why do you want to die

[user667]

in my suicidality, i have had to come face to face with what it means to be alive and what it means to be dead. i feel so dumb i cannot grasp these abstract concepts. how can i want to die if i do not know what death is? how can you want something you don't even know? all i know is that life is pointless, meaningless suffering. who says death won't be more of the same? the optimistic part of me says that nothing could ever be worse than this life. i do believe that's true. but no matter what i believe happens after death (i'm leaning towards oblivion at this point) i will never completely know and neither will any of you. i didn't used to think about this stuff, i thought more simply. "i am miserable, i want to escape and i hate this life, so i will just die." i miss that brain and i want it back. i want to gouge this stupid knowledge of existential crisis from my brain. i want to think simply again. i know i want to leave. i don't want to waste time thinking about what death is or how it exists. i don't know why we are here and it's quite distressing. how could we be here by chance? i don't believe in a god, and quite honestly i don't see the difference between "the universe" and god. people who believe in the universe simply believe in a god without the organized religion or the big man in the sky bullshit. but if god and the universe aren't real than how are we here? where the fuck did our consciousness come from? why is it so painful? how can i think right now? on the one hand, it would make sense if something put us here, if it wasn't just abstract chaos and there was somehow a rhyme or reason to these things. i don't see how, if a universe does not exist, we could exist. there is no such thing as the beginning or end of time. but another part of me says that maybe everything truly is random, our consciousness came from a random evolution of matter and evolved into the fucked world we have today. so is our entire lives just the product of complex science? why then, does death matter? and if the universe didn't put us here, where the fuck did we come from? i will never have answers. no matter what anyone tells me, there is never a way to know for sure. when i look back on my life, i am positive i do not want to continue. ignoring existential thoughts, my life has been full of suffering and it will continue to be full of suffering. all i want is to not experience consciousness anymore. to not think, or feel, or see or anything. i wish to return to what i experienced before i was born: pure pure nothingness. unless! there was something before i was born. i will acknowledge it is far fetched, but possible for us to have souls, or for our consciousness to exist in other dimension. maybe everything from before i was born was wiped the second i entered this body. or maybe, in a series of biological processes, i developed a consciousness in my mother's womb that is explained not by mysteries of the universe, but simply by chance, by randomness, by science. i don't have the answers and i never will and it's killing me. it's hard to kill yourself when you can't grasp the basic concepts of life and death. i want to kill this awareness, this desire to understand, and go back to the way my brain was before. i was young and dumb and i didn't have all these fucking questions. all i wanted was death. all i still want is death, and it consumes my every waking minute. to live is too painful, and it means accepting the meaninglessness of it all, and the suffering. i will not do that. but the more i think about it, life and death seem like the same thing. both are ultimately so fucking confusing. i don't know what to do. i want to kill myself, and i hope to soon. but it's more of a "might as well do it" than it was before. i might as well do it because i know there is nothing left for me on this earth, in this body, in this life. and with that knowledge i can make the decision to leave. it's scary to leave when you do not know where you are going. all i can hope is that death is falling asleep and never waking up.

 

[Nexey]

I know two things.
1. My brain is malfunctional.
2. Death is inevitable.

Non-existence is something all of us have "experienced." I will face it again whether I like it or not. The only thing that changes is if I face it now or later.

You're saying it's impossible to want death, since none of us know it. But we barely know life and all of the possible suffering it can bring. I can't tell what will happen to me ten years from now, just like how I can't tell what will happen to me when I die.

 

[WornOutLife]

how could we be here by chance? i don't believe in a god, and quite honestly i don't see the difference between "the universe" and god. people who believe in the universe simply believe in a god without the organized religion or the big man in the sky bullshit. but if god and the universe aren't real than how are we here? where the fuck did our consciousness come from? why is it so painful? how can i think right now?

I wonder the same things everyday. I just feel "inferior" because of not being able to have these answers.
Religion and science have some beliefs and theories but there is no actual proof of anything.
We know about evolution thanks to Charles Darwin but still, how come something come from nothing?
There's gotta be something else.
I really think we're in a simulation and we'll find out the truth once we log out (die).

Anyway, as for your question in the title, I don't feel like dying now but my reason for wanting to die has always been the fact I found life absurd and ridiculous. I didn't see the point of being here. I'm still trying to find it but I think life goals are kinda boring.

I mean, is the system of "studying, working, getting married, having a family, keeping working and dying as an old grey man" really everything? Sounds disappointing.

Still, I'm trying to enjoy things I like such as learning languages, and once this fucking pandemic is over, travelling to some countries (Going to Japan is my dream)

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

That's not a wall of text. That's a shield of text being slammed into my face. Sorry you are feeling this way.

 

[iwanttodie000]

I resonate with all of this. There is absolutely nothing left for me here. Don't get me wrong, I have good memories, I've done and seen a lot I'm grateful for, but I have been dead inside and an empty shell of a person for so long, I don't even feel like a person anymore. My depression.anxiety has been an issue along with my suicidal thoughts/ideation since I was a kid. It is scary, I used to be much more scared of the "where am I going to go" after I die, but I have come to terms with it and believe that it will just be eternal blackness and peace and an abyss of nothingness. Peace is all that's on my mind and to me, ctb is the only way to get my peace. I can't wait honestly.

 

[user667]

I resonate with all of this. There is absolutely nothing left for me here. Don't get me wrong, I have good memories, I've done and seen a lot I'm grateful for, but I have been dead inside and an empty shell of a person for so long, I don't even feel like a person anymore. My depression.anxiety has been an issue along with my suicidal thoughts/ideation since I was a kid. It is scary, I used to be much more scared of the "where am I going to go" after I die, but I have come to terms with it and believe that it will just be eternal blackness and peace and an abyss of nothingness. Peace is all that's on my mind and to me, ctb is the only way to get my peace. I can't wait honestly.

yeah this is pretty much how i feel. i'm already basically dead, and i'm postive i don't want anything more in life, so i'm choosing to die. maybe it's more idealistic than anything, but i think when i die i will finally at rest and will find peace.

 

[iwanttodie000]

yeah this is pretty much how i feel. i'm already basically dead, and i'm postive i don't want anything more in life, so i'm choosing to die. maybe it's more idealistic than anything, but i think when i die i will finally at rest and will find peace.

That's how I feel. I hope that's the case for the both of us. We both deserve to find that peace we're seeking.

 

[user667]

I know two things.
1. My brain is malfunctional.
2. Death is inevitable.

Non-existence is something all of us have "experienced." I will face it again whether I like it or not. The only thing that changes is if I face it now or later.

You're saying it's impossible to want death, since none of us know it. But we barely know life and all of the possible suffering it can bring. I can't tell what will happen to me ten years from now, just like how I can't tell what will happen to me when I die.

yeah i suppose it's just the distress of not knowing either. i don't know what life means or what it holds or why we are here, but i know i don't want any of it. i think being human is fucking terrifying. and i am sure that if i stay here much longer things will just get worse and worse. so i guess i've landed on death for as an answer, despite not knowing exactly what it is.

 

[booray]

I want to ctb because my life is in ruins. I mean that I ruined it. I'm not stuck, I'm broken and I'm never going to able to fix myself. Nothing is going to get better, and even if it did, I don't have the time or patience for baby steps. I'm too old to change my mindset. My life has been an abysmal failure. I can't do this anymore. I'm so done with life. I made a huge mistake and there are no do-overs and second chances. I could go on and on, but what's the point?

 

[Nexey]

yeah i suppose it's just the distress of not knowing either. i don't know what life means or what it holds or why we are here, but i know i don't want any of it. i think being human is fucking terrifying. and i am sure that if i stay here much longer things will just get worse and worse. so i guess i've landed on death for as an answer, despite not knowing exactly what it is.

The worst part of existential dread is how paralyzing it can be. I often find myself thinking about the same things over, and over, and over. Frankly, I'm jealous of people who found an answer in religion and are perfectly comfortable with it. I've spent most of my life looking for some sort of clue on how this all works and have come out empty-handed thus far.

 

[iwanttodie000]

I want to ctb because my life is in ruins. I mean that I ruined it. I'm not stuck, I'm broken and I'm never going to able to fix myself. Nothing is going to get better, and even if it did, I don't have the time or patience for baby steps. I'm too old to change my mindset. My life has been an abysmal failure. I can't do this anymore. I'm so done with life. I made a huge mistake and there are no do-overs and second chances. I could go on and on, but what's the point?

My thoughts exactly

 

[summers]

I don't necessarily want to die, but that is a preferable to getting old and weak.

 

[Gonjoolie]

I believe I'm a terrible person who deserves death. I'm also worried about things such as climate change and the rise of fascism and I'm not a strong enough person to live through either of those when they get bad

 

[Sensei]

My mental health condition, bipolar disorder II, has worn me down and ruined my social life. I want to strike pre-emptively before I become a tragic, lonely, old man with escalating mental problems.

 

[torimandy]

I don't want ti die. I love the person I am. I am kind and giving to a fault. I see others pain and do everything I can to ease that pain. I am in such terrible pain though because of the way I am treated by society, and I know I will be alone the rest of my life because of the prejudice and hate fostered by the religious right and even allot of the left that I am unemployable and will never attain the things I need to make my life bearable.

Knowing you are facing the rest of your life utterly alone and the only factor you can control is how long you have to suffer, catching the bus is the only option left for me.

 

[Bigpink]

I have loved, lived, travelled, partied, worked, studied. Nothing left on this earth for me.

 

[Defenestration]

Its very simple...
Just because I can't work because severe social phobia and severe anxiety performance...I tried to work since 10 years ...torture mentale every day....stop I prefer to be dead...

So,no work=no money=I cant live: suicide...

 

[angelfeather]

Mine comes down to childhood trauma, depression, anxiety, emotional dysregulation, emotional intensity/instability, being controlled by others, relationship problems, no self worth or confidence, feeling empty, lost, caring about others too much but not getting anything back and hardly any hope in recovering (although I am still just about engaging with mental health services). I could go on and on.

 

[it's_all_a_game]

I don't want to die, but I feel like I have to die, if that makes any sense. This world was not meant for someone like me, sadly.

 

[Wheredidmysanitygo]

Because i've exhausted all my opportunities to be "happy" and fucked them all up. I'm mentally, emotionally and physically drained. I don't see any possible positive outcome to my current situation. I'm tired of drowning in regret. So tired of being this broken record stuck with constant despair and self loathing. Incapable of even the simplest of tasks. Dysfunctional in every possible way. I am no longer capable of even thinking of any way anything could possibly improve. Even my ex (a self proclaimed "witch") at one point whilst being together, told me i was literally cursed. I see myself rapidly descending into the abyss. I'm in ruins. The only thing i'm capable of right now is praying that the SN gets thru the customs safely into my hands whilst i drink the memories of my former life away waiting for the opportunity to finally end it all.

 

[Neowise]

Because I am human trash. Dumb, ugly, shit personality, shit family, no talent, only failing. My parents should have never met. The planet doesn't need people like me as I can't contribute anything useful.

 

[roguetrader]

Getting too old and I think my life will start going downhill soon. Can no longer improve in other aspects of life to overcome the downside of aging.

 

[BrokenHopes]

Something snapped in my head. I have been working hard on recovery. Even got to enjoy life a bit. I cant fight this hard just to be somewhat normal. No fuck that, fuck me and fuck my life.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Because I am human trash. Dumb, ugly, shit personality, shit family, no talent, only failing. My parents should have never met. The planet doesn't need people like me as I can't contribute anything useful.

Yeah, same. A cruel realization.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm an evil person who refuses to change. The world would literally be a much better place if everyone like me was dead. As long as I am alive, suffering is assured for me and everyone around me.

Oh yeah, and I have never been in a relationship before and it's been so long that it's impossible for me to ever have a healthy one starting now. Most likely my only chances of getting one are if I'm being manipulated, taken advantage of, or I had to settle for something worse than having no relationship.

Maybe whatever deity is out there can create some kind of miracle to keep me alive but if that was gonna happen they should have done it already.

 

[Pen>Sword]

I have made regrets from the past that I can never correct. I can't turn back the clock, and it's making me suicidal.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

I tend to agree with absurdism and think life is meaningless and we're no more special than a fly on a wall, but hey, what do I know? I could be wrong. Honestly, this stuff just doesn't hit me as hard anymore. I still find it interesting and I still wonder and think about it often, but there is very little pain involved in thinking my life is more than likely meaningless. In a way, there's a freedom to it. Kind of. We don't get to choose anything so also not really, but still. I also think you and I have different definitions of what the universe is. I just think of the observable universe and what we do know about it. I certainly don't see how acknowledging an observable area not governed by a higher being is at all similar to believing In God.

To answer your question, my main reason for wanting to die is my mental health but it's not my only reason. Either way, sorry to hear how much you're struggling. You really sound to be in a lot of pain.

 

[Superdeterminist]

To put it in general terms, I want to die because the will isn't aligned with reality. What I mean by that is reality unfolds and it doesn't care if things go the way you want them to or not, it just unfolds. Because of this, we have suffering. Sure, some things might go your way, maybe even many things. And, I want to add, I don't demand that absolutely EVERYTHING goes my way. I could manage with trivial things like getting a stone in my shoe etc. and such problems could serve as neat little challenges, I don't know. But eventually, something WILL go terribly wrong, and cause tremendous suffering.

The deep, deep pain, the arresting terror, the disgusting primal panic caused by these events easily make life an enterprise that is not worthwhile, in my view. In my life, these events will take the form of aging, homelessness (probably), lovelessness, imprisonment, and the perpetual SEVERE psychache associated with all of these issues (as well as other issues I won't bother to mention, can't manage to put into words, or just happen not to occur to me at the time or writing this post). I simply cannot find a way of justifying the sheer ocean of suffering within the history of humanity (holocaust, genocides, wars, rapes, floods, earthquakes, plagues etc etc etc) and occurring as we speak (don't forget the non-human animals as well - both in the wild and in the concentration camps they call farms). My personal past is already peppered throughout with horrendous moments of pure suffering that have turned me against living. And I'm not even old really, so there's plenty more time for suffering to creep in and say hello again.

These atrocious occurrences that reality permits, with each individual experiencing their own unique little (huge?) slice of hell (there perhaps exists a lucky few who would claim to have never experienced any such hell) prevent me from loving life, and make it very, very tempting to resent all of it instead.

 

[MrBlue]

I can't function as a human in anyway. It's most painful socially, because I'll never experience having friends or relationships. I'm objectively unlovable.
But I'm woefully incompetent at everything else as well. I still live with my parents, I can't drive, and I can't even function in a work setting. Like I've literally fucked up in inital induction level stuff. NO matter what I try, or how much effort I put in, I will always be useless.

I am such a pathetic, comtemptible shit smear of an existence, and other people don't deserve having to interact with me.

 

[OblivionSeeker]

I'm an Existential Nihilist too. Absurdist. Agnostic/atheist.

I'm getting old, and I want to go before I have a stroke and end up in a convolescent center. I don't want to be a 75 year old man under constant care, with 5 heart attacks and strokes under my belt.

I'm married to a man that doesn't love me, except in a remote nostalgic way. I get about 10 minutes a day of his time. I have no friends, no neighbors, no family. I haven't worked in 19 years so I don't know anybody. Half the people I ever knew are already passed.

My health is deteriorating. I'm in pain all the time. There's no joy at all for me. I've been wanting to go since 2017, but this year I've finally started planning and preparing. Thank you to all you folks who are sharing and reading:)