Venting Why can't they suffer instead

[toskita]

I'm so tired, and in a point of my life where I don't know what to do. I want to die pacifically, surrounded by love and caring, by someone who's not sexually interested in me, that would be a great amend for everything I've bad to went through. I can't help but think about how everyone who's hurted me sees me as bad and selfish, yet they feel entitled to say they miss me, they miss someone who doesn't exist, an exaggerated idealization to justify their mistakes. When in reality they've sexualized me, making me a fetish, too dumb, naive and innocent to understand what's going on. I wish they could die instead of me, life would be easier, the only price would be some fake tears and that's it. I'm aware dying is pretty expensive, but I don't give a fuck, it's my fantasy anyways.
I want them gone so I can cope with the trauma, to see them suffer just like I do every day, thinking about what they did when I see closed doors, my own bed and the darkness.