Venting why do people dislike me so much

[rxcha]

been depressed for a long time now and usually i just wallow when im alone and distract myself with whatever i can find but that hasn't been an option really. lost all the few friends i had seemingly for no reason, don't have much left. i knew they didn't like me THAT much but didn't know it was enough to just leave me like this. don't really have anything left to distract myself with. I try to be positive like therapists and people say but it feels like i'm pretending. my legs are heavy and everything I do feels like i'm really just dead walking. what gets me the most is how alone i am. im constantly looking for a reason why but i just don't get it. ok i was a weird kid i understand, grew up and was still a little off putting but whatever. grew up some more into as normal of a person as i could, attractive enough that girls walk up to me and i get a solid amount of likes on dating apps, but none of them can muster talking to me for more then a week maybe a week and a half. i don't even want anything with them, i just want friends. its odd to harp on and on about how good looking i am especially on a place like this but am i just that fucking weird? it's like they can sense how desperate i am just from texting me. and it's not like people or girls especially owe me anything but it's sadder to me to know that if it's not forced people really want nothing to do with me. they don't like my interests, and they dislike my personality enough so that they wouldn't choose me over any inconvenience to their life. and it's people i thought would be friends with me a lifetime, and they leave me just because they get tired of me. if im too much just tell me that and explain to me how to be better instead of disappearing with no explanation. back when i was friends with these people i would still have to beg for them to go out with me, beg someone would play something with me, beg they would watch something with me. not because i enjoyed any of those things but because i was so lacking in social interaction. it's been months and i haven't spoken to anyone irl for over 20 minutes, even at my job as a cashier. as i write this im remembering something that happened when i was in like 5th grade, back then i used to play video games all day, like 12 hours daily, by myself. i begged my sister everyday to play something with me but she would never because she didn't and still doesn't like me. my mom didn't like me enough to stop yelling all day. my dad was never home and was really ignorant. i remember one time i told my dad something i saw online, that some people play games as an escape mechanism, and i told him sometimes i feel that way. his response was to ask me what i have to escape from. my reality is grim, it always has been, and it feels it always will be.
nowadays my escape mechanism has been exotic animals for years and it's partly because they fill in the loneliness i have and partly because i hope they escape and put me out, i pray they do. they're animals that don't love me but i know they appreciate me, and i know they like me. and as much as i can pretend that's enough for me. it'll never be enough. i've been yearning for a close human connection so badly even though i've never had a true one. i've tried so hard to be normal, most people say im funny at first, they get along with me, they tell me we should go out again, but then they get tired of me, they leave, and i'm alone again. can't keep pretending i can keep this up sustainably, and i pray someone will come out at me and take me out as violently as possible to spare me from this any more

 

[valar_morghulis21]

I'm right there with you, but I already overcome the desire of wanting friends and companionships. After lots of backstabbing and people just use and discard me, I realize that if they don't like you, it's more of a reflection on them. No matter how amazing and interesting you are, if they only want to hangout with their kindergarten friends, or they simply don't have the capacity for more relationships, then there's nothing you could do about it. I guess living a life like me is not healthy and sustainable in a long term, but it brings me peace for now. So just go with the flow and I wish you the best, and not let anyone make you doubt yourself just for a second.

 

[rxcha]

I'm right there with you, but I already overcome the desire of wanting friends and companionships. After lots of backstabbing and people just use and discard me, I realize that if they don't like you, it's more of a reflection on them. No matter how amazing and interesting you are, if they only want to hangout with their kindergarten friends, or they simply don't have the capacity for more relationships, then there's nothing you could do about it. I guess living a life like me is not healthy and sustainable in a long term, but it brings me peace for now. So just go with the flow and I wish you the best, and not let anyone make you doubt yourself just for a second.

tried a long time ago to just try being on my own and that was my second lowest point, (first being right now) which was ended by my former friends. you mentioned kindergarten friends and i had known those people for about 4 years, i thought that was enough to form as close as bond as one could but guess i was wrong. regardless i can't keep acting like i can keep going on my own im too sociable a person even if no one knows that.

 

[ariewist]

This happened to me too recently. My family kind of abandoned me after finally being unable to deal with my bullshit as I was a shut in and spent time at the hospital for my mental and physical conditions. I am the older brother so I'm supposed to be looked at as an idol for my siblings, tried to cater to my mother and narcissistic father thinking I'd feel any love, but the emptier and emptier I've gotten. Eventually I finally crashed when my ex committed suicide which I still blame myself.

HOWEVER, one thing that helped for me is pursuing goals I was scared to pursue even though it's my interest rather it be successful, hard to be in or not, would give me a semblance of growth, even though I have a lot of haters telling me to follow a monotonous path. Society is in at a very selfish sphere right now, and I wish I can battle this and atleast give 1% of an affect to promote empathy and quell the noise of stigmatizing many of us that struggle. Lofty goal I know, I might end up dead before I do anything but alas I wanna do things my way than adhere and let the other noise get in the way.

If people don't fuck with you, my trick is I just view them as npcs and phase them out. For me also, customizing and dressing the way I want to regardless of the stigma, helped build my identity and made me comfortable in my own skin. Doesn't mean I still struggle with self hate, but I hope the more I push through I can break out of it. I just have to stay consistent despite the claws dragging me back to give up.

Sorry for the long winded rant, but the point I'm making is be your unabashed self and first you'll meet a ton of relationships, friendships, people who judge and try to influence your desire by taking advantage of you. I assure you though, express yourself and build your bubble, you'll start meeting people you'd never have expected to experience in your life. Take it step by day, no rush but exposure therapy for me slowly, slowly, helped me build a little more confidence than I had years ago.

 

[rxcha]

i do spend all my money on animals and make decent money on the side selling plants and fish so there's that. i've always been sort of myself, i have some facial piercings and i dress how i like but that's more recent so i doubt that's affecting how people see me. my confidence in speaking to people has tanked lately since i don't really talk to people and when i do it's just rude customers. it feels weird because i used to kind of be outgoing, people i didn't know wouldn't be my friends but i could converse with them kinda. don't really have that anymore. thank you for the nice comment though im gonna try be more outgoing with strangers i guess lmfao

 

[ipmanwc0]

I'm right there with you, but I already overcome the desire of wanting friends and companionships. After lots of backstabbing and people just use and discard me, I realize that if they don't like you, it's more of a reflection on them. No matter how amazing and interesting you are, if they only want to hangout with their kindergarten friends, or they simply don't have the capacity for more relationships, then there's nothing you could do about it. I guess living a life like me is not healthy and sustainable in a long term, but it brings me peace for now. So just go with the flow and I wish you the best, and not let anyone make you doubt yourself just for a second.

I'm glad you realize it's unsustainable, it's impossible to overcome the desire for companionship. That's one of the most important human needs and you either fulfill it or suppress it. As tempting as it is to just turn away from people in bitterness as I have it doesn't work. I also have had people avoid me, though I tried to be like everyone else, I just couldn't and so I betrayed myself with no gain. I think people habitually reject different. I think I have to find friends in the autism community