It depends on what you mean by "living". If it's about your heart still beating, your lungs filling up with air and releasing it, waking up in the morning (wondering why you didn't die in your sleep), eating, etc. then yeah, technically I'm still alive. But I don't feel like I'm living.
It's tough to explain, I don't know if you'll get me, but most of the time I believe that I'm actually dead and that this is some sort of nightmare that I want to wake up from asap.
If you were to ask me specifically why my heart still beats and so on, well... it's thanks to (or because of) my family. I attempted ctb a couple of months ago when I was still living on my own and I miserably failed because for some reason I couldn't go ahead and do it. But it was too late and I had already sent them goodbye messages. The next morning they came rushing to my apartment... I will never forget the way my sister was crying and shaking, thinking that she will find me dead. It broke my heart. I instantly regretted both the fact that I failed and that I was still alive, and the fact that I attempted to do it in the first place. Confusing, isn't it?
Anyway, since then they've been trying to help me in any way that they can, I'm still alive, biologically speaking. I love them and I'm grateful for everything they're doing for me, but that doesn't prevent me from thinking about ctb every second of my existence. Eventually I will do it... the sooner the better. As time passes, they will believe more and more that I've recovered and that I'm ready to pick up the pieces of my life, ready to start over. I am not, and will never be. I hope they will understand that it's not their fault that I'm broken beyond recovery, hopeless, unfixable. Maybe they will stop blaming themselves and accept the fact that it's better this way, for all of us. I really hope they will do!
Do you want to know how love feels like? Well, if you've never experienced it before, it's pretty understandable that you have this curiosity and you're determined to discover this other aspect of life. In my case, this is precisely what destroyed me, along with many other bad decisions that I made throughout my life. However, I don't want to discourage you because deep down I'm aware that every single case it's different, and something that may be negative for me, could be life-changing for you. So go for it! :) I wish you all the best!
