Story Why I’m suicidal and can’t be helped

[anastenka]

I grew up in a house that was very divided, my parents were divorced but still lived together with myself, my sister and grandparents (father's side).

My grandpa had always been a nasty man, he would beat me, lock me outside and force me to sleep in the dog bed. All while making empty threats on my life, my mothers, and sisters.

A lot changed after my grandma died, she was my rock, a safe place I could turn to. My dad left, choosing to eat at my home but live with his new family. I never saw him much

I was a naive little girl, who just wanted to be loved. My grandpa took advantage of that



Shortly after my ninth birthday his entire demeanour changed, he acted like a different person. He was kind

He would take me on all sorts of fishing trips, make me tea when I couldn't sleep, and even play with me on his small tablet.

I hadn't realised he had ill intentions, I just felt good, I thought I had finally done right by him.

I always had trouble sleeping, I would come downstairs at late night to find him still awake and on his device, I would always join him

It begun when he started showing me explicit pornography, telling me that this was how a "good wife" should behave. I had no idea what I was watching, but I knew it was wrong.

The touching came soon after. I remember being asleep in the living room, the soft buzz from the fish tank in the background when I woke up to find his hand in my shorts, fondling my intimate parts.

He would make me perform favours for him and force himself on me whenever I was alone, whenever my dad was gone

He would also be rather pervy, peeing in the kitchen sink where I could catch a glimpse, watching me as I took a bath.

I felt disgusted, I felt gross and horrible. But that was my reality



Shortly after my tenth birthday I began self harming, I thought, If I made myself 'ugly' he would stop all this nonsense and leave me alone.

And he did for a while, but then the threats returned. I was scared, scared he might try and do same to my little sister. So with as much bravery I could muster, I made the offers, doing stuff with him out of pure love.

Of course he didn't want to touch me then, I was ruined beyond repair. And after my parents discovered my self harm the encounters stopped completely.

I was a lost cause, I had attempted suicide and was withdrawn from school, returning to a reserved one for children with mental health disorders like myself.

No one knew, I couldn't tell anyone



A few years later my mother finally was able to move out, taking me and my sister with her. All was calm and well for a little while.

My grandpa passed away about six months after our move, I by then had buried a lot of what I went through, barely remembering it.

I was admitted to a psychiatric facility later that year, coming out worse than before.



The following year my mother prompted a question, asking if my grandfather did anything to me. The nightmares came back and I remembered EVERYTHING

I was a lost cause once more, I had relapsed and was distraught. My mother the same, she had thought back on some signs but never thought much of it back then. It wasn't her fault, but she blamed herself.

My agonising fear of being asleep? My urine infections? My clear discomfort around any male friends of hers? It wasn't her fault, but she blamed herself.



I still haven't recovered, I'm 18 and mutilated inside out, scarred from something I can't just patch up.

My life has been awful since it begun and I cannot go on pretending that it's normal anymore.

I don't want to lie and say it gets better, for me it hasn't. I want to die, I really want to die. If someone in or around London wants to go with me please reply I'm so desperate.

 

[voc_89]

Words escape me. I am so so so sorry that u had to go through this....

 

[Abyssal]

I'm so sorry life has brought you to this point. I wish there was a better way for people like us who suffer unfairly

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

The fact that people like your grandfather existed, and still exist today, it is perfect example of why the human race just needs to die off.

 

[painoflife]

I feel like I dont know what to say but I couldnt just leave this thread without replying.
Its truely a horrible way to grow up and I hope your grandfathers last haunting thoughts were shame for what he had done.
You are so brave to share your story. You must be such a strong person to keep going through all of this, even when you dont feel it yourself others can see that in you

 

[RockyRockman]

I grew up in a house that was very divided, my parents were divorced but still lived together with myself, my sister and grandparents (father's side).

My grandpa had always been a nasty man, he would beat me, lock me outside and force me to sleep in the dog bed. All while making empty threats on my life, my mothers, and sisters.

A lot changed after my grandma died, she was my rock, a safe place I could turn to. My dad left, choosing to eat at my home but live with his new family. I never saw him much

I was a naive little girl, who just wanted to be loved. My grandpa took advantage of that



Shortly after my ninth birthday his entire demeanour changed, he acted like a different person. He was kind

He would take me on all sorts of fishing trips, make me tea when I couldn't sleep, and even play with me on his small tablet.

I hadn't realised he had ill intentions, I just felt good, I thought I had finally done right by him.

I always had trouble sleeping, I would come downstairs at late night to find him still awake and on his device, I would always join him

It begun when he started showing me explicit pornography, telling me that this was how a "good wife" should behave. I had no idea what I was watching, but I knew it was wrong.

The touching came soon after. I remember being asleep in the living room, the soft buzz from the fish tank in the background when I woke up to find his hand in my shorts, fondling my intimate parts.

He would make me perform favours for him and force himself on me whenever I was alone, whenever my dad was gone

He would also be rather pervy, peeing in the kitchen sink where I could catch a glimpse, watching me as I took a bath.

I felt disgusted, I felt gross and horrible. But that was my reality



Shortly after my tenth birthday I began self harming, I thought, If I made myself 'ugly' he would stop all this nonsense and leave me alone.

And he did for a while, but then the threats returned. I was scared, scared he might try and do same to my little sister. So with as much bravery I could muster, I made the offers, doing stuff with him out of pure love.

Of course he didn't want to touch me then, I was ruined beyond repair. And after my parents discovered my self harm the encounters stopped completely.

I was a lost cause, I had attempted suicide and was withdrawn from school, returning to a reserved one for children with mental health disorders like myself.

No one knew, I couldn't tell anyone



A few years later my mother finally was able to move out, taking me and my sister with her. All was calm and well for a little while.

My grandpa passed away about six months after our move, I by then had buried a lot of what I went through, barely remembering it.

I was admitted to a psychiatric facility later that year, coming out worse than before.



The following year my mother prompted a question, asking if my grandfather did anything to me. The nightmares came back and I remembered EVERYTHING

I was a lost cause once more, I had relapsed and was distraught. My mother the same, she had thought back on some signs but never thought much of it back then. It wasn't her fault, but she blamed herself.

My agonising fear of being asleep? My urine infections? My clear discomfort around any male friends of hers? It wasn't her fault, but she blamed herself.



I still haven't recovered, I'm 18 and mutilated inside out, scarred from something I can't just patch up.

My life has been awful since it begun and I cannot go on pretending that it's normal anymore.

I don't want to lie and say it gets better, for me it hasn't. I want to die, I really want to die. If someone in or around London wants to go with me please reply I'm so desperate.

Im very sorry to hear that and hope find peace

 

[godbody]

Don't want to rag on your mum but everyone I know, myself included, knows that the adults around them when they were being abused as kids should have seen the signs, should have been more attuned to our behaviour changes, should have been aware of the abusers behaviour.

I'm not saying she's to blame but she probably feels at that way because, reasonably, she could have stopped it. That's not assigning blame but it was her responsibility at that time to keep her child safe & ultimately she did fail you.

There's a semi-well known feminist writer whose mother is an even more well known feminist scholar that specially deals with feminist family structures & looking at motherhood & parenting through a feminist lense — & she still let her daughters be sexually abused by their maternal grandfather, even right in front of her (licking the kids faces), because she chose to turn a blind eye. Not because she thought it wasn't abuse, but because she did not want to put that label into her family or to make accusations against her own father.

 

[anastenka]

Don't want to rag on your mum but everyone I know, myself included, knows that the adults around them when they were being abused as kids should have seen the signs, should have been more attuned to our behaviour changes, should have been aware of the abusers behaviour.

I'm not saying she's to blame but she probably feels at that way because, reasonably, she could have stopped it. That's not assigning blame but it was her responsibility at that time to keep her child safe & ultimately she did fail you.

There's a semi-well known feminist writer whose mother is an even more well known feminist scholar that specially deals with feminist family structures & looking at motherhood & parenting through a feminist lense — & she still let her daughters be sexually abused by their maternal grandfather, even right in front of her (licking the kids faces), because she chose to turn a blind eye. Not because she thought it wasn't abuse, but because she did not want to put that label into her family or to make accusations against her own father.

I hear what you are saying, I think she blames herself despite me telling her otherwise. She knew he was a perv, always told me to cover up and not wear shorts around him and I was like what, 10? I shouldn't have to cover up yk?? especially around family. It did always confuse me a lot and sometimes I do wonder, as you said, if she knew something odd was going on but was afraid to speak out against it. We after all did live in his house, saying something could have left us on the streets or in a hostel, though I doubt my father would have let that happen, as absent as he was.

Thank you for the insight though, really

 

[kunikuzushi]

I'm so sorry and you must be in so so much pain. I wish you peace

 

[godbody]

I hear what you are saying, I think she blames herself despite me telling her otherwise. She knew he was a perv, always told me to cover up and not wear shorts around him and I was like what, 10? I shouldn't have to cover up yk?? especially around family. It did always confuse me a lot and sometimes I do wonder, as you said, if she knew something odd was going on but was afraid to speak out against it. We after all did live in his house, saying something could have left us on the streets or in a hostel, though I doubt my father would have let that happen, as absent as he was.

Thank you for the insight though, really

She actively told you to cover up — that is the same phenomenon with this feminist writer. She knew what was happening, but denial & wilful ignorance is strong. Obviously she was afraid but her fear of it being true, of her father being labelled a pedophile, or of her being labelled a bad mother, or your eviction/homelessness should never have outweighed her unconscious knowledge that this was happening & that it would be damaging to you, & dangerous. & illegal. among all the other horrible things that familial childhood sexual abuse it. I get it's a point of shame for parents, but self-preservation & denial that allows family members to abuse the most vulnerable family members is abuse in & of itself.

I do understand parents in this situation, it's so so common to just pretend it's not happening or to deny it outright, but it's not the right way to go about it, & I'm really sorry that she failed you in this way.

 

[rozeske]

Words do really fail me for what to say. I'm so sorry for what you had to endure especially at such a young age. Absolutely no one deserves this. You deserved for atleast your mom to stand by you and protect you at all cost.

 

[Ephemeron]

Sorry you've had to go through all that. I experienced CA personally and it fucked me for life. It's a huge part of why I will be CTB.

There's just no cure for it :(

(can't really say much else, I'm just so tired, barely can even write messages anymore)

 

[smvrtsa]

I'm so sorry the adults in your life let you down like this, and I hope you know you deserved so much better. Wishing that you find your peace someday whatever that looks like.

 

[AnonymousL]

I'm so sorry you went through all of that.
People that greatly suffered like you and many others like us should have a right to end it peacefully.

If you wanna talk more about your plans and maybe partner up, my chat is open.

I'm a female as well.

 

[davidtorez]

Wow , you're really brave to be honest about this stuff . Sometimes the path to inner turmoil starts with a friendly ear ! I wish I was your dad to have stopped this from happening to you, I'm very sorry you had to go through this hell

 

[figcitylightscookie]

I'm so sorry you went through this; it's awful that none of the adults around you protected you from such a monster. I can't imagine how desperate you must've been as a child to go through measures such as self-harm to protect yourself. Both your parents are to blame; when someone decides to have a child, their main goal is to make sure they're protected. Your mother ignoring the signs even though she knew your grandpa was a pervert is inexcusable. Your dad not being around to begin with is even worse. If there's any way we can offer you support, please let us know. I'm so sorry that everyone in your life failed you.

There's a semi-well known feminist writer whose mother is an even more well known feminist scholar that specially deals with feminist family structures & looking at motherhood & parenting through a feminist lense — & she still let her daughters be sexually abused by their maternal grandfather, even right in front of her (licking the kids faces), because she chose to turn a blind eye. Not because she thought it wasn't abuse, but because she did not want to put that label into her family or to make accusations against her own father.

Out of curiosity, who is this writer? What's her name?

 

[etrnllxid]

I'm crying, I shed these tears because this is so heinous that it makes me want to shout. I won't forget this as long as live live as this is reminder of how cruel and exploitive people can be, why does it have to be this way.

 

[godbody]

I'm so sorry you went through this; it's awful that none of the adults around you protected you from such a monster. I can't imagine how desperate you must've been as a child to go through measures such as self-harm to protect yourself. Both your parents are to blame; when someone decides to have a child, their main goal is to make sure they're protected. Your mother ignoring the signs even though she knew your grandpa was a pervert is inexcusable. Your dad not being around to begin with is even worse. If there's any way we can offer you support, please let us know. I'm so sorry that everyone in your life failed you.


Out of curiosity, who is this writer? What's her name?

Clementine Morrigan; people seem to love or hate her, I think it doesn't matter which it is — her substack articles about incest, policing, polyamory & other niche topics are great.
She has also been chronically suicidal & has good words for other crazies haha