Venting Why do I continue trying to connect with people to my own detriment?

[Rounded Apathy]

I'm mainly posting this about a housemate, but it is something I have noticed a pattern of in myself. I have this deep need to connect with people - share, learn from, interact, whatever - and this is my default behaviour. But when people don't reciprocate, it hurts. Even worse when they behave negatively despite my way of interacting with them. This one housemate I'm always asking about, offering random food, drinks, advice about health and diet stuff - some of these when asked for...and I basically never get anything of the like in return. Usually it's just no interaction, or being told some behaviour of mine (like briefly altering the thermostat by a single degree) isn't acceptable (according to only this one person, not a consensus).

When on a day like today it's the first thing that occurs between us it makes me feeling like fucking shit, but the pattern continues. Me continuing to be the way I described, and them the same. As much as I would hope the other party's behaviour would change I'm not delusional - why would you stop being cold or standoffish and still get the benefits from a nice person? But I'm confused and irritated with myself. Why don't I just start acting the same way? Why the fuck am I being nice to this person who isn't giving me anything back, expect for intermittent jerky attitude? Is it because I'm so fucking isolated outside, and even inside, my living space? Am I just a fucking idiot?

I fucking hate this part of myself.

 

[hamvil]

I share you feeling. I also long for connection with other people. In the past I tried to get close to others, proposed myself to have drinks together or other stuff. However almost never I was invited to anything.

I used to text many people, for saying also, for holidays, etc. but I never I got a text from anybody that was not initiated by me.

Some people are just assholes and they do not want to reciprocate. Maybe we are just not interesting persons. I eventually got to this conclusion. Would love even just an hello from a random person.

 

[Al0neAlwayz]

I share you feeling. I also long for connection with other people. In the past I tried to get close to others, proposed myself to have drinks together or other stuff. However almost never I was invited to anything.

I used to text many people, for saying also, for holidays, etc. but I never I got a text from anybody that was not initiated by me.

Some people are just assholes and they do not want to reciprocate. Maybe we are just not interesting persons. I eventually got to this conclusion. Would love even just an hello from a random person.

Hello

 

[hamvil]

Hello

LOL thanks

 

[Cathy Ames]

Would love even just an hello from a random person.

Hello

Yeah, I was just coming here to say the same thing... Hello!

 

[Al0neAlwayz]

LOL thanks

YW :) I have the same problem... many times I feel invisible, only responded to out of courtesy or obligation. Many times I wish I actually was invisible...

 

[hamvil]

YW :) I have the same problem... many times I feel invisible, only responded to out of courtesy or obligation. Many times I wish I actually was invisible...

I guess we are not relatable to other people. I never had social skills. Never understood non verbal clues.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I guess we are not relatable to other people. I never had social skills. Never understood non verbal clues.

I don't understand them either. This must be a very common thing, or at least a common trait shared by people on here.

 

[gramenii]

Hello.
First of all I'm sorry you are going through this. I know very well the feeling, because this is the reason that made me have BPD, panic disorder, depression and other things.
I have this urge to connect deeply with people and they often can't handle me and I end up being the hurt one.
I lost my most important person last month because of this.
I understand your pain and your desire to connect. Maybe we see the world too deep for others to understand. Maybe this is just a shallow world and we are not meant to fit in.
Regardless, if you wanna talk about this more I would love to share this experience with someone that is going through the same thing as me. But I don't know how to DM you in any case. So I don't know how we can talk if you want to.

 

[lonelygirl111]

yes this is rlly hurtful. i want to connect with people but 9/10 times am met with cold and standoffish behavior. i think we are too emotionally invested in others even just simple strangers where as most people could give a fuck who talks to them or who likes them. me, im always looking for someone to like me. i think this need to always connect and be nice to people even if they don't reciprocate comes from subconsciously wanting to be liked or accepted. i'm sorry u have a shitty housemate but don't let them change the way you are as a person, nice and kind.

 

[foreverfalling]

I feel you, you are the few people that want to show some humanity to the world. But most of the world is filled with blind robotic psychopaths. The world would be a much better place with people like you, we wouldn't need to be holed up here to discuss taboo subjects, we'd be able to connect with each other freely and directly.

 

[Lost Magic]

I am too old and ugly lol to care about connecting with superficial people anymore. For me, I want to disconnect. It will also make it easier for me to ctb when the time comes. Having said that, I am sorry you are going through this. I do understand that pain.

 

[makethepainstop]

I share you feeling. I also long for connection with other people. In the past I tried to get close to others, proposed myself to have drinks together or other stuff. However almost never I was invited to anything.

I used to text many people, for saying also, for holidays, etc. but I never I got a text from anybody that was not initiated by me.

Some people are just assholes and they do not want to reciprocate. Maybe we are just not interesting persons. I eventually got to this conclusion. Would love even just an hello from a random person.

HELLO! Howdy! Ok, I'm a stranger, does that count? Love and hugs to you.

I don't understand them either. This must be a very common thing, or at least a common trait shared by people on here.

Oh, I can fake it quite nicely. How have you been? Blah blah blah. But the truth is I don't feel like all of those nice warm fuzzies I'm pretending to feel for others.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

Thanks to @hamvil, @gramenii, @lonelygirl111, @foreverfalling and @Lost Magic for the kind words. Some of you seem to get the depth thing, and I am sorry we are all in this same boat, more like identical yet separate boats and tossings messages in bottles to one another.

I don't want to "police" this thread, but I do want it to stay on topic; I guess to be fair I didn't state it explicitly in the original post, but I don't have issues in general relating to people when they are genuine, or reading non-verbal cues, etc. I am extremely personable and have thrived in roles where interpersonal interaction was integral, had a vibrant social life historically, and still do technically have people until quite recently I considered good friends until any number of things have gotten in the way. Mostly the combination of my moving away from them and them "getting busy"; i.e. other things coming up in their life and suddenly they have no time for me even when I tell them I don't want to live.

 

[ever so lonely]

ever since covid i have lived life as a recluse and realised how enjoyable and peaceful it is, my bills i pay online and also get shopping home delivered, took me years to figure out that for the most part *others* were the route cause of my anxiety and depression, it is still there just no as it once was, people are overrated buds and if they can shit on you to get ahead then in my experience at least they will, of course there will be those that poo poo MY experiences and invalidate me, it is for that reason that i opted out of society and went my own way, it also helps if your no reliant on society, i am sat on benefits in the uk, and oddly am better off than i was in a 9-5 most of my money went on getting to and from ie travel expenses, i would say i am less stressed and less anxious too, plus you dont have to deal with people on the daily, i am just waiting to die quietly now, either by my own hand or of old age or illness etc, something i live by when it comes to people is want nothing expect nothing.

I am too old and ugly lol to care about connecting with superficial people anymore. For me, I want to disconnect. It will also make it easier for me to ctb when the time comes. Having said that, I am sorry you are going through this. I do understand that pain.

absolutely, i hear this, now more than ever, i have disconnected from everybody i know inc friends/family, or whats remaining of family, it is al so overrated.

 

[whatevs]

I'm mainly posting this about a housemate, but it is something I have noticed a pattern of in myself. I have this deep need to connect with people - share, learn from, interact, whatever - and this is my default behaviour. But when people don't reciprocate, it hurts. Even worse when they behave negatively despite my way of interacting with them. This one housemate I'm always asking about, offering random food, drinks, advice about health and diet stuff - some of these when asked for...and I basically never get anything of the like in return. Usually it's just no interaction, or being told some behaviour of mine (like briefly altering the thermostat by a single degree) isn't acceptable (according to only this one person, not a consensus).

When on a day like today it's the first thing that occurs between us it makes me feeling like fucking shit, but the pattern continues. Me continuing to be the way I described, and them the same. As much as I would hope the other party's behaviour would change I'm not delusional - why would you stop being cold or standoffish and still get the benefits from a nice person? But I'm confused and irritated with myself. Why don't I just start acting the same way? Why the fuck am I being nice to this person who isn't giving me anything back, expect for intermittent jerky attitude? Is it because I'm so fucking isolated outside, and even inside, my living space? Am I just a fucking idiot?

I fucking hate this part of myself.

You can chat with me on Discord, I'm trying to expand my social circle.

 

[Dans117]

I'm mainly posting this about a housemate, but it is something I have noticed a pattern of in myself. I have this deep need to connect with people - share, learn from, interact, whatever - and this is my default behaviour. But when people don't reciprocate, it hurts. Even worse when they behave negatively despite my way of interacting with them. This one housemate I'm always asking about, offering random food, drinks, advice about health and diet stuff - some of these when asked for...and I basically never get anything of the like in return. Usually it's just no interaction, or being told some behaviour of mine (like briefly altering the thermostat by a single degree) isn't acceptable (according to only this one person, not a consensus).

When on a day like today it's the first thing that occurs between us it makes me feeling like fucking shit, but the pattern continues. Me continuing to be the way I described, and them the same. As much as I would hope the other party's behaviour would change I'm not delusional - why would you stop being cold or standoffish and still get the benefits from a nice person? But I'm confused and irritated with myself. Why don't I just start acting the same way? Why the fuck am I being nice to this person who isn't giving me anything back, expect for intermittent jerky attitude? Is it because I'm so fucking isolated outside, and even inside, my living space? Am I just a fucking idiot?

I fucking hate this part of myself.

I can totally relate. Wanting to relate to and connect with people - family, friends, lovers, even people online - and getting burned because I'm a people pleaser and get taken advantage of in a situation like that. The amount of people I've known who reciprocated that kind of attention is so small I can count it on one hand. My heart goes out to you.

ever since covid i have lived life as a recluse and realised how enjoyable and peaceful it is, my bills i pay online and also get shopping home delivered, took me years to figure out that for the most part *others* were the route cause of my anxiety and depression, it is still there just no as it once was, people are overrated buds and if they can shit on you to get ahead then in my experience at least they will, of course there will be those that poo poo MY experiences and invalidate me, it is for that reason that i opted out of society and went my own way, it also helps if your no reliant on society, i am sat on benefits in the uk, and oddly am better off than i was in a 9-5 most of my money went on getting to and from ie travel expenses, i would say i am less stressed and less anxious too, plus you dont have to deal with people on the daily, i am just waiting to die quietly now, either by my own hand or of old age or illness etc, something i live by when it comes to people is want nothing expect nothing.

absolutely, i hear this, now more than ever, i have disconnected from everybody i know inc friends/family, or whats remaining of family, it is al so overrated.

This is my life in a nutshell! It took me a long time but I am getting to this point as well. Too old to hold to my youthful idealism, especially with WW3 approaching. At least most essentials can be delivered now. I am just waiting for the end because doing it myself is too difficult. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

You can chat with me on Discord, I'm trying to expand my social circle.

Thank you for the offer! I don't have discord unfortunately; am kind of a Luddite. Do you use the chat feature here? Drop me a line if so and we can see if we're pal-material

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

I have this deep need to connect with people - share, learn from, interact, whatever - and this is my default behaviour. But when people don't reciprocate, it hurts. Even worse when they behave negatively despite my way of interacting with them.

It feels like the rules for social norms are continuously being rewritten.

I keep thinking about it, but I'm beginning to believe again that it was a mistake for me to be born. My social standing isn't getting any better. Just of a slightly higher quality. However, I might never find the people who would genuinely love and accept me for who I am.

Something like that shouldn't be so difficult.

 

[Tired_again]

i feel like I'm a culprit to not giving people as much energy as they give me. I often find socializing exhausting and I tend to shy away from conversation because I have very little to say and can be very awkward in the process. I don't think much of what I would or could say matters because most things to me don't matter. My mind is normally void of thoughts as I never grew up socializing with anyone much including my family. I often overthink most interactions with another person and although I desire a life which I am social, the reality is that I'm not and I would rather shy away then endure any more suffering by trying to socialize.