Why her?

[The_screaming_dawn]

My closest friend committed CTB two weeks ago. I found out it was due to a recent SA by two of our mutual friends who were also a big part of our group.

Why her? Why did she manage to do it successfully? Why do I have to be in this life after dealing with SA and trying three fucking times to CBT and she succeeded once? And now I'm forced to stay here. I'm forced to stay in this shitty fucking life because our group can't lose two of its members. I see the way they're grieving and I refuse to do the same thing to them after she managed to do it.

Why HER? She had something to offer this shitty world. She was one of the brightest souls I've ever seen and even animals knew it. She was like a Disney princess and we joked about it constantly. I have nothing to offer this world, I'm not a kind or good person. I don't particularly care about others around me but I care enough that I no longer have that access to CBT.

Another friend even told me that she knew it would happen but she thought that I was going to be the one to do it. It should have been ME. Fuck this world. Why couldn't it have been me. I had a plan. I had a plan in place and it only would have taken another week but she had to do it first.

Everyone else is grieving her life and I'm moreso grieving the fact that I'm stuck here. My option was taken from me for good this time. I miss her don't get me wrong but now I'm stuck here.
I hate it here.

 

[cosmic_traveler]

My closest friend committed CTB two weeks ago. I found out it was due to a recent SA by two of our mutual friends who were also a big part of our group.

Why her? Why did she manage to do it successfully? Why do I have to be in this life after dealing with SA and trying three fucking times to CBT and she succeeded once? And now I'm forced to stay here. I'm forced to stay in this shitty fucking life because our group can't lose two of its members. I see the way they're grieving and I refuse to do the same thing to them after she managed to do it.

Why HER? She had something to offer this shitty world. She was one of the brightest souls I've ever seen and even animals knew it. She was like a Disney princess and we joked about it constantly. I have nothing to offer this world, I'm not a kind or good person. I don't particularly care about others around me but I care enough that I no longer have that access to CBT.

Another friend even told me that she knew it would happen but she thought that I was going to be the one to do it. It should have been ME. Fuck this world. Why couldn't it have been me. I had a plan. I had a plan in place and it only would have taken another week but she had to do it first.

Everyone else is grieving her life and I'm moreso grieving the fact that I'm stuck here. My option was taken from me for good this time. I miss her don't get me wrong but now I'm stuck here.
I hate it here.

The candle that burns the brightest has the shortest life. We wish we could give you a big hug and explain away the pain but it's impossible. We are all separate minds, we each have our own ego.

Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is enlightenment. We will never know anyone better than we know ourselves and most people have no idea who they are. It fucking sucks that you're hurting now, but maybe you can find solace in knowing that your friend is no longer in pain.

Be well on your journey.

 

[untothedepths]

I'm so sorry that is has happened. It must be really hard on you.