Foogs
Give me your blood
- Jun 22, 2021
- 64
Let me first say that through my 20's I experienced enough suffering for a lifetime even before my latest reasons to CTB (I'm 30 now). I've been abused long term, raped, been in and out of mental hospitals, and a dozen other extremely traumatic events that can't be described in anything less than a long story. I've attempted once but it was spontaneous and failed. I nearly attempted 2 other times that would have worked but was physically stopped.
Yet, in late 2019 I was finally feeling like I had control over myself and my life and had the ability to be happy. I decided to start dating and met the most incredible woman, and we had some incredible months together. The best days of my life. I was truly happy!
Then I developed an extreme case of Myofascial Pain Syndrome. I'm hardly exaggerating when I say by march 2020 nearly every muscle in my body was one big knot. Because of the pandemic I couldn't get help and my problems were allowed to fester. I was shriveled and bedridden and developed a dozen secondary issues from heart palpitations to neurological symptoms. I was a wreck. Worse than you are likely to imagine. Even just 3.5 months ago I was laying in bed in terrible pain, unable to even cry because my ribcage felt like it was made out of needles facing inward. I could only breath very shallow into my stomach. All I could do was lay there and beg for it to stop soon. I could tell you 15 other equally horrifying stories, none of which are done justice by words alone.
My disability makes typing painful (yes, even now, but this is important to me to get this off my chest to supportive people), as well as speaking. For 17 long months my partner stuck with me even though we could barely communicate and could very rarely do anything sexual. You can only carry on like that for so long. The relationship became poison to us both, me constantly injuring myself to try and communicate and her suffering from the realization she was becoming my caretaker instead of my girlfriend. I was no longer the woman she fell in love with. We're broken up now.
None of my friendships have survived this process either. My family is some support, but I'm very much alone and in pain and can just barely manage to take care of my personal needs. I'm doing fairly well with my disability lately thanks to some new therapies, so I do have some hope. I'm trying to hold onto that, even though every day is filled with disabling physical pain and chest-crushing, nightmarish psychological pain. I would have married that woman, and now I'll never see her again. Never touch her again. Life is just too cruel. Too fucking cruel. It's too painful to think about, so I try to just focus on my life's work of getting better. I have to work hard and constantly think about my disability every day to try and get better and avoid new injuries. I can't even afford to let myself cry through all this because intense crying will injure me in several places.
So I have some hope of getting better if I remain focused through my suffering but I think if I'm not better by the fall I'm going to CTB. I don't like the idea of my remains being burned and all my energy evaporating into space, nor do I want to suffer the indignity of embalming. I want to let nature reclaim me. My plan is to get all dressed up nice, drive out as far into the middle of nowhere as I can, ditch the car after taking the plate and scratching off the VIN, then walk deep into a forest and find a nice spot.
I'll post a suicide note to facebook before I'm too far away from cell towers, claiming I'm already dead and had the message on a timer. I'm gonna record a video and just kinda talk to my phone to keep me company and talk about my life and whatever for people to find one day. When I find a nice spot I'll bury my phone in a waterproof box and put a weather-proof sign telling people where to dig it up. I'll set up a waterproof camera and explain that I don't want to die alone, so whoever finds the video I'm sorry if it's disturbing but thank you for being there with me. Then I'll CTB with the night-night method in front of the camera. I really think it's a great method. All the benefits of hanging, but hanging is so macabre, so grotesque. I want to die, hit the ground, and there I will lay peacefully. I just want to go un-found for long enough that most of what remains of me has melted into the forest floor.
I experienced general anesthesia once, and as some of you might know, the time you're out feels (in retrospect) like total oblivion. Absolute nothingness. It was the most peaceful non-feeling I've ever had. I miss it. I hope death is like that.
Sound like a good plan?
Thank you for reading, everyone.
Yet, in late 2019 I was finally feeling like I had control over myself and my life and had the ability to be happy. I decided to start dating and met the most incredible woman, and we had some incredible months together. The best days of my life. I was truly happy!
Then I developed an extreme case of Myofascial Pain Syndrome. I'm hardly exaggerating when I say by march 2020 nearly every muscle in my body was one big knot. Because of the pandemic I couldn't get help and my problems were allowed to fester. I was shriveled and bedridden and developed a dozen secondary issues from heart palpitations to neurological symptoms. I was a wreck. Worse than you are likely to imagine. Even just 3.5 months ago I was laying in bed in terrible pain, unable to even cry because my ribcage felt like it was made out of needles facing inward. I could only breath very shallow into my stomach. All I could do was lay there and beg for it to stop soon. I could tell you 15 other equally horrifying stories, none of which are done justice by words alone.
My disability makes typing painful (yes, even now, but this is important to me to get this off my chest to supportive people), as well as speaking. For 17 long months my partner stuck with me even though we could barely communicate and could very rarely do anything sexual. You can only carry on like that for so long. The relationship became poison to us both, me constantly injuring myself to try and communicate and her suffering from the realization she was becoming my caretaker instead of my girlfriend. I was no longer the woman she fell in love with. We're broken up now.
None of my friendships have survived this process either. My family is some support, but I'm very much alone and in pain and can just barely manage to take care of my personal needs. I'm doing fairly well with my disability lately thanks to some new therapies, so I do have some hope. I'm trying to hold onto that, even though every day is filled with disabling physical pain and chest-crushing, nightmarish psychological pain. I would have married that woman, and now I'll never see her again. Never touch her again. Life is just too cruel. Too fucking cruel. It's too painful to think about, so I try to just focus on my life's work of getting better. I have to work hard and constantly think about my disability every day to try and get better and avoid new injuries. I can't even afford to let myself cry through all this because intense crying will injure me in several places.
So I have some hope of getting better if I remain focused through my suffering but I think if I'm not better by the fall I'm going to CTB. I don't like the idea of my remains being burned and all my energy evaporating into space, nor do I want to suffer the indignity of embalming. I want to let nature reclaim me. My plan is to get all dressed up nice, drive out as far into the middle of nowhere as I can, ditch the car after taking the plate and scratching off the VIN, then walk deep into a forest and find a nice spot.
I'll post a suicide note to facebook before I'm too far away from cell towers, claiming I'm already dead and had the message on a timer. I'm gonna record a video and just kinda talk to my phone to keep me company and talk about my life and whatever for people to find one day. When I find a nice spot I'll bury my phone in a waterproof box and put a weather-proof sign telling people where to dig it up. I'll set up a waterproof camera and explain that I don't want to die alone, so whoever finds the video I'm sorry if it's disturbing but thank you for being there with me. Then I'll CTB with the night-night method in front of the camera. I really think it's a great method. All the benefits of hanging, but hanging is so macabre, so grotesque. I want to die, hit the ground, and there I will lay peacefully. I just want to go un-found for long enough that most of what remains of me has melted into the forest floor.
I experienced general anesthesia once, and as some of you might know, the time you're out feels (in retrospect) like total oblivion. Absolute nothingness. It was the most peaceful non-feeling I've ever had. I miss it. I hope death is like that.
Sound like a good plan?
Thank you for reading, everyone.
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