redkitsune98

redkitsune98

Broken beyond repair
Sep 2, 2024
181
I've always felt lonely, ever since I was a child. I never had the feeling of a friend, relative or someone around me knowing my true self and I always felt like I didn't belong or wasn't really seen and understood.

All of that changed a few months ago when I met Bruno. We met on a dating app, and everything clicked from the start. From the bio he wrote for himself to the first few messages he ever sent me. It still warms my heart how there wasn't even a "hello, how are you?" and in half an hour we felt like close friends.
For the first few weeks, we became really close friends. We would talk at every single moment of our free time, and soon we started doing phone and video calls to the point where I would wake up at 2am to talk to him when he got out of work, and we would stay together until he got home.

It felt like a dream, finally having someone admire every single quirk and respect every single detail about you. He used to say my life looked perfect, I was perfect, no one in the world would ever be good enough because they were not me.

We started planning a trip to meet up. He lives 150km or 100 miles away, and he would have come stay the weekend. We started thinking all this romantic stuff about holding hands and cuddling to sleep and a day came when he said he wanted to kiss me.

That's when our relationship started. We spent the next day talking about it and how his mom heard him and was worried about him meeting some stranger from the internet so I planned an earlier trip to meet him instead. The next day we were already calling each other boyfriend.

That week was magical. We would plan our future, our house, our jobs, our children, our vacations, our sex. And then he came out to me as asexual. I did my best to deal with it, but I had always been insecure about my body, so he wanted to try sex (he still never did it) but wasn't sure my body was gonna attract him and he was more into the idea of sex than sex itself.

A day came, a week before our trip, when the conversation took a bad turn in which I confessed how much it would hurt me to lose him if he ever lost interest in me because I wasn't able to give him the sexual experiences he wanted. I said I would never give him up and I'd rather give sex up, and also some stuff about being here for him no matter what and never letting him go.

The next day he ghosted me, had one final conversation and blocked me everywhere, saying he still loved me but he felt used, he felt pressured into me without a choice. We stayed a few weeks apart, in which I tried contacting him 2 or 3 times and then he made a friend.

Talking to that friend, he confessed how he felt as if I was gonna rape him, to which that friend came and talked to me and got the confession that I was once raped so there was some idea within me to be raped again by Bruno for him to like me. It was a sort of idea that he had to use me in the way that evil person once did for me to be good enough. Thanks to this friend, we made peace and started talking again.

He talked about how 5 years ago he lost his father and the next 3 years were living hell, his father's family turned against him and even tried forcing him to be with a girl once. He had tried to kill himself 2 years before he met me, and the only way he survived is because he saved himself, all on his own, with no one's help. He used to define himself as a suicidal psycho and he had realized I also was like that. He was afraid one day he was gonna show me a dark side and I would leave him but I swore I never would.

He wasn't ready for a relationship, so we agreed to stay friends. We promised to sort things out this time instead of just acting on impulse and to understand each other better as we tried to fix our friendship. We started making new plans, I bought a game we never had time to play, and we planned a new trip.

He even had a dream where he saw me as the only person in his entire life who would never leave his side and leave in in the dark whenever his depression came back. We even had plans for him to buy a house, I would buy mine, I would buy a bike and we would always travel together and one day sell both houses and buy a bigger one for the two of us (but only after marriage, because to live together before that would mean having the risk to see the other leave with another man).

We went back to the idea of saying I love you, using pet names (I called him kitty, he called me foxy), and we saw that we once again felt like soulmates, destined to be together no matter what. We had all these ideas of staying in this gray area of a relationship and letting time pass by until we made a decision. Another important conversation was on thursday when he had a depressive episode and I helped him through it. We promised we would always help each other and he said he did the right thing by coming back.

That was until that saturday, 31rd of august.

We had even gone back to speaking about sex, in our trip that would happen a week from then. And that saturday morning we had a normal conversation, very loving and happy and fun like we always used to. He had a dream where an angel appeared and told him to beware of something bad that was gonna happen and the only thing that made him feel good after that dream was hearing my voice. It made him feel like bright flowers sprouted in his mind.

His brother came around and that's where it all went to shit. We said bye, I love you, talk to you soon, and he went to talk to his brother. The day passed by, and I sent him like 50 messages and tried calling his phone 20 times, because I felt an anxiety attack over the idea his brother could be turning him against me.

By the beggining of the night, he sent me a handful of messages and instantly blocked me. In those messages he talked about how the angel was telling him to do the right thing, and he was thankful for everything but wasn't ready for a relationship so he was removing me from his life. There was even a message about God and Jesus written in a way that maked me suspect his mom wrote it instead, because he didn't speak like that and isn't even a christian. He talked in a very weird way about how my father was right by saying we should split up and find girlfriends instead. Again, it wasn't him who wrote that message, I am sure of it.

That killed me. I spent a whole weekend lying in bed and didn't even shower or eat. I tried overdosing on OTC meds but that doesn't work. The week that came, I sent him a bunch of emails begging to talk, even a goodbye letter for my suicide, and that's the week I joined this website.

By the next weekend, my friend called him and had a conversation about suicide. By the way, at this point, the guy who brought us together had disappeared and never showed up again. My friend begged him to talk to me and he did, through e-mail. So instead of our weekend together, I had 100 e-mails where he talked about how I needed to save myself on my own and it would only hurt us both for he to be by my side. I begged him to help me, to be there, to show me the way out of the darkness, and he said he didn't hate me as I was saying but he couldn't be there anymore. I had to save me for my own sake, not for his.

By the end of the conversation, he just said "you're on your own now. I believe you, save yourself. See you on the other side".

Instead of that, the very next day (which was my birthday, by the way), he talked to my friend and told him "He'll never see me again, you need to tell him that. Otherwise, he's only gonna save himself for my sake, not for his. I'll never be his friend again". Over the course of september, I fucked up even worse. I asked friends to call him, message him, he blocked them all instantly. I even made a fake instagram account and he blocked it. A few days ago he removed over 200 followers on instagram and made his account private so now I can't even see his photos on browser without logging in.

I do recognize I was a stalker, and that was mostly because I wanted to beg for him to come back. There was even a day I phoned him from another person's phone and as soon as he recognized it was me he hang up and blocked it too. I was a fucking idiotic stalker and ruined whatever he still might have felt good about me. Over the course of september I think it was 2 friends calling, 4 texting, 1 fake instagram profile, 1 call from me and the e-mails which I don't even know if he ever read.

And now the worst part. A friend of mine, the same who made him talk to me that day, allegedly is talking to him on the phone again. Why don't I trust it? That friend never proved anything, he just says his phone won't screenshot the call log and Bruno is always in a rush and never has time to answer the more personal questions that would make me know it was him really. That friend simply said "his family is tracking him, they're not leaving him alone, they don't want him to be with a man. He misses you and wants to come back but he needs time as he's sorting things out. He has no way of contacting you at all, but he still loves you and misses you". But I don't have a single shred of proof and all of that might just be lies from a prolifer friend trying to stop me from suiciding.

Finally I get to explain that through all this convoluted relationship, the things that hurt me the most are: not even having a chance to say goodbye. Being abandoned the same exact way twice (a week before our trip). Never seeing him IRL, not even getting a hug from him. He was the only person who I ever dated in 26 years of life. He was the only person who ever saw my true self and loved me still.

It was the final straw. The final shred of pain before I gave up on life. 26 years of pain and I only had a handful of weeks of happiness. So many things in my life had gone wrong but I was willing to move on by his side and I didn't get to do that. Every single thing I do now reminds me of him and I just need to rest and maybe dream of him forever. That's my story.
 
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redkitsune98

redkitsune98

Broken beyond repair
Sep 2, 2024
181
By the way, I forgot to say one thing. We were both's first boyfriends, and he was even more possessive than I was to the point of saying he would make people know I belonged to him by kissing or biting me whenever we were in public, which made me feel really happy somehow because it made me feel loved and wanted
 
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Reflection

Reflection

One last hurrah
Sep 12, 2024
251
It seems to me that this person was very troubled from the start, he love bombed you, talked about sex then revealed he is asexual, it got even fucked when apparently he said he had to "use you" for you to be any good? I think he is a disgusting person and you're better off without him, I'm not gonna say that you dodged a bullet because it did scrape you at the very least, but I really hope you can move on from him and find someone genuine, but I know how attachment and love can be when you've poured your heart and soul into someone, it's horrible that we're built in a way that makes us bond only for some people to break you...so please at least gove yourself some time to heal and only CTB once you're sure you can't do anyhting about your pain.
 
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redkitsune98

redkitsune98

Broken beyond repair
Sep 2, 2024
181
It seems to me that this person was very troubled from the start, he love bombed you, talked about sex then revealed he is asexual, it got even fucked when apparently he said he had to "use you" for you to be any good? I think he is a disgusting person and you're better off without him, I'm not gonna say that you dodged a bullet because it did scrape you at the very least, but I really hope you can move on from him and find someone genuine, but I know how attachment and love can be when you've poured your heart and soul into someone, it's horrible that we're built in a way that makes us bond only for some people to break you...so please at least gove yourself some time to heal and only CTB once you're sure you can't do anyhting about your pain.
Im the one who felt like he had to use me. I wanted him to do whatever he wanted to me without caring for my needs and wants
It seems to me that this person was very troubled from the start, he love bombed you, talked about sex then revealed he is asexual, it got even fucked when apparently he said he had to "use you" for you to be any good? I think he is a disgusting person and you're better off without him, I'm not gonna say that you dodged a bullet because it did scrape you at the very least, but I really hope you can move on from him and find someone genuine, but I know how attachment and love can be when you've poured your heart and soul into someone, it's horrible that we're built in a way that makes us bond only for some people to break you...so please at least gove yourself some time to heal and only CTB once you're sure you can't do anyhting about your pain.
He was always very good to me until he left. I think he was troubled and confused. I still wait for him, and i don't want any new person
It seems to me that this person was very troubled from the start, he love bombed you, talked about sex then revealed he is asexual, it got even fucked when apparently he said he had to "use you" for you to be any good? I think he is a disgusting person and you're better off without him, I'm not gonna say that you dodged a bullet because it did scrape you at the very least, but I really hope you can move on from him and find someone genuine, but I know how attachment and love can be when you've poured your heart and soul into someone, it's horrible that we're built in a way that makes us bond only for some people to break you...so please at least gove yourself some time to heal and only CTB once you're sure you can't do anyhting about your pain.
He was always very good to me until he left. I think he was troubled and confused. I still wait for him, and i don't want any new person
 
Reflection

Reflection

One last hurrah
Sep 12, 2024
251
Im the one who felt like he had to use me. I wanted him to do whatever he wanted to me without caring for my needs and wants
But you shouldn't feel that way though at all in a healthy relationship, and your partner themselves should definitely not want you to feel that way...you mentioned that you've been lonely for 26 years. Perhaps this has made you so starved of love that you'd take anything, but it doesn't have to be this way. I don't wanna sound cliche but I think you should work on your self esteem first and try to get help with that, otherwise others might easily take advantage of you and keep breaking you even more. I had a friend whose girlfriend is very beautiful yet insecure because she uses crutches to walk, and the guy walks all over her and abuses her while she's completely attached to him. Stuff like that is just horrible. Anyhow, I hope you are able to heal yourself, and find your peace no matter what.
 
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redkitsune98

redkitsune98

Broken beyond repair
Sep 2, 2024
181
But you shouldn't feel that way though at all in a healthy relationship, and your partner themselves should definitely not want you to feel that way...you mentioned that you've been lonely for 26 years. Perhaps this has made you so starved of love that you'd take anything, but it doesn't have to be this way. I don't wanna sound cliche but I think you should work on your self esteem first and try to get help with that, otherwise others might easily take advantage of you and keep breaking you even more. I had a friend whose girlfriend is very beautiful yet insecure because she uses crutches to walk, and the guy walks all over her and abuses her while she's completely attached to him. Stuff like that is just horrible. Anyhow, I hope you are able to heal yourself, and find your peace no matter what.
He never abused me or made me feel unworthy. If anything, i went after those feelings myself. Instead he adored me
 
redkitsune98

redkitsune98

Broken beyond repair
Sep 2, 2024
181
I keep defending him but that's because i still love him. Despite all he did he is a good person with an injured soul. I would like to hope he felt the courage to heal by my side. I am still here for him if he needs it
 
redkitsune98

redkitsune98

Broken beyond repair
Sep 2, 2024
181
Did I mention every night I dream of him? It really drags me down
 
redkitsune98

redkitsune98

Broken beyond repair
Sep 2, 2024
181
In place of your love, empathy, and care
Today there's coldness, pain, and indifference.
I love enough for both of us,
Do you think someone better will come after?

I hurt you, scared you, tortured you,
But how could I give back something different from what you gave me?
I loved you, adored you, took care of you,
But how could I give back something different from what you gave me?

I'm tired of this fight; I want to rest.
It's not your fault; I've long since given up the battle.
But you could save me with a word, a hug—
Let me dream.
There's no better life than the one
You could have given me.

I wrote this last poem for him. I used to write poems everyday for him
 
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samoyedlover

Member
Sep 25, 2024
14
Is this the only reason you are going to CTB? I know you love him and hurts but he is not worth it.
 
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redkitsune98

redkitsune98

Broken beyond repair
Sep 2, 2024
181
Is this the only reason you are going to CTB? I know you love him and hurts but he is not worth it.
It was the final straw. The final shred of pain before I gave up on life. 26 years of pain and I only had a handful of weeks of happiness. So many things in my life had gone wrong but I was willing to move on by his side and I didn't get to do that
 
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Reflection

Reflection

One last hurrah
Sep 12, 2024
251
Is this the only reason you are going to CTB? I know you love him and hurts but he is not worth it.
As much as I don't want to sound preachy or hypocritical since I'm setting to CTB because of someone I loved I think OP should really not do i and instead explore other options first, because it seems that the main reason is that they've been so starved of love to a point where they started having an unhealthy obsession with this person only because they think he's the only one who'll love them (like thinking that they had to be abused by them to be good enough).
 
redkitsune98

redkitsune98

Broken beyond repair
Sep 2, 2024
181
As much as I don't want to sound preachy or hypocritical since I'm setting to CTB because of someone I loved I think OP should really not do i and instead explore other options first, because it seems that the main reason is that they've been so starved of love to a point where they started having an unhealthy obsession with this person only because they think he's the only one who'll love them (like thinking that they had to be abused by them to be good enough).
I understand your point but the thing is what happened was just one more tragedy on top of many others. My life has been full of pain and this was the one to tip it over. I am at peace with my choice
 
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Reflection

Reflection

One last hurrah
Sep 12, 2024
251
I understand your point but the thing is what happened was just one more tragedy on top of many others. My life has been full of pain and this was the one to tip it over. I am at peace with my choice
Well I hope we all find our peace, however that may be.
 
Coringa

Coringa

Member
Mar 19, 2024
62
Red, eu ia escrever pra vc no outro tópico, mas agora vi q vc fez um detalhando um pouco mais a sua relação. Veja, eu concordo com o q foi dito aqui por Reflection e Samoyedlover, e também acho q vc não deveria CTB por causa disso. Aparentemente vcs tiveram e idealizaram um amor q sequer começou de forma real. Além disso, ele se mostra ser uma pessoa imatura, pois não sabe se quer ou não ter de fato um relacionamento. Penso ainda q vc ao revelar seu lado mais "sombrio" a ele pode ter o assustado e afastado um pouco, e ele quer q vc se cure, procure ajuda, até para q vc se sinta como uma pessoa melhor e então sim procure um outro relacionamento ou até mesmo q vcs voltem. Ele pode querer ver q vc está evoluindo e ai sim, vc estando bem consigo mesmo, ai pode rolar um relacionamento. Num relacionamento é fundamental q as duas pessoas estejam bem e querendo, não adianta apenas um amar, isso não funciona e não dá certo. E digo mais, o mundo dá voltas e não pense q ele é a única pessoa neste mundo q é perfeita pra vc (li onde vc falou sobre não querer um 2º lugar); provavelmente existem mais pessoas aí fora, pode demorar um pouco, mas todo mundo encontra alguém algum dia nessa vida. Espero q vc consiga se curar e tenho certeza de q ainda vai conhecer alguém q realmente valha a pena, pois este Bruno aí eu descartaria. CTB é a última coisa, é o último recurso q vc deve tentar, pois depois de realizado não há como voltar atrás. Enquanto vc estiver vivo certamente poderá alterar o rumo das coisas.
 
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redkitsune98

redkitsune98

Broken beyond repair
Sep 2, 2024
181
Red, eu ia escrever pra vc no outro tópico, mas agora vi q vc fez um detalhando um pouco mais a sua relação. Veja, eu concordo com o q foi dito aqui por Reflection e Samoyedlover, e também acho q vc não deveria CTB por causa disso. Aparentemente vcs tiveram e idealizaram um amor q sequer começou de forma real. Além disso, ele se mostra ser uma pessoa imatura, pois não sabe se quer ou não ter de fato um relacionamento. Penso ainda q vc ao revelar seu lado mais "sombrio" a ele pode ter o assustado e afastado um pouco, e ele quer q vc se cure, procure ajuda, até para q vc se sinta como uma pessoa melhor e então sim procure um outro relacionamento ou até mesmo q vcs voltem. Ele pode querer ver q vc está evoluindo e ai sim, vc estando bem consigo mesmo, ai pode rolar um relacionamento. Num relacionamento é fundamental q as duas pessoas estejam bem e querendo, não adianta apenas um amar, isso não funciona e não dá certo. E digo mais, o mundo dá voltas e não pense q ele é a única pessoa neste mundo q é perfeita pra vc (li onde vc falou sobre não querer um 2º lugar); provavelmente existem mais pessoas aí fora, pode demorar um pouco, mas todo mundo encontra alguém algum dia nessa vida. Espero q vc consiga se curar e tenho certeza de q ainda vai conhecer alguém q realmente valha a pena, pois este Bruno aí eu descartaria. CTB é a última coisa, é o último recurso q vc deve tentar, pois depois de realizado não há como voltar atrás. Enquanto vc estiver vivo certamente poderá alterar o rumo das coisas.
eu entendo o que voce quer dizer e sinceramente voce estaria certo se o meu problema fosse apenas esse relacionamento. mas eu ja vinha caminhando há anos na beirada do penhasco e o bruno foi só quem me empurrou pra eu terminar de cair. ele é maravilhoso, mas os problemas da vida dele fizeram ele fazer isso. eu estou bem em paz com a minha decisão
 
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Coringa

Coringa

Member
Mar 19, 2024
62
eu entendo o que voce quer dizer e sinceramente voce estaria certo se o meu problema fosse apenas esse relacionamento. mas eu ja vinha caminhando há anos na beirada do penhasco e o bruno foi só quem me empurrou pra eu terminar de cair. ele é maravilhoso, mas os problemas da vida dele fizeram ele fazer isso. eu estou bem em paz com a minha decisão

Espero sinceramente que vc fique bem e encontre a paz, independente da decisão q tomar.
 
redkitsune98

redkitsune98

Broken beyond repair
Sep 2, 2024
181
Espero sinceramente que vc fique bem e encontre a paz, independente da decisão q tomar.
obrigado, eu vou encontrar minha paz sim. eu creio muito firmemente numa vida após a morte e eu sei que lá eu terei a chance de começar do zero
 
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