Im honest and I sincerely hope I am not offending anyone: I selfharmed because I like the rush of energy it caused. It was something I had control over. I liked to see my body getting destroyed.
Why would this offend anyone, my friend?
It's no-one's business
why you did it. And anyway, your reasons sound no less valid than anyone else's I've seen.
I don't SH, but I'm understanding that those who do, do it for their own reasons. No-one has the right to criticise; especially if they
don't do it themselves & cannot therefore understand the need others have.
It briefly distracts from the howling anguish in my mind. I'll knock my head on a brick wall until I'm dazed
I'll scrape the skin off my arms with my nails.
I'll pull my toenails out.
I'll slice my arms and thighs up with a razor.
Briefly, very briefly the pain will supersede the anguish and stop me from screaming, until the next time I look into myself, at the failures and the loss of one I consider my daughter.
Wash
Rinse
Repeat.
You are in a lot of pain, my friend. I wish I'd the ability to remove it for you.
I want to say to be kind to yourself. But I also know the emptiness of such a trite, throwaway statement. And also, how it's just not possible for some people - myself included.
I did a lot of cutting and also burning my skin with fire or burning cigarettes. After a while I thought I needed something stronger, so I got into the SM scene. I am not going into the gory details, but you can believe me I took some serious hits....imagine being thrashed with a whip for an hour until blood flows all over your back.....you have to clench your teeth and sometimes it was so painful I lost consciousness. But the feeling afterwards was....WOW ! Better than any drug you could ever take. And it would give me a couple of days of peace of mind, my head would be so empty because it was just concentrating on the actual physical pain, that occupied it. Now I cannot do it any longer unfortunately, I moved somewhere else and have no "partners" here. Actually, what I wanted to say is that the only other place where there is such love, compassion, and genuine interest between people who do not really know each other as I have found here on this SS forum is the SM scene. You need a lot of mutual trust, understanding and compassion to do painful things to each other, especially when there is no sexual element involved. It sounds bizarre but trust me it's true.
Aha. I knew there'd be someone who would forge the link between cutting & (BD)SM.
I'm more into straight CP myself, but obviously have crossed paths with those who lean towards BDSM.
And yes, it's hard explaining to vanillas that it's NOT about sex. Most just don't get it.
Gotta say, though, that I've not (knowingly) met anyone on the scene who's also felt the need to cut.