16thsatirist
predisposition? kinda silly
- May 31, 2025
- 37
my birthday is this month.
over the past few years, things just kept getting worse. i kept going to different psychiatrists, therapists, doctors, tried different meds, it's like nothing worked. i know i want to ctb, like that's been a definitive in my brain over the past few years.
the only thing worth living that i have left is my girlfriend, but even she's said that if i ever wanted to go, she would go with me. we've agreed on that, we both feel the same and we have been through a lot. it's gotten to a point where i'm not even crying or sad anymore, it's like emotions don't even exist anymore. i just get manic or back to the depths of hell. like, literally that's it. i can't get a job, my stomach hurts all the time, everyone i used to like being around annoys me.
i know living just isn't for me. i guess i can say at least i tried, and i made a fair but pathetic attempt at it. i got this far, and i just don't enjoy it. i have no hobbies, no desire to do anything, no desire to get better, no want to do anything. it's such a confusing emotion, i hope others can somewhat understand how i feel because it's hard to explain. it's like i'm not even living, barely surviving, just piloting my body to do things without any hope that it'll even give me any hope, it's more or less just to do things. recently, it's been riskier the more life goes on. substances, self-sabotage, doing things and going places i know i don't like just to feel something that isn't complete hopelessness. my dog and my cats haven't been helping either, i feel basically nothing from them because i have almost no emotional connection to them.
my heart races all the time. i'm almost sure that there's something wrong with me, but i don't really care anymore. i'm always scared of something, but just the physical symptoms of fear, which is arguably somewhat worse. i want some form of peace, i want release, i want an escape and i want it soon. maybe this sounds really corny and stuff or whatever, but sometimes i need to sound a bit corny to get my emotions out.
over the past few years, things just kept getting worse. i kept going to different psychiatrists, therapists, doctors, tried different meds, it's like nothing worked. i know i want to ctb, like that's been a definitive in my brain over the past few years.
the only thing worth living that i have left is my girlfriend, but even she's said that if i ever wanted to go, she would go with me. we've agreed on that, we both feel the same and we have been through a lot. it's gotten to a point where i'm not even crying or sad anymore, it's like emotions don't even exist anymore. i just get manic or back to the depths of hell. like, literally that's it. i can't get a job, my stomach hurts all the time, everyone i used to like being around annoys me.
i know living just isn't for me. i guess i can say at least i tried, and i made a fair but pathetic attempt at it. i got this far, and i just don't enjoy it. i have no hobbies, no desire to do anything, no desire to get better, no want to do anything. it's such a confusing emotion, i hope others can somewhat understand how i feel because it's hard to explain. it's like i'm not even living, barely surviving, just piloting my body to do things without any hope that it'll even give me any hope, it's more or less just to do things. recently, it's been riskier the more life goes on. substances, self-sabotage, doing things and going places i know i don't like just to feel something that isn't complete hopelessness. my dog and my cats haven't been helping either, i feel basically nothing from them because i have almost no emotional connection to them.
my heart races all the time. i'm almost sure that there's something wrong with me, but i don't really care anymore. i'm always scared of something, but just the physical symptoms of fear, which is arguably somewhat worse. i want some form of peace, i want release, i want an escape and i want it soon. maybe this sounds really corny and stuff or whatever, but sometimes i need to sound a bit corny to get my emotions out.
