Discussion Why didn't your last relationship work?

[jamie_]

She fell in love with someone else. She was my best friend and everything; I have no one now. Hurt, too, because she lost interest in me weeks before she told me. So, essentially, just hopped onto this new guy ten minutes after ending it with me. She seems happier, too. She talks to me about them, and she says and does shit she'd never did with me. Brutal, heh. That's life though. Everyone is just a ticking bomb waiting to hurt someone close to them.

exact same as i. lost feelings for me because she got feelings for someone else she first spoke to 14 days prior. totally discarded and left as though i dont exist

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Not sure. I put the beer on the counter, we exchanged common phrases of courtesy, and that was it. Glad it didn't turn into anything more, since I'm not gay.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

exact same as i. lost feelings for me because she got feelings for someone else she first spoke to 14 days prior. totally discarded and left as though i dont exist

That's horrible, do you still have contact with her?

 

[jamie_]

That's horrible, do you still have contact with her?

no i wish. i desperately tried to reach out to her constantly. i try not to but i cant help it as whenever i try to live, living just reminds me of her and i feel frightened and alone. i moved out, last time i see her in person before leaving she says she'll reach out in the new year because she knows how much ive been struggling (previous attempt), instead she blocks me on everything with no warning, never confronted, owned up or was honest with me about what was going on in her life and with me, i then keep trying to contact her like an idiot - nothing threatening just pleading to reach out to me and talk or bringing up things i need to talk about or bringing up emotions i feel - but every time i do she immediately forwards it to student conduct and it eventually gets me expelled from a top russell group university for 'unacceptable behaviour' and has pretty much guaranteed i will never get a degree even if i somehow managed to find the energy to start living let alone study again. the worst part is i still pay rent for the place of which i lived with her in and now have to get my parents to pay because no one wanted to takeover the remainder of the tenancy and i now don't have the student finance to pay for it. being ignored like this has had to require a whole lot of strength to fight the urge to turn up back up in the house and to see the person i so desperately need (i have keys still as i'm still a tenant) but i know that's an escalation that will not end well and also i keep having dreams of turning up and seeing this dude in my room using the house as i did and it is a reality i don't want to confirm as it will probably feel like a million knives stabbing me.

 

[September5th]

I'm sorry, we all have our faults, it's good you at least recognize them. Do you still have contact with her?

Yeah. I had to lose her in order to understand what exactly I did wrong. It sucks, but it's reality. I'm not feeling the best, but that's fine. I'm struggling with depression and that's starting to consume my life and other friendships.

And no, I don't talk to her anymore. It's been a month since she decided to block me. She wanted to keep being my friend, but I couldn't stand the fact she was seeing other people. So I went there and kissed her best friend in retaliation, I guess. That was the last straw for her and I respected it. I guess I truly suck.
I just wanted to go back, you know? I wanted to go to the beach with her again, like we did in January. It's been so hard lately. Not only because I lost her, but my entire life really. I'm very depressed.

 

[Arrow]

probably didn't work because it never happened

 

[nightnightnitrite]

no i wish. i desperately tried to reach out to her constantly. i try not to but i cant help it as whenever i try to live, living just reminds me of her and i feel frightened and alone. i moved out, last time i see her in person before leaving she says she'll reach out in the new year because she knows how much ive been struggling (previous attempt), instead she blocks me on everything with no warning, never confronted, owned up or was honest with me about what was going on in her life and with me, i then keep trying to contact her like an idiot - nothing threatening just pleading to reach out to me and talk or bringing up things i need to talk about or bringing up emotions i feel - but every time i do she immediately forwards it to student conduct and it eventually gets me expelled from a top russell group university for 'unacceptable behaviour' and has pretty much guaranteed i will never get a degree even if i somehow managed to find the energy to start living let alone study again. the worst part is i still pay rent for the place of which i lived with her in and now have to get my parents to pay because no one wanted to takeover the remainder of the tenancy and i now don't have the student finance to pay for it. being ignored like this has had to require a whole lot of strength to fight the urge to turn up back up in the house and to see the person i so desperately need (i have keys still as i'm still a tenant) but i know that's an escalation that will not end well and also i keep having dreams of turning up and seeing this dude in my room using the house as i did and it is a reality i don't want to confirm as it will probably feel like a million knives stabbing me.

I'm sorry she left you with virtually nothing, not even an answer. Some people are just energy drainers and users and have no remorse over it. It definitely seems like it's best she left, she didn't seem all too great of a person.

 

[picklemick]

I was too busy destroying my life to realize what I had with her.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

Yeah. I had to lose her in order to understand what exactly I did wrong. It sucks, but it's reality. I'm not feeling the best, but that's fine. I'm struggling with depression and that's starting to consume my life and other friendships.

And no, I don't talk to her anymore. It's been a month since she decided to block me. She wanted to keep being my friend, but I couldn't stand the fact she was seeing other people. So I went there and kissed her best friend in retaliation, I guess. That was the last straw for her and I respected it. I guess I truly suck.
I just wanted to go back, you know? I wanted to go to the beach with her again, like we did in January. It's been so hard lately. Not only because I lost her, but my entire life really. I'm very depressed.

That's normally how it does, my ex retaliated against me because I wanted to leave because I knew something was up, later I find out there has been other girls. It really hurts from her POV but there's definitely some self sabotaging going on on your side that I know doesn't feel good either. I'm sorry it's gotten that bad):

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I think I'm just a difficult person to have a relationship with. I have personality disorder. Emotional disability. Mood problems, ADD. It's just a nightmare everyday.

 

[Ashu]

Are you going through a break up or trying to work it out?

I just got back from my latest attempt to make a run for it, which had each of us literally at opposite ends of the earth, in our respective homelands. I thought, too, that an old love back home might be reawakening. In the end, I couldn't do it, so here I am again. It's been sixteen years. Being what we are, there's no way out of this but death.

 

[S like suicide]

It was my fault ... I broke up with him.
it was a very deep love, I loved it with all my heart and blood.
It was an overwhelming and inexplicable love that I didn't expect would happen to me ... it was so intense that we had plans to meet, have a future together and create our family, our happy oasis ... get married and
having children together.
I fucked up everything ... i'm fucked up and i was scared.
and i'm totally sure he desearve someone better than what i can give to him.

 

[symphony]

I didn't realize that I wasn't attracted to them because I didn't know what attraction was supposed to feel like. When I said I loved them, I meant it, but I was feeling a strong platonic love while they were feeling romantic love and sexual attraction. Highly mismatched.

 

[l0stc4use]

i most likely have BPD and my outbursts were becoming too much for her, she also thinks she has NPD which isn't a very good combination :/

 

[nightnightnitrite]

I just got back from my latest attempt to make a run for it, which had each of us literally at opposite ends of the earth, in our respective homelands. I thought, too, that an old love back home might be reawakening. In the end, I couldn't do it, so here I am again. It's been sixteen years. Being what we are, there's no way out of this but death.

I'm sorry that sounds horrible to spend so long with somebody and have it end that way. You two are together again? What has that been like after the separation?

 

[September5th]

That's normally how it does, my ex retaliated against me because I wanted to leave because I knew something was up, later I find out there has been other girls. It really hurts from her POV but there's definitely some self sabotaging going on on your side that I know doesn't feel good either. I'm sorry it's gotten that bad):

There's always a lot of self sabotaging going on in my life. If that wasn't the case, she would still be with me and a lot of other things wouldn't be so miserable. I don't know why I keep destroying everything that I touch.

 

[BasqueClown]

She abused me. Both phsycal and sexual. After that, I didn't trust her anymore and as soon I can I abandon her and broke up, moving of her house.
Yes, lesbian violence exists, unfortunately is less documented.

 

[Darkover]

she got bored of me and the mundane sex after 2 years of being together which broke my heart

 

[friendofbirds]

because he was a cunt lol

ok but more seriously it was a rebound on both of our parts and my mom had just died a few months prior, it would have never worked. he was a liar and manipulator and i was so dependent on his approval to feel good about anything

 

[Ashu]

I was too busy destroying my life to realize what I had with her.

This could be me talkin.

 

[Ashu]

I'm sorry that sounds horrible to spend so long with somebody and have it end that way.

It began that way too, actually. A sick love.

You two are together again? What has that been like after the separation?

Grim, resigned.

Thanks for asking and listening. I know you're in your own nightmare, and that it helps to hear others talk about theirs.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

She abused me. Both phsycal and sexual. After that, I didn't trust her anymore and as soon I can I abandon her and broke up, moving of her house.
Yes, lesbian violence exists, unfortunately is less documented.

It's horrible how somebody you gave your trust and heart too can turn around and abuse you after. Is there anyway you can report her? Have you gotten any help or told anyone else about what happened yet?

 

[Weebster]

Mine never get off the ground because I hate the confining feel I get in relationshits

 

[PaperGodzilla]

I couldn't reach her anymore, i was in a bad place back then and I didn't know how to make it work anymore. I always felt anxious and the idea i had to be here especially for another person was crippling me out and was worsening everything.
We broke up almost 4 months ago and i feel slightly better, i hope she is doing ok too.

 

[almaranthine]

1st "relationship": I was 20. College dropout. Met guy through my last remaining friend group (read stoner drug connect group). We hooked up at my friends party (not how stable, genuine connections are made by the way). He decided he wanted me to be "gf". I say yes, because my family was abusive, he lived about 1hr away from them, so I could spend a few days at his place, lie to my family and say I stayed there bc his place was closer to my school, and generally just avoid them. He made decent money, took me out for drinks and dinner, bought weed etc. all I had to do was fuck him once or twice a week, so, I was materialistic and lonely and lost, and did so, over 1.5 years until he raped me twice. Which leads me to relationship no 2.
2nd "Relationship"
Worked with dude. I was 22, and he was 50, married, and had 3 kids. He hated his wife. She was crazy, and would show up at the store screaming at him for random reasons (customers there or not) and would always bring a child with her for dramatic effect. She would sit in the parking lot, just watching... sometimes would park the car and hide in the backseat. After no 1 raped me the second time, I went on somewhat of a dissociative trip. I didn't realize why I did what I did till much later in my life. I started banging work guy. He would skim money from the business and buy me dinner/alcohol from the pub next door every night we closed. He would hook me up with weed too. I would go to no 1s place and make it low key clear that I was texting someone else, but had no 2 saved under a friends name. No 1 was getting the gist. Eventually, for my final revenge, I invited no 1 to the pub one evening to have drinks with me and "work guy". He suspected nothing aside from the fact that work guy clearly didn't like him. When I finally broke up with no 1, and revealed the truth, he was utterly crushed. This made me feel better about being abused I guess. What I didn't see coming was that no 2 was obsessed with me, did not see the relationship as a casual thing as I did, claimed he loved me, and forced a relationship upon me through coercion and other means of manipulation and false promises.

The only 2 men I've loved in my life, I never had formal relationships with. For me, relationships coincided with manipulation and abuse. Sure, was I materialistic in my youth? Yeah, but so was the first guy. He wanted a side piece. Then, he wanted a side piece that would take it any way he wanted. I always wonder how my life may have spun had I not chose revenge. Funny to think like that though. Life is weird.

 

[Lullaby]

He realized he couldn't control me like he used to, so he made up some excuse to break up with me.

We met when I was 16 and he was 22, I was completely naive to the fact that he was using me. He started bringing me around other girls that he was hooking up with and that's when I had enough.

I ran into him a few years later on a dating app, and he apologized for everything, surprisingly. I decided to give him another chance, but it was really hard to move past how he treated me before, mostly because a). He started conforming a lot of things he used to gaslight me about and literally told me that he used to like me because I was so naive

and b). He was still manipulating everyone around him. He refused to hang around anyone he couldn't have control over.

I started speaking up more for myself this time and he hated that. The final straw was when he asked me for a favor. He told me he had a hard drive filled with nudes of all the girls he used to hook up with or date, and wanted me to move them to his computer. His ex, who was very insecure and desperate, did this and many other things for him, so he expected me to as well.

I didn't, chewed him out and we broke up with the next night. I don't miss him, he would make me feel crazy and stupid for feeling or questioning anything that he didn't agree with.

I've had lots of failed romances since, and while it really sucks being alone, I guess I would rather that than be with a person who wants to take advantage of me.

 

[hellispink]

my ex was a very difficult person to talk to. He would bottle up all his feelings and opinions to himself. If I asked if something was wrong or bothering him, he would say "nothing" or that everything was "ok". I can't be in a relationship where someone doesn't know how to communicate at all. Trying to get him to talk to me was a hard job. I think he wasn't mature enough and he has to work on himself. Our relationship statted to fail as I got tired of him not opening up. He started chatting with someone only over text, I saw it and I decided to end the relationship. I understand he could have trouble expressing but it is one own responsibility to communicate. If they don't want to communicate and expect us to guess them out, I prefer to just leave.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

my ex was a very difficult person to talk to. He would bottle up all his feelings and opinions to himself. If I asked if something was wrong or bothering him, he would say "nothing" or that everything was "ok". I can't be in a relationship where someone doesn't know how to communicate at all. Trying to get him to talk to me was a hard job. I think he wasn't mature enough and he has to work on himself. Our relationship statted to fail as I got tired of him not opening up. He started chatting with someone only over text, I saw it and I decided to end the relationship. I understand he could have trouble expressing but it is one own responsibility to communicate. If they don't want to communicate and expect us to guess them out, I prefer to just leave.

When they refuse to communicate, it feels like a pretty one sided relationship. It sounds incredible frustrating to deal with especially when you're the only one putting in work. I'm glad you realized your worth and left. Do you miss him at all or have you either of you tried reaching out since breaking up?

 

[Jumper Seoirse]

She said I want an honest man who tells the truth, an hour later said does my bum look big in these jeans, oops single again,

Cheers

Jumper Seoirse

 

[sourokraandfish]

It was platonic but nonetheless, my feelings and love for her were and will always be as intense as romantic affection.

I was the problem.

I'm very ashamed of and hate everything about myself. Not only my appearances and cognitive abilities but also who I am at my core. My friend has an extreme craving for love and social interactions and becomes suicidal and anxious when she does not receive it. She once told me that she was so desperate would pay people just to sit and talk to her if she had a lot of money. Thus, I cannot help but be obsessed with the thought that she does not love me for who I am and only sees me as who she needs me to be. Yet, at the same time, I also refused to show my true self to her due to fear and shame.

I'm a non-confrontational mtf with an anxious-avoidant attachment style so instead of working on my internal problems and voicing my feelings to her, I chose to run away like a coward :)