Why does obtaining the means for CTB make you calm?

[t-rex]

I've seen a lot of folks saying this lately: that once they obtained their means for ctb (SN or otherwise), they feel calm, or better somehow. Why is this the case for you, personally?

Sorry if this has an obvious answer. It sorta makes sense that after enduring so much pain, knowing you are that much closer to release is a comforting feeling. But for a lot of people I would think it would cause anxiety and uncertainty as well.

I ordered some means online a few weeks ago, and while I felt good while shopping for it, I didn't feel better when it arrived. Then I returned it, so I have no means in my possession right now. Does this just mean I'm at an earlier stage in SI, i.e. not very serious about it yet? It's true that I am still hanging onto some hope.

Mostly I'm just curious, as this calming effect seems to be a very common response. Please help me understand.

 

[Snake of Eden]

Having a painless good quality method ready is like having a life insurance where you know if things went wrong you will always have the option to exit. It does have a calming effect to it. It is paychological after all but it also depends how good the method is. I have N so thats the best that there is in terms of accessibility.

 

[Ldog9]

I got a N a few weeks ago. I guess knowing it's there is a relief. I don't have to worry about securing any other methods, I have the supposed 'gold standard' per PPeH. I know others have said its comforting knowings its there. But when I think about the actual act, the planning, etc, I still get extremely anxious and panicky like I did when I neared previous attempts. I'm also at an extreme low right now, so that is certainly contributing. I have no real time table, TBH I haven't really thought about the N itself too much, just the other day I fully took them out and examined them completely. As soon I got it, I immediately just put in a closet.

 

[lostautist]

It makes me feel it is more inevitable. It is not reassuring to me.

 

[Pearl]

I really really wish I had an effective painless ctb option right now. Make my life a lot calmer knowing that if things get too bad I can always escape. I suppose I would have anxiety once I start planning when and where I'll do it. If I will write a note. Also the thought of someone finding me. But to be honest I would much rather have those worries then be without a means of escape as I am right now. Its really scary sometimes when my mental health deteriorates beyond control and I know I would have to endure it no matter what. I would like to just rest one day. Preferably forever.

 

[t-rex]

It makes me feel it is more inevitable. It is not reassuring to me.

Me too. It's like I'm one step closer to doing the irreversible thing I'm not really prepared to do yet.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

Me too. It's like I'm one step closer to doing the irreversible thing I'm not really prepared to do yet.

Yeah, this tells me that you are definitely not ready (yet) which is absolutely ok. If anything it gives you more time to wait and see if things get better, but also to come to terms with your own life and death. Those things can't be rushed so don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[Lostandlooking]

For me it gave me a sense of control. I knew I didn't have any control over the difficult things happening in my life. But when I got my SN I felt a little bit better knowing I had a way out if I wanted to. I'm very glad I still have it. I can understand how someone else might send their stuff back though. We're all different. If it didn't calm you it was a good thing to send it back.

 

[WrongPlaceWrongTime]

It's better to know you have some control over the situation than be backed into a corner with no escape.

 

[stevieu]

For me, it's feeling in control of my own destiny - on my terms, when I choose.

After a a life of feeling like I have no control due to depression and other comorbidities, it's a huge sense of relief to know I have the means to end that suffering without needing to rely on anyone else. It's empowering in a sense - I'm in control of my life's final curtain.

 

[Ldog9]

It makes me feel it is more inevitable. It is not reassuring to me.

Me too. It's like I'm one step closer to doing the irreversible thing I'm not really prepared to do yet.

Well put. You both articulated it much more succinctly and accurately than I ever could. For me though, I'm unsure what my uncertainty is about.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

I don't have the physical means ordered yet, but for me just having options which will work has been very calming. No more uncertainty of whether my next attempt will even have a chance of working. It's been a huge relief to now have information that will help it be successful.

 

[willitpass]

it gives me a sense of control. when you're struggling but don't have an immediate way to ctb you feel like you're trapped, but if they are right there you know that if things get too bad you have the means to control that pain. that's how it is for me. i feel less stuck, and honestly i feel less suicidal when i have a good plan in place because it's almost like a grounding method

 

[Foresight]

I would feel like I won the lotto if I had two bottles of N. I fantasize about it. I need to get a new job and it's a great motivator to be able to afford it. For me it's about not feeling trapped. With a long term shelf life I consider it a personal goal to get my method in hand.

 

[motel rooms]

Why does knowing they can successfully end their pain make people in constant pain feel a bit better?

 

[Passersby]

This is the effect it has had on me even though it's impossible for me to be completely calm. When I obtained the necessary items for the methods I was looking at it was completely freeing even though I was sad too and distressed but I had to try to let go of that part. A feeling of relief and accomplishment even though I am not free and never will be since I had to come into existence.

It was just an emotion but it did help. Having the power over my own death is a good feeling and makes things a slight bit better. Now though I don't really have that feeling anymore. It has worn off like a drug but I am glad I am prepared still.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

It makes me feel it is more inevitable. It is not reassuring to me.

Me too. It's like I'm one step closer to doing the irreversible thing I'm not really prepared to do yet.

This is how I feel too. I do want to have an exit because I expect things in my life to get worse, but it doesn't make me feel any better or more calm.

 

[9BBN]

I know my pain will end without waiting for natural causes. I know my death will be relatively painless and dignified. I don't feel trapped anymore when I know I can leave. My suicidal thoughts compress because I don't have to worry about the method. I really can wait another day, because my method is not time-sensitive.

Me too. It's like I'm one step closer to doing the irreversible thing I'm not really prepared to do yet.

It's not for everyone. I think it helps people who stress over how they will ctb more than why they want to ctb. I also wouldn't recommend it to impulsive people.

 

[Istanbulite]

As Emil Michel Cioran put it nicely

"What saved me is the idea of suicide. Without the idea of suicide I would have surely killed myself. What allowed me to keep on living was knowing I had this option, always in sight... But really, without it I could have never endured life."

 

[lostautist]

Me too. It's like I'm one step closer to doing the irreversible thing I'm not really prepared to do yet.

Well put. You both articulated it much more succinctly and accurately than I ever could. For me though, I'm unsure what my uncertainty is about.

This is how I feel too. I do want to have an exit because I expect things in my life to get worse, but it doesn't make me feel any better or more calm.

It seems there are people that feel relief that they now have the option they've been yearning for, and others like me who are only coming to the conclusion to avoid facing a situation with no other perceived alternative.

 

[Jaded Pear]

My current method of partial seems to be far from ideal, but I think I relate to people in this thread. I strangely found coming to SS and trying to research quite relaxing in the past. I think for me continuing to live is scary, so even researching how to prevent that felt nice for a while.

 

[Depressed Cat]

Let me put it this way.

Scenario one: One is being tortured in horrendous ways by a diabolically evil demon who derives great pleasure in torturing (but not killing). The place is a dark dungeon deep underground where sunlight does not even reach and there is no means of escape at all.

Scenario two: One is being tortured in horrendous ways by the same diabolically evil demon who derives great pleasure in torturing (but not killing). The place, however, happens to be the top of a very tall cliff, and a fall from there would mean a guaranteed death.

The first scenario is similar to most people's suffering here without a reliable means of CTB.

The second scenario is similar to the situation of those who have obtained a reliable means of CTB. Yes, being tortured by the demon is hellish, but knowing that one can jump off the cliff to a certain death if the torture becomes unbearable happens to be a comforting thought to many. A silver lining to very dark clouds, if you will.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Because I can ctb reliably when my situation deems it necessary.

 

[Chiisai]

I've seen a lot of folks saying this lately: that once they obtained their means for ctb (SN or otherwise), they feel calm, or better somehow. Why is this the case for you, personally?

Sorry if this has an obvious answer. It sorta makes sense that after enduring so much pain, knowing you are that much closer to release is a comforting feeling. But for a lot of people I would think it would cause anxiety and uncertainty as well.

I ordered some means online a few weeks ago, and while I felt good while shopping for it, I didn't feel better when it arrived. Then I returned it, so I have no means in my possession right now. Does this just mean I'm at an earlier stage in SI, i.e. not very serious about it yet? It's true that I am still hanging onto some hope.

Mostly I'm just curious, as this calming effect seems to be a very common response. Please help me understand.

Because IMHO, it means I am taking back control of my life again and can go whenever I want to.

 

[t-rex]

I know my death will be relatively painless and dignified.

Interesting you use the world dignified. I don't think of suicide—whatever the method—as particularly dignified. That's one thing that turns me off of it. It's a dishonorable death, at least it will be in the eyes of most people. Maybe if you could get physician assisted suicide and be surrounded by sad but accepting loved ones. That would really be ideal.

Then again, the lives many of us are living are far from dignified. Maybe a peaceful suicide is more dignified than that. May I ask what method you have in mind?

I also wouldn't recommend it to impulsive people.

Yet it is exactly the impulsive people who will make use of the means that were acquired and stashed away in advance, for the right time. I am not very impulsive myself, and perhaps that why I don't get comfort from attaining the means without an immediate plan. Because I know I'm not likely to ctb impulsively in a moment of despair. Does that make sense?

As Emil Michel Cioran put it nicely

"What saved me is the idea of suicide. Without the idea of suicide I would have surely killed myself. What allowed me to keep on living was knowing I had this option, always in sight... But really, without it I could have never endured life."

That quote really makes me think. Thank you for sharing it. It's paradoxical: the idea of suicide, saving you from suicide.

Thank you for your responses, everyone. It seems that most of you are wanting that feeling of control, and wanting to avoid the trapped feeling. I totally get that. Yet there are also a few like me who are not very comforted by having the means at hand. It is fascinating to me that humans can have such varied and complex responses to the idea of something as ghastly as suicide. So complex that some of you will not even agree with my use of the word "ghastly". That ghastly feeling is often what gets me shrugging off the idea for a while. The thought of my decomposing corpse being discovered alone in my apartment. That and the idea of failing and then coming to, possibly permanently injured or damaged, and having the face the fallout and an even more bleak life ahead.

Thanks again all.

 

[Sherri]

In my case knowing I have it gives me a sense of empowerment, like an airplane one way ticket out if I want one day.

 

[t-rex]

After reading some of the PPeH just now (for the first time), I have a better understanding of the reasons many people want the means available in advance so a dignified death may be achieved at any time. People whose health (not just mental) is precarious and who may become incapacitated at any time and unable to procure the means at that time, will want to have it in advance. And it may enable them to actually get on with their lives better knowing the means are there any time, like the quote @Moomin17 shared.

 

[greyhound]

I think obtaining N has two effects - increasing the likelihood of CTB which can increase anxiety, but also decreasing the likelihood of painful CTB (jumping, hanging, cutting). So it depends on where you're at. If prospect of CTB seems inevitable then eliminating thoughts of having to go through painful death will likely be net calming. But if you're still thinking you might not CTB at all then having a means could just increase the likelihood of CTB and anxiety related to it.

 

[9BBN]

Interesting you use the world dignified. I don't think of suicide—whatever the method—as particularly dignified. That's one thing that turns me off of it. It's a dishonorable death, at least it will be in the eyes of most people. Maybe if you could get physician assisted suicide and be surrounded by sad but accepting loved ones. That would really be ideal.

Many people want to die on their own terms. Especially old people. This is why organizations like Exit are able to cater to old people. Your notion that suicide is dishonorable is cultural. There are many cultures where it's most honorable. But anyway I didn't say honorable, I said dignified. My autonomy is respected when you allow me to ctb by my own hand.

Then again, the lives many of us are living are far from dignified. Maybe a peaceful suicide is more dignified than that. May I ask what method you have in mind?

Yes, a peaceful death is commonly considered dignified. I don't share my method publicly.

Yet it is exactly the impulsive people who will make use of the means that were acquired and stashed away in advance, for the right time.

Impulsive people will use methods impulsively. This is a bad thing we all agree on. I do hope you're aware, at least, that most suicides are not impulsive.

I am not very impulsive myself, and perhaps that why I don't get comfort from attaining the means without an immediate plan. Because I know I'm not likely to ctb impulsively in a moment of despair. Does that make sense?

I think you're wrong but your wrong belief makes sense. You're implying that the comfort from an accessible method would have to come from being impulsive. As far as I can tell, you come to this conclusion by observing your own non-impulsivity, then observing your discomfort in having an accessible method, then concluding that the former causes the latter. You have the burden of proof here for that causation. If you give your reasons for causation, I will be able to respond to your actual argument, not just the conclusion. Until then, I'll just say that if you look at my original post, it is also your burden to explain how each of those explanations of comfort can only be derived from impulsivity.

I can make one dent in your argument without hearing it, though. In countries with legalized assisted suicide, many patients express comfort in their ability to exit soon, and even postpone their exit date. This is despite the fact that they could not ctb impulsively if they tried. Because the method for these people is not on hand, it requires assistance by a professional. In other words, accessible ≠ on hand, and empirically we observe that people derive comfort from both.

 

[t-rex]

@9BBN Relax, I'm not trying to make arguments and debate. I'm just musing. If you took offense to my questioning of the word "dignified", I also wasn't trying to argue against that either, I just hadn't read the PPeH yet and didn't realize that was a commonly used word in pro-choice circles like this.

I agree with your assertion that the idea that suicide is dishonorable is a cultural (Christian) value only.

As to where I land on the pro-choice/pro-life spectrum, it's a little murky still, but I didn't come here to argue against suicide for everyone always. Nor did I really come here to argue.