Why can't the thoughts just go away and why can't everyone be happy

[Some place nice]

I keep having daydreams about me ctbing and someone finding me. how does one stop these? I want to be alive, I finally found love and I can see the light of happiness but, I can't grasp it yet. I sometimes feel guilty about being happy bc my friend isn't happy. I want to die but I also don't, ya'know? I have been showed that I am worthless, unlovable, ugly, fat, gross, and depressing. No one cared that I was doing SH or that I attempted cbt, when I told my mom that I needed help and that I was cutting she just ignored me and kept smoking and when I called her for her, she screamed at me "I'm thinking!" she never did anything about it. Thats when I learned that my mom didn't actually love nor care for me. People in my life would always leave me except my family. This guy, the love of my life, I feel will never leave but then again, I thought that of the last person, and I fear that they might be on the verge of leaving me. I'll always have my sunshine, but I still worry that I care for my friend too much and that it upsets my bf. I have a lot of guilt and it hurts so much I fear that my friend might ctb which has been keeping me awake at night alongside my severe depression. I've already relapsed last night and cut, and now I feel like a bad gf bc I have a lifeline but (my bf), but I don't use it bc than I'd feel bad for wakening him up with my needless nonsense. I fear I might ctb, one night I already came up with a plan I got high to see if it'd help but my friend texted me, so I wasn't able, we talked till 6 am and at that time my sunshine and I text each other until they gotta clock in. I want to be happy, but I won't be until the tow people in my life are, I know that I can't make everyone happy but, I just want them to be happy, that's the last person that has to be happy so I can be. I am good at being ignored so it makes everything easier, so no one notices when I'm upset so I don't upset them. I can feel my depression drag me down real fast as I am typing this but if someone knows than they'll be worried and upset so I can't tell anyone except y'all. I have been holding this in for a few days, but it doesn't feel good getting it out like I thought it would, it makes me was to ctb more... I love my sunshine with my whole being and I don't want to hurt him, but the urges grow every day. sorry for a long rant but, I thought it would make me feel better... I was wrong.

 

[iori011x3]

hey, i'm sorry you're feeling this way. i understand the feeling of having someone as a lifeline and not wanting to hurt them but also having a hard time. it must be so tough trying to figure things out and feeling like you're a bad gf. i'm sorry you relapsed, but please don't blame yourself too much for it. it's hard to feel better when you ponder about things you regret. it's definitely easier than said, but please forgive yourself. you aren't a bad gf, you just need support. you deserve to be able to lean on someone else. it's unfortunate that venting didnt help you feel any better, but i'm glad you have ss as an outlet nevertheless.

recovering is hard, isn't it? i'm sorry i couldn't give any good advice, but i sincerely hope everything will work out for you. i'm really rooting for you. you really don't deserve all this pain.

 

[Some place nice]

hey, i'm sorry you're feeling this way. i understand the feeling of having someone as a lifeline and not wanting to hurt them but also having a hard time. it must be so tough trying to figure things out and feeling like you're a bad gf. i'm sorry you relapsed, but please don't blame yourself too much for it. it's hard to feel better when you ponder about things you regret. it's definitely easier than said, but please forgive yourself. you aren't a bad gf, you just need support. you deserve to be able to lean on someone else. it's unfortunate that venting didnt help you feel any better, but i'm glad you have ss as an outlet nevertheless.

recovering is hard, isn't it? i'm sorry i couldn't give any good advice, but i sincerely hope everything will work out for you. i'm really rooting for you. you really don't deserve all this pain.

Thank you.

 

[StruggleWithin]

I've learned the hard way that you can't live your life for others. It just leads to your own unhappiness. That's not to say that you shouldn't think of others. But that you need to find the balance between your concerns for others and your own needs. We all need to be selfish at times; it doesn't mean that it makes us inconsiderate. I am still learning to set boundaries. As for the thoughts, 16 hours ago, situational circumstances caused a resurgence of SI. Which is why I came back to SS. I have over come severe depression and SI that was so strong that I had several failed attempts. I've been on psych meds but now I am living in remission and am off all my psych meds. Learning emotional intelligence, understanding my past experiences and how they shaped my triggers and the way I interact with the world has helped me. To me, living with SI is like living with an addiction. I'm sorry to say that, in my experience, the thoughts never go away completely. I've just learned better coping skills. And this form has been an amazing outlet and community and why I'm here now after earlier events.