Why haven't you CTB yet ?

[SMmetalhead36]

Trying to get through these last 3 classes in school and get my music copyrighted so it can tell my story, and also my husband and children. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on.

 

[raindrops]

Need to fix my room together, build the cat tree for my kitty and completely put all of my things away. Build my bed. Basically set my room up, I need to do this to see how I feel after. I need to know the feeling of comfy, I want to feel the feeling after I've tidy all of my things and set them all up again, then I need to know my cat will be looked after properly.

 

[FuneralCry]

Because not everyone is privileged enough to access a guaranteed suicide method in the first place. I'm disgusted by how suicide is cruelly made so inaccessible, it's horrifying how we cannot just choose to easily cease existing in peace, I despise how existence doesn't come with an permanent offswitch.

 

[feels_like_rain]

Because i hate buses

It won't let me laugh react for some reason but

 

[FRUSTRATED MIND]

I'm waiting for the right time

 

[oddetoad]

Brain trying to trick me into believing staying here is a wise choice (it isnt)

Want to master Lucid Dreaming before Exit so I can be prepared to fight off demons

Procrastinating feels good

God Im a fucking coward lol

 

[Antoine_Roquentin]

I still have to pickup a vital component and wait for some other stuff. Then I will have to run some tests first and see if everything works as intented (inert gas). Then I will ctb, I think. I just have to overcome the SI, that will be the final thing.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Cost, basically. My chosen method requires certain equipment that's obtainable but pricey and I also had to factor in the fact that I didn't want to found so that's another cost to factor in.

 

[sylvey]

Hey,
Just to know, A lot of you are here since a long time ago and some of you have already SN, AE etc in their possetion. So why haven't you CTB yet ? What is taking you back from it ? do you like to do something before CTB ?

I don't have a hacksaw yet.

 

[IWishToDie]

Fear of a failed attempt and brain damage

@annointed_towers You can book a hotel and follow the PPeH protocol to the letter. Top option.

 

[kissa]

family and si

 

[BlackMoon]

My cat.
Don't found SN yet.
Don't have the courage to do it in a painful way yet (I really hope I'll have it one day).

 

[girl2910]

I'm waiting for the right time

 

[slightoverlooked]

i failed some attempts. i want my next one to be foolproof. and my mother. i begged her to let me go but she told me she will ctb as well if i kms. i dont want my little brother to have to experience that. he's only 8. but I'm also tired. idk what to do.

 

[lolfuturecorpsev2]

My cat.
Don't found SN yet.
Don't have the courage to do it in a painful way yet (I really hope I'll have it one day).

Me as well. Trying to find SN somehow.

 

[asleepordead?]

Both a mix of struggling to find SN in NZ and also as has been said before, kinda just waiting until rock bottom. Right now I feel like I'm just existing while life is happening around me and its just a lot easier to not try and do anything, to help myself or end myself. Some days I get close and I spend hours poring over SaSu and looking for SN retailers, and some days its barely even on my mind at all. Hopefully one day things will get bad enough for me to have the courage to truly do something

 

[dumblosergirl]

Trust me I want to die so badly but tiny part of me wants to recover. I'm also such a fucking coward. Too scared. So pathetic.

 

[BardBarrie]

I've constructed the metal gym frame, but I've yet to practice knot tying.
I also reckon I'll need a thicker rope.
What worries me is that I'm too heavy and will bend the metal bar downwards, in which case I'll have to find somewhere outdoors to hang.

I haven't made any progress on it because I don't actually want to do this, but this is what is required in order to not exist.

I don't want to have to go through the process of dying, but at the same time I don't want to exist.

 

[pollux]

Not my expiration date yet

 

[deleted442]

Waiting for the shopping list to arrive

 

[Isaaccove]

Honestly because I don't have access to a gun and as such dont have access to a quick painless way to go that doesn't require much forethought that could make the process super scary

Both a mix of struggling to find SN in NZ and also as has been said before, kinda just waiting until rock bottom. Right now I feel like I'm just existing while life is happening around me and its just a lot easier to not try and do anything, to help myself or end myself. Some days I get close and I spend hours poring over SaSu and looking for SN retailers, and some days its barely even on my mind at all. Hopefully one day things will get bad enough for me to have the courage to truly do something

Yup this kind of sums up any apprehension I have perfectly

 

[BorderlineInvane]

Hey,
Just to know, A lot of you are here since a long time ago and some of you have already SN, AE etc in their possetion. So why haven't you CTB yet ? What is taking you back from it ? do you like to do something before CTB ?

I've started self-medicating, I'm in a low depressed state. My critical thinking has improved and I can embrace my old self again. So far so good.

 

[combatcuteness]

Since I can do it I feel more confident to go ahead with life. It's a liberating feeling and a hopeful one knowing I can exit. Also I've had the chance to go to support groups and that improved my self confidence since I deal with more problems and sometimes manage better than most. Plus the future is rather hopeful with new treatments coming up and lots of cool things to see. My life is still by definition miserable but not unbearable.

Ps. The one thing that ruins my peace is the anxiety that comes with knowing some idiots who know nothing about me will try and save me and leave me paralyzed for the rest of my life.

 

[HereTomorrow]

I'm terrified.

Not just the fear of injury or failure, but beyond life itself. This is the only existence I know. I want there to be a God and afterlife, so I know I can see my deceased family after passing. I have faith, but not a guarantee. All I can do is hope.

As much as I want to die, I equally want to live. I love going to the arcade and playing some of the rarest cabs in the country, I love going to places with live music, hearing the imperfect guitar strings that are muffled in studio recordings. I love cooking and going on hikes, I love seeing the birds chirp against the bird feeder before they soar across the sky. And I definitely love talking to my friends about the most niche things, letting the absurdity of simple concepts generate hours if not days of laughter.

I hate living with this SA and forced therapy trauma and I hate desiring death, because I love life so much. I fall asleep and sometimes feel myself being abused in the sheets. I hate venting to people and hearing them rave about suggesting therapy because it makes my head spin and almost crying it if someone pushes it. I hate how I've ruined friendships because of my mental health, and terrified to form more because I don't want to hurt them. I go to a retail job with a family that raised me to go to medical school. And I suffer from massive emotional overwhelms for at least a decade where I feel like the only way I can escape is death, lasting for up to a few hours, leading me to the ER twice for severe suicidial thoughts.

I'm lost in emotional limbo, I only want to go if I know I am fully ready. I'm not. I'm afraid I'm just gonna spontaneously CTB in emotional overwhelm one day, and not get that peace I've been yearning, either in a well thought suicide plan or living a long happy life.

 

[restingplace]

Hey,
Just to know, A lot of you are here since a long time ago and some of you have already SN, AE etc in their possetion. So why haven't you CTB yet ? What is taking you back from it ? do you like to do something before CTB ?

My last attempt was at a very chaotic and truly depressing point of my life, due to me being slightly drunk and stressing over timings it didn't go the way I planned.

I haven't yet come up with another plan as the idea of having a plan and catching the bus completely took over my life, more so then when I was passively suicidal obviously.

I don't think I will make a solid plan until late this year or until something absolutely awful happens that I need to escape. This time I know exactly what to do and how to make it more discreet and successful

 

[wCvML2]

Having the means to die is like building an escape route for me, for when I'd need it. I'd feel too exposed and vulnerable not having it in my life. I always hear the idiom "dig a well before you're thirsty" so I dug a grave before I'm dead but it might happen decades from now. I don't know I'm not in a rush but I will always want a plan for emergency evacuation.

 

[Wasp1996]

i simply haven't found out where to buy SN yet

 

[anonymous_]

i simply haven't found out where to buy SN yet

There are many other methods, trust me. Where there is a will, there is a way.

 

[oooops]

i have had a peak amount of failed attempts and this time i'm 10000x more hurt personally, with all the memories of everything that could ruin my mental health and as much as i wouldn't like to admit it im in so much agony in pity and anger for myself that somehow my SI keeps kicking in so much earlier than before because i'm already badly anxious and depressed and in defence mode all the time. being autistic and not being able to handle change makes this so much harder too, even if it's a good change. i miss when i was addicted to attempting and could just do this shit so easily. i wish i had the resources before my life went to even worse shit

 

[Daryl72]

Hey,
Just to know, A lot of you are here since a long time ago and some of you have already SN, AE etc in their possetion. So why haven't you CTB yet ? What is taking you back from it ? do you like to do something before CTB ?

Don't have access to any of these. When your basically without anything including income, it's become increasingly frustrating when you want to de so badly and just can't find any viable means.