Help Why do I only keep emotions only for abusive men?

[obei]

So Ive been in a few relationships, 2 of them being with normal, really nice guys and 1 with a mentally unstable abusive guy I met in a psych ward.
I have this problem that when I get into relationships my attraction to them just dissapears and their attention means nothing to me, but the only time when It didnt happend is with the abusive guy.
Just to clear one thing, my now dad is amazing and has never been abusive, but I have been bullied from ages. 6-12 and was abandoned by my birth mother at birth, and didnt recieve love in an orphanage for the first 11 months until I got adopted by amazing people.
How the hell can I even fix this? Its not like I dont appreciate the nice guys but Its my emotions that are fcked up.

 

[botanormal]

Firstly, it's totally valid to be feeling that way, and it's not your fault for who you're attracted to. Sometimes, when we go through painful or traumatic experiences, it can change the way we seek validation or experience love with others. I know I often find myself in relationships with abusive guys, not because I want to be abused, but because my mind is more susceptible to abuse because of my past. It takes time to get out of these types of cycles sadly, but it's totally not impossible! Maybe those 'nicer' guys weren't really your type in the long run regardless, or maybe you weren't ready for that kind of relationship? Abusive people also have a tendency to be quite manipulative, and it can be really hard to stop giving attention to that when they kind of trick you into giving it. Either way, I really hope that you don't fall into any more abusive relationships. You deserve much more than that, and I genuinely hope you find what you're looking for without having to endure any toxicity from your future partner.

 

[Blue Elephant]

Ladies, beating around the bush, pretending that what's in front of you doesn't exist and lying to each-other will not change your situation! Many (if not all of you) do this most (if not all) of the time. I'm going to be blunt and you're going to hate me but never be said that you were not shown the truth. Who you are attracted to is totally your fault! Who you are in a relationship with is totally your fault! It is your choice if you want to be part of that relationship or not, unless it's rape, where one person forces themselves on another person, but then that is not a relationship. It is your choice if when you are asked out you say yes or no.

Why do you do this, why do you choose these men!? Because you like to be surprised, because you like the new, the danger, the adventure etc etc. and this is what these men offer, this is how they fish you and keep you hooked. Quiet guys don't these things very often, usually you won't even know they exist, you will walk by them on the street and it will be like nothing happened. If somehow you manage to see and date one of them they will only walk with you on the beach, they will only tell you stories, they will only cook with you and sometimes they might not even want to fuck but instead just fall asleep with their arms around you at night .. which at some point becomes boring as fuck from your point of view. Last (but not least) the quiet guys will love and be honest with you. Who wants these things!?

But don't listen to me, wtf do I know!? I'm obviously wrong and you're obviously right! Keep living the way you lived until now, keep offering fake support saying that it's not you, it's him! You're doing a great job keeping this cycle alive!

 

[obei]

Ladies, beating around the bush, pretending that what's in front of you doesn't exist and lying to each-other will not change your situation! Many (if not all of you) do this most (if not all) of the time. I'm going to be blunt and you're going to hate me but never be said that you were not shown the truth. Who you are attracted to is totally your fault! Who you are in a relationship with is totally your fault! It is your choice if you want to be part of that relationship or not, unless it's rape, where one person forces themselves on another person, but then that is not a relationship. It is your choice if when you are asked out you say yes or no.

Why do you do this, why do you choose these men!? Because you like to be surprised, because you like the new, the danger, the adventure etc etc. and this is what these men offer, this is how they fish you and keep you hooked. Quiet guys don't these things very often, usually you won't even know they exist, you will walk by them on the street and it will be like nothing happened. If somehow you manage to see and date one of them they will only walk with you on the beach, they will only tell you stories, they will only cook with you and sometimes they might not even want to fuck but instead just fall asleep with their arms around you at night .. which at some point becomes boring as fuck from your point of view. Last (but not least) the quiet guys will love and be honest with you. Who wants these things!?

But don't listen to me, wtf do I know!? I'm obviously wrong and you're obviously right! Keep living the way you lived until now, keep offering fake support saying that it's not you, it's him! You're doing a great job keeping this cycle alive!

Tf? You know that trauma can make you feel secure around abusive people? You seem like an incel ngl

 

[Blue Elephant]

Tf? You know that trauma can make you feel secure around abusive people? You seem like an incel ngl

As I said:

Many (if not all of you) do this most (if not all) of the time.

Do most (if not all) women suffer from trauma!? I think not!

As for those who suffer from trauma, I'm not questiong that but I have to ask: can you not learn from your mistakes!?

 

[obei]

As I said:

Do most (if not all) women suffer from trauma!? I think not!

As for those who suffer from trauma, I'm not questiong that but I have to ask: can you not learn from your mistakes!?

Well a lot of them do. There are a lot of undiagnosed people out there, that dont even know they have problem. Dont assume what someone is going through!! Just cause some girl doesnt like you doesnt mean they are the problem uk? Maybe you are.
And trauma isnt about learning from mistakes, its about (in these cases) suffering emotionally so much you get used to it and being with a "nice" guy isnt secure enough cause youre not used to it.

 

[Blue Elephant]

Dont assume what someone is going through!! Just cause some girl doesnt like you doesnt mean they are the problem uk? Maybe you are.

Maybe I am? What was that about not assuming what one is going through?

And trauma isnt about learning from mistakes, its about (in these cases) suffering emotionally so much you get used to it and being with a "nice" guy isnt secure enough cause youre not used to it.

Why did you write "nice" like that? Why did you use ""? How does your mind see a nice guy? How do you define them?

Secure? Of course, I forgot you only care about money and power. Love is such a quaint principle.

 

[obei]

Maybe I am? What was that about not assuming what one is going through?


Why did you write "nice" like that? Why did you use ""? How does your mind see a nice guy? How do you define them?

Secure? Of course, I forgot you only care about money and power. Love is such a quaint principle.

Bro fix your own issues with women before commenting on posts like this one

 

[botanormal]

Ladies, beating around the bush, pretending that what's in front of you doesn't exist and lying to each-other will not change your situation! Many (if not all of you) do this most (if not all) of the time. I'm going to be blunt and you're going to hate me but never be said that you were not shown the truth. Who you are attracted to is totally your fault! Who you are in a relationship with is totally your fault! It is your choice if you want to be part of that relationship or not, unless it's rape, where one person forces themselves on another person, but then that is not a relationship. It is your choice if when you are asked out you say yes or no.

Why do you do this, why do you choose these men!? Because you like to be surprised, because you like the new, the danger, the adventure etc etc. and this is what these men offer, this is how they fish you and keep you hooked. Quiet guys don't these things very often, usually you won't even know they exist, you will walk by them on the street and it will be like nothing happened. If somehow you manage to see and date one of them they will only walk with you on the beach, they will only tell you stories, they will only cook with you and sometimes they might not even want to fuck but instead just fall asleep with their arms around you at night .. which at some point becomes boring as fuck from your point of view. Last (but not least) the quiet guys will love and be honest with you. Who wants these things!?

But don't listen to me, wtf do I know!? I'm obviously wrong and you're obviously right! Keep living the way you lived until now, keep offering fake support saying that it's not you, it's him! You're doing a great job keeping this cycle alive!

Actually, this isn't true. There have been studied & observed so many psychological reasons as to why a woman would decide to be with an abusive man. If you've endured trauma, especially during childhood, your brain is already being conditioned into responding in a certain way to these abusive situations. It is proven in psychology as trauma responses, and a lot of women will not even realise they're going through it. Not to mention, toxic & abusive men have all the toolbelt to manipulate women into their arms. Gaslighting, manipulation, and all sorts of other abusive traits which will persuade a woman to stay with them. It's so much harder to just walk away than it'd seem from the outside, which is why you really can't judge any type of situation without being in it yourself.

And what you're saying about a 'quiet guy' is just not true. My ex boyfriend who abused me was a 'quiet guy' from the outside, but he took so many of his insecurities out on me, leading it to become toxic. My ex who hit me used to take me on walks to the beach, cuddle me at night, show me plenty of love, but he also would berate me, hit me, and make me feel horrible. Those are not mutually exclusive.

I think you should do some more research, and look into perspectives other than your own. This mindset is not only wrong, but it is harmful.

 

[obei]

Actually, this isn't true. There have been studied & observed so many psychological reasons as to why a woman would decide to be with an abusive man. If you've endured trauma, especially during childhood, your brain is already being conditioned into responding in a certain way to these abusive situations. It is proven in psychology as trauma responses, and a lot of women will not even realise they're going through it. Not to mention, toxic & abusive men have all the toolbelt to manipulate women into their arms. Gaslighting, manipulation, and all sorts of other abusive traits which will persuade a woman to stay with them. It's so much harder to just walk away than it'd seem from the outside, which is why you really can't judge any type of situation without being in it yourself.

And what you're saying about a 'quiet guy' is just not true. My ex boyfriend who abused me was a 'quiet guy' from the outside, but he took so many of his insecurities out on me, leading it to become toxic. My ex who hit me used to take me on walks to the beach, cuddle me at night, show me plenty of love, but he also would berate me, hit me, and make me feel horrible. Those are not mutually exclusive.

I think you should do some more research, and look into perspectives other than your own. This mindset is not only wrong, but it is harmful.

Thank you for thissss. I really feel understood

 

[Blue Elephant]

Yup, I see that you girls are nailing it! Keep at it!

 

[obei]

Yup, I see that you girls are nailing it! Keep at it!

Bro read her reply instead of just thinking of yourself and your huge ass ego

 

[ForsakenDial]

Ladies, beating around the bush, pretending that what's in front of you doesn't exist and lying to each-other will not change your situation! Many (if not all of you) do this most (if not all) of the time. I'm going to be blunt and you're going to hate me but never be said that you were not shown the truth. Who you are attracted to is totally your fault! Who you are in a relationship with is totally your fault! It is your choice if you want to be part of that relationship or not, unless it's rape, where one person forces themselves on another person, but then that is not a relationship. It is your choice if when you are asked out you say yes or no.

Why do you do this, why do you choose these men!? Because you like to be surprised, because you like the new, the danger, the adventure etc etc. and this is what these men offer, this is how they fish you and keep you hooked. Quiet guys don't these things very often, usually you won't even know they exist, you will walk by them on the street and it will be like nothing happened. If somehow you manage to see and date one of them they will only walk with you on the beach, they will only tell you stories, they will only cook with you and sometimes they might not even want to fuck but instead just fall asleep with their arms around you at night .. which at some point becomes boring as fuck from your point of view. Last (but not least) the quiet guys will love and be honest with you. Who wants these things!?

But don't listen to me, wtf do I know!? I'm obviously wrong and you're obviously right! Keep living the way you lived until now, keep offering fake support saying that it's not you, it's him! You're doing a great job keeping this cycle alive!

You're making a lot of false statements about the opposite sex. And even as others used evidence from research to debunk this worldview, you respond with:

Yup, I see that you girls are nailing it! Keep at it!

With hundred of studies proving how easy it is to fall into a cycle of abuse for both genders, you deny it. Your only rebuttal amounts to "all woman don't like nice guys". This immediately tells others there is some pain you faced. That is if we do not assume innately negative and evil things from you.

Perhaps you came across a woman who abused you. If so, you can relate to OP. You believe you are learning from your mistakes by pushing all woman out of your life. And even as going as far as to attack them and blame them from their suffering, like others may of done to you.

Keep living the way you lived until now, keep offering fake support saying that it's not you, it's him! You're doing a great job keeping this cycle alive!

You are doing this yourself. You are stating women as a whole care exclusively about money and power. That its not "nice guys" at fault for being attracted to a specific type of woman with these abusive traits. That it must be all woman. Because if it isn't all woman, that would mean these men are attracted to specific types of bad woman and it'll be their fault.

It can be said back to you:

Keep living the way you lived until now, keep offering fake support saying that it's not you, it's her! You're doing a great job keeping this cycle alive!

But, it isn't neither men or women at fault. Its the abusive people of both sexes that victimizes everyone. They use honeyed words, and when you begin to love them they hurt you. They know your emotional attachment will keep you there. Because you loved the person who did those things you mentioned, not the man/woman the really are.

(Nice guys are placed into quotations because most nice guys are not as you describe them. They are just like the people OP is talking about. They hide behind being nice for a short time, and then begin the same abusive behaviors. These abusive men are the nice guys. That is how they get a woman to fall for them.)


No one should ever be blamed for being victimized and abused by someone else. Not the person you blamed in this thread. Not woman as a whole. Not men as a whole. Not even you. We are all on this forum together. We all been brought to a point where we have/are considering ending it all from the suffering we been through.

You should apologize to OP. We see many post from men suffering on this forum stating identical things to OP. They recieve support, and advice. No one would treat you how you treated OP here. You shouldn't treat others in such a manner.

 

[sserafim]

I only keep emotions for unavailable men (like my crush)

 

[whiteclaudia]

seconding botanormal. i'd also look into learned helplessness. pavlov's dogs didn't run even when their cages were opened.

it's not your fault.

 

[SexyIncél]

In what way is he abusive, if you feel comfortable enough to say?

This is a well-known phenomenon. Basically the difference between bluepill vs redpill. Casey Zander talks about it often. Guys don't have to be abusive, but generally shouldn't be "nice". To help a gal enjoy pleasure & desire, it's important to understand the difference between nice vs kind

Certainly, in my relationships, I take it for granted that 60% of women are like this. It works. Maybe it's rooted in pervasive sadomasochism

For those ideologically unable to listen to redpillers, feminists like bell hooks have observed similar too:

In the early years of our relationship he was extremely critical of male domination of women and children. Although he did not use the word "patriarchy," he understood its meaning and he opposed it. His gentle, quiet manner often led folks to ignore him, counting him among the weak and the powerless. By the age of thirty he began to assume a more macho persona, embracing the dominator model that he had once critiqued. Donning the mantle of patriarch, he gained greater respect and visibility. More women were drawn to him. He was noticed more in public spheres. His criticism of male domination ceased. And indeed he begin to mouth patriarchal rhetoric, saying the kind of sexist stuff that would have appalled him in the past.

...

Once the "new man" that is the man changed by feminism was represented as a wimp, as overcooked broccoli dominated by powerful females who were secretly longing for his macho counterpart, masses of men lost interest. Reacting to this inversion of gender roles, men who were sympathetic chose to stop trying to play a role in female-led feminist movement and became involved with the men's movement. Positively, the men's movement emphasized the need for men to get in touch with their feelings, to talk with other men. Negatively, the men's movement continued to promote patriarchy by a tacit insistence that in order to be fully self-actualized, men needed to separate from women.

...

Most women do not want to deal with male pain if it interferes with the satisfaction of female desire. [...] When I was in my twenties, I would go to couples therapy, and my partner of more than ten years would explain how I asked him to talk about his feelings and when he did, I would freak out. He was right. It was hard for me to face that I did not want to hear about his feelings when they were painful or negative, that I did not want my image of the strong man truly challenged by learning of his weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Here I was, an enlightened feminist woman who did not want to hear my man speak his pain because it revealed his emotional vulnerability. It stands to reason, then, that the masses of women committed to the sexist principle that men who express their feelings are weak really do not want to hear men speak, especially if what they say is that they hurt, that they feel unloved.

— bell hooks, "The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity & Love"

Yup, I see that you girls are nailing it! Keep at it!

Any truth you might have, is lost in how you deliver your message. Important to have the mindset of helping OPs

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Since when can someone do anything about who they are attracted to?
If that was the case, wouldn't people who struggle with their sexuality or as you @Blue Elephant are saying don't fall for someone who isn't good for them?

Tell me, where did you get this knowledge? I want to read it.

Besides that, I really don't care about the tone you are talking about women. Sounds to me like you have been rejected, and yes that fucking sucks. But don't you think we females get rejected as well? That doesn't mean every male is like you described females.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Ladies, beating around the bush, pretending that what's in front of you doesn't exist and lying to each-other will not change your situation! Many (if not all of you) do this most (if not all) of the time. I'm going to be blunt and you're going to hate me but never be said that you were not shown the truth. Who you are attracted to is totally your fault! Who you are in a relationship with is totally your fault! It is your choice if you want to be part of that relationship or not, unless it's rape, where one person forces themselves on another person, but then that is not a relationship. It is your choice if when you are asked out you say yes or no.

Why do you do this, why do you choose these men!? Because you like to be surprised, because you like the new, the danger, the adventure etc etc. and this is what these men offer, this is how they fish you and keep you hooked. Quiet guys don't these things very often, usually you won't even know they exist, you will walk by them on the street and it will be like nothing happened. If somehow you manage to see and date one of them they will only walk with you on the beach, they will only tell you stories, they will only cook with you and sometimes they might not even want to fuck but instead just fall asleep with their arms around you at night .. which at some point becomes boring as fuck from your point of view. Last (but not least) the quiet guys will love and be honest with you. Who wants these things!?

But don't listen to me, wtf do I know!? I'm obviously wrong and you're obviously right! Keep living the way you lived until now, keep offering fake support saying that it's not you, it's him! You're doing a great job keeping this cycle alive!

You do realize that most cases of women (and men) who end up in abusive relationships are those who were abused, neglected, and traumatized growing up, right? People seek abusive relationships because they feel familiar to how they were treated growing up. Along with that, trauma and mental illness can make you very vulnerable to being targeted by abusers and taken adventage of.

Your post is just digusting and reeks of ignorance. This type of mentally is why so many abuse victims have a hard time with opening up about their experiences. Imagine going onto a suicide forum of all places, a place where a large amount of the userbase has been in or are currently in abusive and toxic relationships, and victim-blaming them for their sitaution. Why the fuck did you even post this shit?

This type of post reeks of "I'm a nice guy but girls only want bad boys" energy. Hate to break it to you, but guys who are actually nice don't post bs like this.

 

[obei]

In what way is he abusive, if you feel comfortable enough to say?

This is a well-known phenomenon. Basically the difference between bluepill vs redpill. Casey Zander talks about it often. Guys don't have to be abusive, but generally shouldn't be "nice". To help a gal enjoy pleasure & desire, it's important to understand the difference between nice vs kind

Certainly, in my relationships, I take it for granted that 60% of women are like this. It works. Maybe it's rooted in pervasive sadomasochism

For those ideologically unable to listen to redpillers, feminists like bell hooks have observed similar too:



Any truth you might have, is lost in how you deliver your message. Important to have the mindset of helping OPs

So ill tell you one situation that I tell every time someone asks me.
So that guy that was abusive was in a hospital, and had some shit connected to his arthery in a hand, and he can basically put it out and bleed to death if he wants to.
I was telling him I felt bad and like I wanted to hurt myself, and he said "if you cut, ill put this thing out of my hand and bleed to death". It may sound like he loves me so much he would die if I do something to himself, but since he is unstable as well we (mostly him) always would compete about who is worse, and if I feel bad he must say that he is doing worse than me.

 

[SexyIncél]

So ill tell you one situation that I tell every time someone asks me.
So that guy that was abusive was in a hospital, and had some shit connected to his arthery in a hand, and he can basically put it out and bleed to death if he wants to.
I was telling him I felt bad and like I wanted to hurt myself, and he said "if you cut, ill put this thing out of my hand and bleed to death". It may sound like he loves me so much he would die if I do something to himself, but since he is unstable as well we (mostly him) always would compete about who is worse, and if I feel bad he must say that he is doing worse than me.

One applicable theory is that women typically need emotional conflict. The worst sin: bore her. "Women are natural builders and nurturers of the internal world of emotion. Here is why men who are 'too perfect' get very boring very quick to women..."

Of course, if Mr Conflict isn't strategic about it, the relationship likely won't endure. As his gal comes to see him as a child — unable to support them both. He has "frontend game" spark — fast-burn attraction & emotion — but couldn't channel it to light the deeper bluepill logs of "backend game". Like financial stability/freedom. A full-stack bf must do it all

Leaving women to gasp at their self-destructive tendencies. And Mr Nice Guy to act resentful & humiliated — having changed his personality to adapt to a woman so much, he became a shell of himself. May explain some of the dynamics on this thread...

---

Does this sound unfair to guys, who are doing the heavy lifting here? Well, gals have a limited window of attractiveness — harder to try 'n toss guys after 30

And each guy they go through makes it harder to secure enduring relationships with the uncommon full-stack man who has his shit together & puts her in heat. Because those guys have enough optionality to be very choosy about their main girl; and they have a strong bias against gals with a long relationship CV

 

[obei]

One applicable theory is that women typically need emotional conflict. The worst sin: bore her. "Women are natural builders and nurturers of the internal world of emotion. Here is why men who are 'too perfect' get very boring very quick to women..."

Of course, if Mr Conflict isn't strategic about it, the relationship likely won't endure. As his gal comes to see him as a child — unable to support them both. He has "frontend game" spark — fast-burn attraction & emotion — but couldn't channel it to light the deeper bluepill logs of "backend game". Like financial stability/freedom. A full-stack bf must do it all

Leaving women to gasp at their self-destructive tendencies. And Mr Nice Guy to act resentful & humiliated — having changed his personality to adapt to a woman so much, he became a shell of himself. May explain some of the dynamics on this thread...

---

Does this sound unfair to guys, who are doing the heavy lifting here? Well, gals have a limited window of attractiveness — harder to try 'n toss guys after 30

And each guy they go through makes it harder to secure enduring relationships with the uncommon full-stack man who has his shit together & puts her in heat. Because those guys have enough optionality to be very choosy about their main girl; and they have a strong bias against gals with a long relationship CV

Guys arent usually "nice guys" tho. Like the guy that reply on this thread, they tend to be insecure af and can be boring to talk to. I dont believe in "nice guys" as well. if theyre nice and all that and it is all that is going on for them, with no personality then theyre kinda boring to talk to.
Im not talking they should be abusive, just for me when cuddling and kissing is all there is in a relationship I dont want any part of it. I want to be best friends and to have fun before having sex and being partners.
So no, I dont think I am being unfair, especially to the "nice guy" in the replies.

 

[SexyIncél]

I'm not centering on him. Women indeed have good reason to avoid "nice guys", correctly observing their agenda. By no means do I portray myself as a nice guy. Nice guys fail to fight for what they supposedly believe in

Nor do I think you want "abusive guys"—I pointed out they lack "backend game" and thus fail to sustain enduring relationships past the initial spark