiapine, I definitely lost consciousness but I wasn't found. I just woke up in my bed in pee soaked sheets. I felt rough for a few days.

My cousin took quetiapine/diazepam/vodka in the woods, she was found by a dog walker. She was skinnier than me, maybe that helped her.
I know that cutting is also unreliable because the blood clots and stuff and I really don't want to make a lot of mess. But if I cut and then rubbed dirt in it how likely would it be that I could die from sepsis? I know it wouldn't be pleasant but I don't think any method will be.

You mentioned an important aspect, she was "skinnier". When the chances of any method are considered, it's often considered the chances of a random suicidal person using the method, not a particular person. A good example is firearms, one of the most statistically reliable methods, but if someone never touched a firearm before, chances aren't so high.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I think I have a high tolerance for medication. I remember being in hospital after a serious injury and I was on a morphine pump, I could administer a dose every 5 minutes. One day the nurse told me that I should have been out have been floating because of the amount I'd had but I was fine and still in pain so I don't think pills could ever work for me.

Any opinions on the sepsis plan?

 

[I screwed up]

Unfortunately od'ing on benzos , alcohol does not work ... Few years back people did ctb with sleeping pills and booze. No longer possible now with changed formulations.
Have u considered SN , its more peaceful than cutting or OD on Paracetamol.
SI is a real bitch ... It is the reason I am still here, in fact my SI is so bad I feel scared to even acquire SN which is my method.
Edit: sepsis is a long shot and very painful method.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I have considered SN but I can't get the anti emetics.

I'm not concerned about it being painful. Would rubbing wet mud into wounds be effective?

 

[NekoNomNom]

Seriously. I've been asking this question for the past few weeks. I recently visited the Facebook profile of a former schoolmate of mine. He died 5 years ago. They found him unresponsive in his bedroom. He had dextrocardia, and I'm sure him drinking attributed to his sudden death. He wasn't an alcoholic by any means, but he did have an appreciation for alcohol.

I also read an article where a teenage girl died from inhaling helium for fun with her friends.

It's just not fair how people can accidentally or easily achieve death, while we struggle to find that peace.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

Last July I went to my jump spot but I was stopped by the chaplains who called the police and I ended up on a psych ward. I promised myself that I would try to make my life better one last time. I did therapy, I started a degree, I did voluntary work and applied for jobs. The therapy was awful and didn't help, I crashed and burned with my degree and working - well it just didn't happen. I'm done now. I've been done for a while, I was all set to go back to my jump spot and then lockdown happened before I could get there. I've paid for my funeral, a simple cremation with no service, I was waiting for the paperwork to arrive before I went to the place but it didn't arrive in time.

I've been researching partial suspension. I've looked on the wiki, I've tried to find my cartoid but I can't. I've put the rope around my neck and pulled to test the placement but nothing happens, it's uncomfortable is all. I've attempted it but nothing happens. I don't get why it's so hard. People ctb everyday but I'm still here. My cousin ctb nearly 3 years ago on diazepam, quetiapine and vodka - threads here say that's not possible but it is. I tried and took more than she did and I just slept for a long time. I know someone who ctb on paracetamol and whisky, again that is said to be unreliable but people do achieve it.

I wanted a peaceful end but I have accepted that that just isn't going to happen, I don't think it's supposed to be peaceful. Even if you die by natural causes there is no way of knowing if it was peaceful. But why is it that some people can just ctb like that? Or is it that they struggled to ctb for a while and then one day it happened?

I'm in my flat alone, no one to find me, it's perfect conditions. So I'm thinking any method would be fine as there's no one to find me. If I od on paracetamol it will take some time and be painful but with no one here to find me and get me help it could work right? I have enough for what should be a lethal dose but I don't want it to take months, would it take months? I'm rubbish at knots which is where I might be going wrong with the partial but if I did full and something went wrong it wouldn't matter because there's no one to find me so I'd die anyway right?

I think SI is a problem, I'm worried about the person who does eventually find me. If i've been dead in my flat for weeks that's really not going to be pretty for them. I know that it's never going to be nice for the person who finds the body but this really bothers me.

I haven't eaten for 4 days to try and limit the excrement that comes out of me if I do manage to ctb.

Sorry, I guess I'm just frustrated. I've also been thinking that maybe I'm already dead, that I was successful when I tried to ctb years ago and that this is hell because it feels like attempts to make things better always fail and so do attempts to end it all.

Last July I went to my jump spot but I was stopped by the chaplains who called the police and I ended up on a psych ward. I promised myself that I would try to make my life better one last time. I did therapy, I started a degree, I did voluntary work and applied for jobs. The therapy was awful and didn't help, I crashed and burned with my degree and working - well it just didn't happen. I'm done now. I've been done for a while, I was all set to go back to my jump spot and then lockdown happened before I could get there. I've paid for my funeral, a simple cremation with no service, I was waiting for the paperwork to arrive before I went to the place but it didn't arrive in time.

I've been researching partial suspension. I've looked on the wiki, I've tried to find my cartoid but I can't. I've put the rope around my neck and pulled to test the placement but nothing happens, it's uncomfortable is all. I've attempted it but nothing happens. I don't get why it's so hard. People ctb everyday but I'm still here. My cousin ctb nearly 3 years ago on diazepam, quetiapine and vodka - threads here say that's not possible but it is. I tried and took more than she did and I just slept for a long time. I know someone who ctb on paracetamol and whisky, again that is said to be unreliable but people do achieve it.

I wanted a peaceful end but I have accepted that that just isn't going to happen, I don't think it's supposed to be peaceful. Even if you die by natural causes there is no way of knowing if it was peaceful. But why is it that some people can just ctb like that? Or is it that they struggled to ctb for a while and then one day it happened?

I'm in my flat alone, no one to find me, it's perfect conditions. So I'm thinking any method would be fine as there's no one to find me. If I od on paracetamol it will take some time and be painful but with no one here to find me and get me help it could work right? I have enough for what should be a lethal dose but I don't want it to take months, would it take months? I'm rubbish at knots which is where I might be going wrong with the partial but if I did full and something went wrong it wouldn't matter because there's no one to find me so I'd die anyway right?

I think SI is a problem, I'm worried about the person who does eventually find me. If i've been dead in my flat for weeks that's really not going to be pretty for them. I know that it's never going to be nice for the person who finds the body but this really bothers me.

I haven't eaten for 4 days to try and limit the excrement that comes out of me if I do manage to ctb.

Sorry, I guess I'm just frustrated. I've also been thinking that maybe I'm already dead, that I was successful when I tried to ctb years ago and that this is hell because it feels like attempts to make things better always fail and so do attempts to end it all.

Acceptance.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

Acceptance.

Yes, I think this has a lot to do with overcoming SI. Also, I still want to be able to just go to bed and die in my sleep even though I know it's unrealistic. I can't get N, I looked again at getting SN but I can't find it on any website that doesn't say that if it looks suspicious it'll be reported and even if I could get it I can't get the anti emetics. I have hoped every night for so long that by some miracle I just won't wake up. I have trouble sleeping now because I don't want to wake up to another day, staying awake means I don't have to wake up. When I do sleep I wake up with my heart thumping and I lie in bed thinking if I stay really still and don't open my eyes it won't be another day, I won't be real.

Life has been, and continues to be, painful and distressing but I know that other people have and are suffering more than me but they don't take their lives, they battle on and that makes me feel guilty. I believe that the very small amount of people in my life will not miss me but there will be an initial reaction which I think will be mainly anger rather than sadness. This bothers me somewhat which is irrational because I won't be here to witness it. I hate the thought of people being angry with me. Then there's the person who finds me, I've had enough trauma in my life to not want to be the cause of trauma in another's life. It's likely that my flatmate or my landlord will find me as they have keys, my flatmate isn't here because she went to her parents' before lockdown and is still there. She's quite mentally fragile and it worries me that she will find me. She hadn't lived with me for long before all this happened so we're not close but I still feel guilty at the thought of traumatizing her. But I also feel guilty at the thought of someone I don't know finding me. Again, I won't be here to witness their trauma but I know it's unfair on them.

And I worry about death not being the end. Not in a particularly religious way just that we do not know that death is the end. We hope that it is, we hope that when people die their suffering is over but what if it's not. We don't know that death won't be worse than life somehow. I've been in a coma before, I don't remember anything about it, I don't remember hearing people talk to me or anything and I hope that is what death will be like. It should be, if I can't experience anything - sensations, thoughts etc- that should in theory be what death will be right? I'm plagued by thoughts that everything I do makes things worse, what if cbt is just another step to making things worse?

If I can imagine that death will be worse then maybe I've got something to live for but I can't imagine how it would be worse I just have a sense that things can always be worse than you imagined. And we can only imagine, we can never know. Living is too much, I don't want to have to get through another day but I don't know for sure that death will end that.

I've got a full suspension set up and a partial and I've been sat looking at them for hours. I'm worried that the full suspension won't hold my weight when my body is thrashing or the knots won't hold or just something will go wrong. I haven't eaten for days in an attempt to limit the mess I leave if it does work, I nearly ruined that last night as I was craving a takeaway, one last meal, but then I'd have to starve again and probably 4 days in to that I'd think the same and so the circle would continue.

I like the idea of cutting and contaminating it to get sepsis because it goes back to my wish to die in my bed but I'm sensing that people don't think this will work.

 

[Werewolf]

Well for me it's always been the sort of primal instinct that kicks in and renders me more or less unable to take that last step. Some people I think act on pure impulse which ends up with them ctb without really intending to. I came close once with a noose, my friend found me and afterwards I realized that in fact I wasn't ready, ended up in the Icu with alcohol poisoning, broken foot and whiplash injury. Right then and there though I was glad to be alive, funny as it may seem.

I will ctb, maybe tomorrow maybe in a year if not this corona crap ends me first.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I've just read in another post that doing full suspension on a door it's likely the door will come off it's hinges when the body is thrashing, I was worried about this but saw a photo of someone doing it the way I have planned. How much of a risk do people think this is?

 

[I screwed up]

I've just read in another post that doing full suspension on a door it's likely the door will come off it's hinges when the body is thrashing, I was worried about this but saw a photo of someone doing it the way I have planned. How much of a risk do people think this is?

Door coming off its hinges will depend on multiple factors like ur weight, the door, the strength of the hinge to bear the weight , how much u struggle etc. A sturdy door should not come off so easily .

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

The door itself is quite sturdy, it's a fire door, I'm a bit worried about the hinges though. I'm quite hefty though, about 175lbs. I know knowledge is good but I think I need to stop researching and just do it, people succeed at ctb all the time.

I'm really hungry and really tired, I either need to just do it or go to bed. I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm torn

 

[Meowkin]

Personally I think it boils down to luck. Granted the more you prepare, the less luck you'll need.

 

[I screwed up]

Probably u need to sleep ... Becoz of hunger u may be mentally tired and not in a position to think straight.. And that is very important for any method u chose.. There is no hurry to ctb .take ur time my dear...

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I got 3 hours sleep. I woke up with the horrible thumping heart. I'm really hungry but I feel like not having eaten for 5 days is an achievement of sorts and i don't want to waste it.

I'm worried about what people will think of me if I ctb, not just the people I care about but people like the police. I don't want people to think badly of me, although I feel like they already do. It's stupid really, I don't want them to say that I did a selfish thing but I won't know that they're saying those things anyway so it shouldn't matter.

If I'm dead nothing matters anymore right?

 

[I screwed up]

U r absolutely right . y think of the world... Once u dead its over. Its ur life and ur decision which they must respect. I have one simple principle .... The world does not care for us , what we go thru is only known to us ... No one knows our pain, so why do we think abt them so much... I have seen lots of posts here where people are worried about other , that people may think we r selfish to ctb etc etc ( esp during these times of pandemic where the health Care system is already stretched) .. I never understood why and for what.
U may think I'm a bad person to think like this but I care two hoots for anyone who finds my body or anybody else ...

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I don't know why it bothers me so much. I care more about other people, even strangers, more than I care about myself.

I don't know what to do. I haven't left my flat for 2 weeks, I'm not scared of catching the virus as I would welcome it and hope that it kills me, I just can't cope with people. This isn't new for me but pre lockdown I would get my groceries delivered but I'm not in the vulnerable group so I can't now. If I went to the supermarket I went at 3am when it was quiet but the latest shops are open at the moment is 10pm. All I have left to drink is tap water and some beers, the only food I have is a bit of margarine and 2 eggs. I've got to make a decision, I either ctb or I have to face the world.

I'm scared of failing to ctb. If I do full suspension and the door falls off the hinges and I'm brain damaged but there's no one to find me for weeks won't I just die anyway? It may not be quick but it'll happen? If people can ctb in prison without resources to research to get it right, I must be able to succeed surely?