Why I'm doing it, and when

[mediocreshining]

For the first part, why:

• I'm a pedophile who's never acted on their urges, and I never want to. Trusting the wrong therapist could ruin my life (assuming, of course, I was able to get it in the first place), however I have too many urges to be certain I'll never abuse a kid. Talking to others online has helped, but the thing that made me certain dying was the only option is when I was at the park and saw a shitless boy. I had urges, and while I didn't act on them then, I don't know if that will always be the case.
• I feel like shit apart from that. I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, transgender, and my parents were abusive to me growing up. Even if I were a teleiophile (attracted to adults), I'd still want to die.

Now, for when:

• I'm going to CTB Monday via jumping off a bridge, or maybe this tall skyscraper near me.

Well this is my first post, and maybe my last too. I don't know.
But it's nice to tell someone, even if you have no idea who I am, or even my online identities.

 

[SweetDreams500]

cant you take meds to reduce sexual urges? i'm sure there's a treatment for it.

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm really sorry to hear this.

Wish you the best and a peace.

 

[Umbreon]

I'm really sorry to hear about this. There was actually a time in my life where I was afraid I'd become a pedophile because I was abused so I guess I can empathize some even though I'm not a pedophile ??? Just please keep your mouth shut around people and find a healthy outlet for your urges like cartoon porn or something lmao

 

[Dizzy_Dreams]

For the first part, why:

• I'm a pedophile who's never acted on their urges, and I never want to. Trusting the wrong therapist could ruin my life (assuming, of course, I was able to get it in the first place), however I have too many urges to be certain I'll never abuse a kid. Talking to others online has helped, but the thing that made me certain dying was the only option is when I was at the park and saw a shitless boy. I had urges, and while I didn't act on them then, I don't know if that will always be the case.
• I feel like shit apart from that. I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, transgender, and my parents were abusive to me growing up. Even if I were a teleiophile (attracted to adults), I'd still want to die.

Now, for when:

• I'm going to CTB Monday via jumping off a bridge, or maybe this tall skyscraper near me.

Well this is my first post, and maybe my last too. I don't know.
But it's nice to tell someone, even if you have no idea who I am, or even my online identities.

Hi, I'm sorry to hear of your circum stances I am hoping to have the courage to go soon I am scared of what might come after death

 

[mediocreshining]

cant you take meds to reduce sexual urges? i'm sure there's a treatment for it.

They only give those to offenders, and even then you're still a pedophile. I have strong romantic attraction as well.

 

[Umbreon]

Your only real option is to distract yourself with other things as much as possible. Just become a voluntary celibate and dedicate your life to volunteering, drugs, work, literally anything else. Although if you really want to die then SN, hanging and firearms are the most appropriate methods that you can read extensively about on the forum.

 

[SweetDreams500]

They only give those to offenders, and even then you're still a pedophile. I have strong romantic attraction as well.

do you have attractions for adults as well? maybe you can fulfill those desires with adults if you like that

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I'm not a paedophile but I also have romantic and sexual urges that will never be satisfied, so I can definitely relate to this. I go through periods of several days when I feel constant pain from not having my needs met haha.

 

[strangeceleste]

They only give those to offenders, and even then you're still a pedophile. I have strong romantic attraction as well.

Paedophilic OCD is recognised in the psychiatric community, especially in abuse survivors. It's so scary to talk about, but you are not alone. Medication can help, but not if they aren't aware there's a problem. They would like to prevent things and be proactive, rather than reacting to an undesirable event. The fact you haven't acted on urges shows incredible strength but I get very inappropriate intrusive thoughts too, which make me wish I was dead. You must be so tired. I'm sorry you're struggling so much and life has been so cruel. Wishing you peace and comfort

edit: "The difference between someone living with POCD and an actual pedophile couldn't be greater. A pedophile takes pleasure in situations in which they have an opportunity to find sexual gratification around children. Someone living with POCD will do the exact opposite. Sufferers of POCD are so horrified by their thoughts that they will avoid children at all costs. The nature of this subtype is so taboo that it often leads to years of suffering in silence."

Pedophilia OCD | Made of Millions Foundation

Pedophilia OCD, or POCD, is a subset of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in which a person experiences unwanted intrusive thoughts about harming children.

www.madeofmillions.com

 

[Bamman]

For the first part, why:

• I'm a pedophile who's never acted on their urges, and I never want to. Trusting the wrong therapist could ruin my life (assuming, of course, I was able to get it in the first place), however I have too many urges to be certain I'll never abuse a kid. Talking to others online has helped, but the thing that made me certain dying was the only option is when I was at the park and saw a shitless boy. I had urges, and while I didn't act on them then, I don't know if that will always be the case.
• I feel like shit apart from that. I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, transgender, and my parents were abusive to me growing up. Even if I were a teleiophile (attracted to adults), I'd still want to die.

Now, for when:

• I'm going to CTB Monday via jumping off a bridge, or maybe this tall skyscraper near me.

Well this is my first post, and maybe my last too. I don't know.
But it's nice to tell someone, even if you have no idea who I am, or even my online identities.

I'm really sorry to hear this. I'm glad you know right from wrong however. I'm just really sorry you feel you have ctb. Is there anything you can do to not have too and get help? Again this is your decision as to how you want to proceed. Just don't exhaust all your avenues yet. Off course I don't know how your situation is so I can't begin to offer the most wisest of advice other than suggestions.

 

[profoundexperience]

I'm proud of you for acknowledging your condition... as well as, to date, being able to exert control over yourself. Both do show something very, extraordinarily good about you. You obviously know (from your direct personal experience) how much severe, ~permanent damage can be done when people act on those kinds of impulses.

Also, I'm very, VERY sorry for the abuse you suffered and truly wish it hadn't happened to you.

Although I sincerely wish all of us contemplating ctb could find some other way (to heal)... I do believe that anyone who wants to commit suicide should have that right*... And, if it's something you must do, then it's your decision to make... and that "it is ok".

@mediocreshining, may I please wholeheartedly offer you this Buddhist prayer of lovingkindness now -- for this very moment -- and for whatever may come...

May you be free of suffering, @mediocreshining.
May you have mental happiness, @mediocreshining.
May you have physical happiness, @mediocreshining.
May you have ease of well being, @mediocreshining.

If you do decide to leave, as you go, please do try to "let go" of any and all "baggage" from this life (especially any memories of harms you experienced or guilt you might be feeling)... How? One way is to completely forgive those who abused you**... and also completely forgive yourself too (for everything).

You have my Love, Trust and Forgiveness, @profoundexperience

*If your life is not "your own", whose is it? This critically includes being able to decide for yourself how, where, and when it should end.
**That absolutely doesn't imply condoning what they did = Forgive them (if you're able) for your sake... not necessary for theirs.

 

[mediocreshining]

aaaand I just realized I accidentally said shitless, lol. Is there a way to edit posts?

 

[PlathWannaBe]

I believe that people who are pedophiles, regardless if they act on the impulse or not, are born that way, just as other people are born with the attractions that they have. This is an extremely enormous burden to bear, especially for an entire lifetime. Just because you have these urges or thoughts, that does not make you a bad person. And I also commend you for holding on to your self control this whole time. It must be extremely hard.

I have never understood why some people have harder lives than others. The word unfair always comes to mind, and yes, I totally know that life is unfair, but some situations just seem so unjustified that certain people have to carry such heavy burdens their entire lives.

I understand the pain and suffering, and I wish that people wouldn't make pedophiles into monsters. They are people too, and in order to get treatment or help, they need to also feel love and acceptance.

My heart goes out to you, and I wish you strength and peace in whatever decision that you make. I also consider myself somewhat of a Buddhist, and I offer my loving kindness to you as well. @profoundexperience has offered a wonderful prayer, and I lift you up in the same spirit. I wish you peace with you decision.

 

[profoundexperience]

Is there a way to edit posts?

Posts can be edited for several hours after one posts (I'm not sure exactly how long)... then they switch to uneditable.

I just realized I accidentally said shitless, lol.

Don't worry, it's not a big deal... everyone understood what you were trying to say.