Story Why I gotta go

[lostmylove]

Lurked on this forum for the best part of a year.

Sadly this situation has forced me to walk the plank.

5 days ago. The love of my life, my soul mate died. He was my anchor. He kept me strong when all odds where against us.

To have his future ripped away from him at 22 due to no fault of his own is throwing me over the edge.

I'm traumatized. I have no idea how I can recover from this. It's been unbearable the last few days and worse part is I feel like it's not hit me yet.

I didn't want to die, and he didn't want to die. We've both been backed into a corner. I can't believe he's gone and left me here with absolutely nothing. He is my world. My hopes and dreams of a future are gone.

I can't be on this vile planet without him.

Despite all that I'm still so scared. It's all sudden and I can't allow myself to fall into the trap of 'everything will get better' or 'time heals all' . God dam everyone who says that.


Has anyone else lost a partner or loved one and it's just so overwhelming?

I'm lucky enough to afford Nembutal.

I've been watching the dignitas videos all day, especially that French women. She died in a way I want to go, with pictures of him on my lap in bed. Sadly non of my family will support my decision so I can't dare tell them.

The irony is the 'people who love you' can't love you enough to let you go when you're in pain, just got to let you rot away with no self respect.

I can't even get out of bed or shower. I was meant to get a test for colon cancer this week but I don't even care anymore.


I'm so broken. Sorry for ranting on my first post.

 

[Chiisai]

I know how painful a heartbreak is and its one of the many many reasons why Im here. So I feel you. However, have you given thought of what your lover wants for you? I mean your lover might have helped you be strong not just for your relationship but for your own wellbeing as well so that you can brave life with your own power.

 

[Al_stargate]

Sorry about your loss. I can't imagine the pain and heartbreak you're going through. You said it's been only 5 days. Maybe you should give yourself some time to process it. I know what you wrote about time healing wounds but I'm just saying time to process it. You said you were lurking here before so you were dealing with suicidal thoughts before. Don't know your life situation or what happened. Sometimes bad things pile on each other, and sometimes the opposite is true. Also, you're still very young, only 22. Wish you well, feel free to reach out and share your feelings. It helps to talk to people in similar mind state. Maybe you find some strength.

 

[lostmylove]

I know how painful a heartbreak is and its one of the many many reasons why Im here. So I feel you. However, have you given thought of what your lover wants for you? I mean your lover might have helped you be strong not just for your relationship but for your own wellbeing as well so that you can brave life with your own power.

It's very easy to make a case and twist things into 'he'd want me to be happy' . Issue I have is he knew already we both where suicidal.

We where wanting to drink Nembutal together last year, we give it another shot and hes violently been taken from me in the last few days.

It would of been beautiful if we went together last year and that's all I can think about.

Sorry about your loss. I can't imagine the pain and heartbreak you're going through. You said it's been only 5 days. Maybe you should give yourself some time to process it. I know what you wrote about time healing wounds but I'm just saying time to process it. You said you were lurking here before so you were dealing with suicidal thoughts before. Don't know your life situation or what happened. Sometimes bad things pile on each other, and sometimes the opposite is true. Also, you're still very young, only 22. Wish you well, feel free to reach out and share your feelings. It helps to talk to people in similar mind state. Maybe you find some strength.

I'm 24, nearly 25. Feel like I've had enough of life . I'm tired and drained. His birthday is in 2 months, my provisional date to do it is then. Gives me time to make peace with it.

I can't lie I am terrified I think most people are to do it. But I also know it will always be downhill from here. I won't be able to be happy again, won't be able to be in love again. Love is the only thing worth fighting for.

I don't care about money or anything at all . All I wanted was to be with him and I have no future. :/

 

[Chiisai]

It's very easy to make a case and twist things into 'he'd want me to be happy' . Issue I have is he knew already we both where suicidal.

We where wanting to drink Nembutal together last year, we give it another shot and hes violently been taken from me in the last few days.

It would of been beautiful if we went together last year and that's all I can think about.

I see. I was thinking of what you said about you both not wanting to die so I assumed. I understand you're greiving. Do you have someone to talk to or be with? It helps process what you're feeling.

 

[lostmylove]

I see. I was thinking of what you said about you both not wanting to die so I assumed. I understand you're greiving. Do you have someone to talk to or be with? It helps process what you're feeling.

We didn't want to die ya just where suicidal tho but couldn't do it, now he's gone by not suicide and I'm scared alone, ya . Sorry I'm drunk if didn't make much sense

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I would say numb the pain by whatever means possible but try to hang in there. This is a situational shock that needs a lot of time and healing. If you can't do it alone (and alcohol is not ideal) then you probably need to be medicated. You will start to feel relief within a couple of weeks with a bit of luck. I'd say therapy with it too but that's so often shit that I always found myself taking the meds and skipping that part. Good luck to you.

 

[Chiisai]

We didn't want to die ya just where suicidal tho but couldn't do it, now he's gone by not suicide and I'm scared alone, ya . Sorry I'm drunk if didn't make much sense

Its alright. No worries. Just hold on for now until you get to process everything. I wish you well.

 

[lostmylove]

I would say numb the pain by whatever means possible but try to hang in there. This is a situational shock that needs a lot of time and healing. If you can't do it alone (and alcohol is not ideal) then you probably need to be medicated. You will start to feel relief within a couple of weeks with a bit of luck. I'd say therapy with it too but that's so often shit that I always found myself taking the meds and skipping that part. Good luck to you.

I don't want to be on medication and lose my mind. I'd rather go out with some pride I think

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, it must be so painful and devastating what you are going through. This life is just so unfair. I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever happens.

 

[Lost Magic]

Terrible that you are dealing through this. A big reason why, I want to leave is because of the loss of some key family members that kept me going over the years. Nothing I can say to you will bring your beloved back and (sadly) time doesn't heal all wounds. I have watched a lot of those Dignitas videos as well. They brought a little bit of comfort. I also watched a ton of spiritual videos, including Dr Raymond Moody's Life After Life, because I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing them again. Just take one day at a time and try to be gentle on yourself. There is no rush do do anything.

 

[lostmylove]

Terrible that you are dealing through this. A big reason why, I want to leave is because of the loss of some key family members that kept me going over the years. Nothing I can say to you will bring your beloved back and (sadly) time doesn't heal all wounds. I have watched a lot of those Dignitas videos as well. They brought a little bit of comfort. I also watched a ton of spiritual videos, including Dr Raymond Moody's Life After Life, because I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing them again. Just take one day at a time and try to be gentle on yourself. There is no rush do do anything.

Is there any other Nembutal videos do you know? They've given me comfort too.

I hope there's a heaven an I can hold his hand. I'm scared of there just being nothingness, but even that's preferable than agony and no hope.

 

[Lost Magic]

Is there any other Nembutal videos do you know? They've given me comfort too.

I hope there's a heaven an I can hold his hand. I'm scared of there just being nothingness, but even that's preferable than agony and no hope.

Yes, dear. There are a few. I will post some I watched.



Here a really fascinating documentary about near death experiences and stories about the after life. I personally believe your partner is in heaven and one day you will reunite. Love never dies. X

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Lurked on this forum for the best part of a year.

Sadly this situation has forced me to walk the plank.

5 days ago. The love of my life, my soul mate died. He was my anchor. He kept me strong when all odds where against us.

To have his future ripped away from him at 22 due to no fault of his own is throwing me over the edge.

I'm traumatized. I have no idea how I can recover from this. It's been unbearable the last few days and worse part is I feel like it's not hit me yet.

I didn't want to die, and he didn't want to die. We've both been backed into a corner. I can't believe he's gone and left me here with absolutely nothing. He is my world. My hopes and dreams of a future are gone.

I can't be on this vile planet without him.

Despite all that I'm still so scared. It's all sudden and I can't allow myself to fall into the trap of 'everything will get better' or 'time heals all' . God dam everyone who says that.


Has anyone else lost a partner or loved one and it's just so overwhelming?

I'm lucky enough to afford Nembutal.

I've been watching the dignitas videos all day, especially that French women. She died in a way I want to go, with pictures of him on my lap in bed. Sadly non of my family will support my decision so I can't dare tell them.

The irony is the 'people who love you' can't love you enough to let you go when you're in pain, just got to let you rot away with no self respect.

I can't even get out of bed or shower. I was meant to get a test for colon cancer this week but I don't even care anymore.


I'm so broken. Sorry for ranting on my first post.

All I can say is whenever a huge change happens in anyone's life, the brain reacts in a way that leaves us feeling physically sick, anxious, depressed, and like the world is falling apart around us, as it tries to process this new seemingly shocking situation we're in, that we didn't see coming - it's like your psychological map of your life and the world around you has been torn apart and nothing makes sense any more - it takes a long time for it to process the new situation, make sense of it all, and build a new map of this new world, where something like hope for the future feels like a potential reality again. You could give yourself a year to see if this catastrophic feeling reduces somewhat, rather than CTB now, because it may not feel as bad as it does right now, if your brain is given some time to regroup. You can always CTB in a year, if you still feel that way. And you'll have more time to plan your CTB so that you don't mess it up right now doing something rash, and end up in a worse situation than you already are.

 

[Al_stargate]

I won't be able to be happy again, won't be able to be in love again. Love is the only thing worth fighting for.

How long have you been with him? What you wrote is not true from my experiences. In a spiritual sense, nobody belongs to us and we don't belong to anyone. All the arrangements are only temporary. I know it's hard but if heartbreak is the reason for your ctb-ing you might wanna wait because things can turn. I have a disfigurement after botched surgery and I know for a fact, I'll never be happy again. I haven't smiled since. You can still enjoy things, you can go out, hang out with friends and family, normal things. It's your decision and life but who knows what happens after and in what kind of circumstances you can find yourself if you ever considered afterlife.

 

[lostmylove]

How long have you been with him? What you wrote is not true from my experiences. In a spiritual sense, nobody belongs to us and we don't belong to anyone. All the arrangements are only temporary. I know it's hard but if heartbreak is the reason for your ctb-ing you might wanna wait because things can turn. I have a disfigurement after botched surgery and I know for a fact, I'll never be happy again. I haven't smiled since. You can still enjoy things, you can go out, hang out with friends and family, normal things. It's your decision and life but who knows what happens after and in what kind of circumstances you can find yourself if you ever considered afterlife.

I don't have friends . I don't want to be with anyone else, some random stranger won't ever be able to fill the gap left in my heart. I don't want things to turn I want to be with him more than anything

 

[waitingforrest]

I'm sorry for your loss. Screw all those people that say that time heals all. It's so infuriating when people say this to imply eventually moving on. But no, I can't just move on.

Moving on to me at least, just feels like forgetting them.

Some people are so precious, they can't ever be replaced.

I have had a important person pass away years ago. I still think about them. All I would ever want is to just see them one more time, even just a day. But no amount of money bring them back because somethings can't ever be bought or replaced.

On the day they passed, I said fuck it and attempted and landed myself in a hospital. As irrational as it is, I just couldn't care about life anymore.

I completely understand the pain you are feeling right now. It felt like I died when they died. All those happy memories and photos are now just sad.

I do hope the best for you. It's common for other people to say move on but some people aren't ready to move on. Some won't ever move on.

It's all okay to feel grief, but don't let anyone force you to process loss faster. Grief and pain is a testament on how much that person mattered, the more they mattered, the more it hurts. Don't move on because you feel you have to because of what others say, move on only when you are ready.

I do apologize if my words made your pain worse. If it did, you have every right to call me out on it. I won't be offended if you do, this thread is about your loss and it is way more important than a internet stranger's feelings.

 

[sealbabies]

I lost my partner at the beginning of this year. I found him dead as soon as I walked out of the bedroom that morning, and in my case it has not gotten better with time.

I plan to ctb before we reach 2023 (the sooner the better imo). I just really don't want to mess up and fail, and yes, if I can avoid some extreme pain that'd be best.
I don't believe in an after life personally, still I rather not exist in this nightmare of a life without him. I don't need someone else to fall in love with, that idea infuriates me actually.
And yes, your world gets turned upside down (imo torn apart) because that person and I planned a future together, lived day to day together, wanted one another.
Also, please reframe from inserting "what he would want for you" because he is gone and never imagined this situation for us, so we have no idea what he wants. He's dead.

Can't say everything I want properly today... but the desire for friends to hangout with is absolutely a no. This experience has made me so isolated for a whole cataclysmic pile of reasons.
This heartbreak comes from the death of the family you chose for yourself, in my case the only love I wanted from the only source I wanted.
Sorry for the messy post, just woke up (wish I didn't).

 

[lostmylove]

I'm sorry for your loss. Screw all those people that say that time heals all. It's so infuriating when people say this to imply eventually moving on. But no, I can't just move on.

Moving on to me at least, just feels like forgetting them.

Some people are so precious, they can't ever be replaced.

I have had a important person pass away years ago. I still think about them. All I would ever want is to just see them one more time, even just a day. But no amount of money bring them back because somethings can't ever be bought or replaced.

On the day they passed, I said fuck it and attempted and landed myself in a hospital. As irrational as it is, I just couldn't care about life anymore.

I completely understand the pain you are feeling right now. It felt like I died when they died. All those happy memories and photos are now just sad.

I do hope the best for you. It's common for other people to say move on but some people aren't ready to move on. Some won't ever move on.

It's all okay to feel grief, but don't let anyone force you to process loss faster. Grief and pain is a testament on how much that person mattered, the more they mattered, the more it hurts. Don't move on because you feel you have to because of what others say, move on only when you are ready.

I do apologize if my words made your pain worse. If it did, you have every right to call me out on it. I won't be offended if you do, this thread is about your loss and it is way more important than a internet stranger's feelings.

No it's really comforting hearing that. I can't just replace him with some random person or 'find love again' that's just like terrible advise and I hate being told that. I'm really glad you understand that some people are so special that nothing can compare or even makeup 5% of them.

I lost my partner at the beginning of this year. I found him dead as soon as I walked out of the bedroom that morning, and in my case it has not gotten better with time.

I plan to ctb before we reach 2023 (the sooner the better imo). I just really don't want to mess up and fail, and yes, if I can avoid some extreme pain that'd be best.
I don't believe in an after life personally, still I rather not exist in this nightmare of a life without him. I don't need someone else to fall in love with, that idea infuriates me actually.
And yes, your world gets turned upside down (imo torn apart) because that person and I planned a future together, lived day to day together, wanted one another.
Also, please reframe from inserting "what he would want for you" because he is gone and never imagined this situation for us, so we have no idea what he wants. He's dead.

Can't say everything I want properly today... but the desire for friends to hangout with is absolutely a no. This experience has made me so isolated for a whole cataclysmic pile of reasons.
This heartbreak comes from the death of the family you chose for yourself, in my case the only love I wanted from the only source I wanted.
Sorry for the messy post, just woke up (wish I didn't).

My partner was suicidal at times, but I feel like because he didn't die due to suicide it makes it 100x worse.

My feeling I can't shake is he held out so he could be with me, didn't matter how bad things got in his life, the suffering with cancer the utter pain he faced on a daily basis from car crashes and childhood trauma of abuse and losing his twin brother . The odds where always against him but he somehow stuck in there and I think it was for me. I was taken so violently and cruel it's a sick world we live in.

I have no doubt I want to kill myself but I'm scared. I really really want there to be another chance of being with him.

Way I see it, it's better to have a 1% chance of being with him again in some afterlife than 100% chance of not being with him now.

I don't want to wait till I'm 60 in some cancer ward. I'm done I'm too tired.

 

[lostmylove]

Today's been worse day so far since it's happened, I feel like I've totally gone insane I can't even get out of bed. I've been talking to him in my head all day. I'm seriously traumatized

 

[sealbabies]

My heart goes out to you. To me, each day finds a way to be the worst as time persists. You learn that there's so many ways to be messed up around this kind of loss... ways you didn't even realize were a thing. The "stages of grief" are an over simplification and are missing many possibilities as every loss is different in some way. I know I've lost other people in my life, I felt it, but none of them affected me the way losing someone this close, intimately personal, and integral to one's life can be.

 

[lostmylove]

My heart goes out to you. To me, each day finds a way to be the worst as time persists. You learn that there's so many ways to be messed up around this kind of loss... ways you didn't even realize were a thing. The "stages of grief" are an over simplification and are missing many possibilities as every loss is different in some way. I know I've lost other people in my life, I felt it, but none of them affected me the way losing someone this close, intimately personal, and integral to one's life can be.

Worse part has been realisng how isolated I am without him. We where probably co dependent on eachother but didn't view it in those terms. I've got nobody to talk to all day anymore this reaffirms knowledge that I've got no future.

I've decided to do suicide in may on his birthday but I really am realsing I'm going to suffer for another month in unbearable pain until then so I'm debating moving it forward.

 

[sealbabies]

The codependency thing I can admit to, but he was the one bringing me out of a very dark place - and regardless, we really loved and enjoyed each other so much I can't regret that part even if there are reasons codependent relations can be a problem. All the people in my social sphere were connected to him, my job, neighbors, friends, even the owners of the coffee shop we frequented all the time, and I am a walking bad omen to them now. Also they want to move on quickly - I'm not mad at them, it's just a reality of human beings I think.

The isolation sucks, but I think having that particular person taken away just makes my heart reach and reach for him, even if it only causes more pain and that's the true isolation>
No one else knows the feelings and turmoil you have around this person and how your life is now torn in two. How the world, life, and future looks like. It's hard to define to them.

Please know that even if ctb doesn't end up being your choice, I can never judge you on that. Your life and grief are so personal. But yeah, the wait is the hardest for me too (I'm just waiting on my SN ultimately).

 

[lostmylove]

The codependency thing I can admit to, but he was the one bringing me out of a very dark place - and regardless, we really loved and enjoyed each other so much I can't regret that part even if there are reasons codependent relations can be a problem. All the people in my social sphere were connected to him, my job, neighbors, friends, even the owners of the coffee shop we frequented all the time, and I am a walking bad omen to them now. Also they want to move on quickly - I'm not mad at them, it's just a reality of human beings I think.

The isolation sucks, but I think having that particular person taken away just makes my heart reach and reach for him, even if it only causes more pain and that's the true isolation>
No one else knows the feelings and turmoil you have around this person and how your life is now torn in two. How the world, life, and future looks like. It's hard to define to them.

Please know that even if ctb doesn't end up being your choice, I can never judge you on that. Your life and grief are so personal. But yeah, the wait is the hardest for me too (I'm just waiting on my SN ultimately).

Can I ask how long it's been for you?

 

[sealbabies]

The morning of Jan 16, 2022.

 

[lostmylove]

The morning of Jan 16, 2022.

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how rough that is, is it getting worse the pain for you? I'm not even a week in and I can't deal with it