Discussion Why do you want to CTB?

[dyingalone123]

Why do you want to ctb?

I'm in so much pain mentally and physically. I don't know how to go on. The only thing is keeping me here is my SI.

 

[FuneralCry]

I want to ctb as I dislike everything about living. I just want to not exist. The problem is life itself, the cause of all suffering. The way I see it, I was perfectly fine not existing before I was forced to live. I am not meant for this world. I see life as pointless and tedious and life does not interest me or appeal to me in any way. I lack the ability to cope with life. I see it as a mistake me being here, I should never have been born.

 

[AtMostOkay]

Because I'm tired. I lived. I functioned highly, without a soul truly caring for me. And now I'm weary to the bone. But more yet is expected. "If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman?"

 

[deflationary]

*Grief over the death (suicide) of my ex.
*Disgust at the amount of self-deception life demands.
*Fatigue from endlessly repeating the same meaningless actions for no good end whatsoever.
*Estrangement from everyone and everything.
*Because I'm a man with "a morbid, frantic, shuddering hatred of the life-principle itself, who wishes to extirpate from the planet every trace of biological organism, animal and vegetable alike, including himself." The quote is Lovecraft's.
*Because it's just blindingly obvious that it's the most rational thing to do.

 

[NormaJeane]

Suicide is the best way to die.

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

I feel like I'm not made for life. I shouldnt have survived as a baby and I shouldnt be here right now. Its not the course of nature. That's why I have mental illness, because of my genes. I just see myself as a failure. I never feel at peace. I'm completely numb, its like I'm empty inside, I can't even cry about my situation. There is a lot wrong with me. The only thing that makes me excited is contemplating the fact that my existence will end. I'm stuck in the middle, dont want to live but not ready to CTB either. I just really dislike living with depression.

 

[dyingalone123]

I feel like I'm not made for life. I shouldnt have survived as a baby and I shouldnt be here right now. Its not the course of nature. That's why I have mental illness, because of my genes. I just see myself as a failure. I never feel at peace. I'm completely numb, its like I'm empty inside, I can't even cry about my situation. There is a lot wrong with me. The only thing that makes me excited is contemplating the fact that my existence will end. I'm stuck in the middle, dont want to live but not ready to CTB either. I just really dislike living, its not for me.

I'm stuck too. I think one day we will become unstuck.

 

[EndlessDolphin]

I don't have any friends due to my social anxiety, which has significantly worsened my depression. My job options are limited because of it, so I most likely end up with a job I don't like in the first place. I feel like a failure compared to other people my age and I'm starting to feel anger towards them and how easy it is for them to do something as simple as have a conversation with a stranger, while I'm starting to go in reverse with my anxiety and not be able to look people in the eyes anymore. I don't see anything getting better and I don't want to stick around and see how bad everything's going to get.

 

[ihatemylife]

A physical condition which has destroyed my body ,mind and soul. I am truly exhausted. Everyday is a struggle. Its all so pointless. I just finally want some peace. I never want to face another day again. Death sounds so peaceful to me

 

[WrongPlaceWrongTime]

Because life is not for me.

 

[dyingalone123]

I broke down and I spoke to my parents about my depression anxiety. They don't believe in my pain. They think I have it too good to have any pain. I know they've struggled as immigrants but it doesn't invalidate my pain.

 

[orangepotato]

No one loves me. No one ever has. Not one single person gives a shit about me.

 

[meetapple]

I feel like I don't have control over my situation. I have worked at it since I was hospitalized for the first and only time to no avail. Someone else who is not screwed up could use the money wasted on my existence to have a good life. My poor self efficacy lowers my self esteem.

 

[bed]

Life is completely meaningless. No matter what you do, what actions you take, or try to give meaning to, it will not matter. I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember, depression for half of my life, and chronic pain for the last 3-4 years. Things just keep getting worse. There is no point in this. It won't matter in the end anyway and I'm just prolonging my suffering to appease others.

 

[Littlepaws]

I have a couple of reasons...

1) I feel that I'm not where I see should be at my stage of life. In fact. I'm drastically behind what one would expect for my age.

2) Loneliness. I may have a few friends, and I've had relationships in the past, but forming and maintaining relationships with others has always been difficult for me.

This is probably due to the constant bullying I experienced throughout my school years, and later during the early years of employment.

There's also the emotional and physical abuse that I've a received from a past partner, as well the emotional & physical abuse, and the attempted smothering by my own mother.

Unfortunately, there's no other family in the picture because she has always kept me isolated from them and my father.

The only time my mother even communicates with me is to tell me how useless I am, put me down or to try and get more money from me.

This has all left me feeling anxious, depressed and finding little pleasure in life.

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

Life is completely meaningless. No matter what you do, what actions you take, or try to give meaning to, it will not matter. I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember, depression for half of my life, and chronic pain for the last 3-4 years. Things just keep getting worse. There is no point in this. It won't matter in the end anyway and I'm just prolonging my suffering to appease others.

How old are you?

 

[bed]

How old are you?

26

 

[lofticries]

A lot of self hate and disconnection with the world in general. My mood is forever either apathetic or anxious no matter what happens.

 

[wannabesetfree]

I literally have no one who loves me or cares for me. I'm totally alone. Also, I've been suicidal for over half my life. Nothing in my life has improved in my 28 years of being here, I've just been suffering. I'm dirt poor because my mental and physical health issues prevent me from keeping a job but I can't get disability. The one thing I want to do to make a living is near impossible unless I get lucky, and I'm just in a lot of pain. I think about death all the time and just want my hellish life to be over. However, I'm stuck because I really want to go peacefully but all of the methods to go peacefully require a lot of money, money which I ofc don't have. I'm even too poor to die with dignity.

 

[tiredquail]

My family is tired for my mental illness.
They want me to be over it and if I cant they are just going to move on without me , as they are not going to wait around for me and they can not afford to take me with them .. so I either buck up and get over my illness or be left behind.
I dont want to be feeling left behind or a burden

 

[OnlyTheWind]

Still obsessed with my high school crush, and all my dreams have been stolen from me by this world. No future, no hope.

 

[Bedrock48]

Not an exhaustive list, just what comes to mind

1) Currently stuck in a vicious cycle of sh and self destruction in a bid to make me feel less inclined to ctb. It works but ultimately I'm self destructing to avoid self destructing, I can't seem to get out.

2) I'm tired. Tired of having to fight for every crumb of progress. People commend me for my effort but it feels as though the fight for recovery has aged me 2x as fast as normal. Its exhausting and enternal sleep sometimes seems like the best solution.

3) Nowadays I feel such a disconnect from 'real life'. I don't belong and should have never survived to this point.

 

[Sebuet]

Done with life, done with people. Hope family can forgive me.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I cant fit into the world. There is depression, autism and other health problems too. Future is bleak and hopeless. No job, no safety net, no family or partner of my own. Just waiting to die by natural causes if not before that

 

[wanttodie]

Because I'm tired. and sick life and living want my life to end don't wnt live any more

 

[hanax.]

all of these things started becoming like a game, i started thinking it was. a game i refuse to play. in this world, i am more of a trust fund baby - i never knew how to stand on my own two feet without needing to listen to others. if life's just about becoming how others want you to be instead of becoming how you want yourself to be, then what's the point of living? plus, the idea of living for the next few years just... terrifies me. if i were to have another chance to live, i don't want this body. i hate myself. i hate my gender. i want to restart, to become better but it's just hard with this life i have.

 

[JFED]

The one person that made me feel important is backing away. Once they are gone I'm nothing

 

[clown_17]

I had a mental breakdown, lost the ability to function, and haven't gained it back. I may never be normal again

 

[NoLightRemains]

I lost a partner and two friends to suicide in the last year.
I have suffered greatly reduced function caused by worsening chronic illness/mental illness.
I tried really hard to manage my depression that I've dealt with since childhood to give myself the best chance at life possible, but I'm so tired.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

In this order:
1. Money. I will run out in 2-5 years and see no realistic "career" /job that would not require a Herculean effort at retooling. Without $ can't enjoy anything. Survival is hardly worth it.

2. Loneliness. I've let languish all my friendships. No partner. No kids. No reason to live. Love of life ditched me. Heartbroken and numb.

3. Impending old age /health issues/ doom.
Why stick around? For what? Nothing to look forward to but misery.

4. Humiliation. I've fucked up and failed everything. Living on is a constant ever waking reminder of my failure. Endure that why?

On the other hand… oh wait there is no other hand …