WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL?

[sleazyyyy]

I lost my SN and the rest of my medication. When I received my SN, I kept it in a black plastic bag along with the other necessary meds between my books and clothes, unopened, because there's a part of me that's genuinely pushing those thoughts away.

When I noticed they disappeared when I got home yesterday, I slipped back faster than expected. It's not because I want to CTB now, but because my option is gone again. Replacing everything is too much work, costs too much, and I'm just so, so, exhausted by how much work it takes just to keep myself alive.

Why does being alive seems to come naturally to everyone else? Why can't I experience sadness without turning it into self-destruction? Why does survival feel like a full-time job that just, just, just DOESN'T STOP?

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL???

AND I KNOW, I KNOW, EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN PAIN. I KNOW OTHER PEOPLE SUFFER TOO. OTHER PEOPLE EVEN HAVE IT WORSE THAN I DO AND I KNOW THAT. BUT WHY? JUST WHY CAN'T I MOVE THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT BEING SO FULLY CONSUMED WITH PAIN AND ANGER AND SADNESS THAT DOESN'T SEEM TO GET SMALLER?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITH IT AND HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT IT.

I'M JUST SO TIRED CARRYING THIS MIND THAT'S SO HELL-BENT ON RUINING ME AND TURNING EVERY SMALL THINGS INTO CATASTROPHE.