Discussion Why are you still holding off?

[I screwed up]

I am holding on because I am the biggest chicken in this world. Can't overcome my freakin SI

 

[Lilja]

A few months back I would have said it's this tiny bit of delusional hope I've had in myself that everything would be fine, that the person who traumatised me for years would admit to what he has done and I could have some kind of closure in that sense. Plus, the fact that I don't want to bring my family so much pain, possibly causing them similar mental issues which I have tried to fight against for the past 3 years.

These days it's just immense exhaustion, the fact that I changed my plans to doing SN but haven't been able to get it yet and overthinking whether I'm leaving behind enough money for everyone including therapy for my family and the funeral.
Though I'm certain once I have everything I need to ctb, there's nothing holding me back. I'll just feel horrible for making my family suffer, that they will never be able to see, hear or touch me again. But I do have hope they will understand that wherever I'm heading, I will be better off than staying here watching my health declining further.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Tbh, death is scary

 

[MrBlue]

1) All the methods I have available for the forseeable future aren't as foolproof as I'd like, and I'm frightened they will fail and I'll end up iin an even worse situation
2) Intense guilt about leaving my immediate family. I worry my death may cause my parents and brothers to throw away their own lives, which are fairly normal and healthy at the moment.
3) I don't know if I deserve to commit suicide. It would end my pain, but maybe I'm too pathetic and lonely and damaged that I deserve it all.
4) A very small part of me thinks that if I hold out long enough I might stumble upon people that actually don't mind me, maybe even like me. Though I also know that would be a long, painful wait. It won't be happening in the next 5 years, but probably after I'm 30/40.

 

[262653]

Maybe for similar reason the rapist rapes his victim despite the possible negative consequences for everyone involved, and the torture victim signs any paper, even if he signs for an eternity of suffering. The command in the present moment is so strong that whatever can happen in the future seems irrelevant.

 

[Tabbyql]

My dogs, I just can't stand the thought of leaving them.
The stupid miniscule hope that a miracle would save me.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I put in another thread that I overdosed once and there was all the stereotypical stuff white light, life flashing before you then there was some kind of choice that said you've got to fight because even this miserable life is better than nothing but now I'm still alive I'm not convinced.

and my dog, he's so lovely I absolutely hate the idea of upsetting him xxx


sorry double post

most probably want to die but just can't bring themselves to do it but then the ones that do I bet the very last moments there was a spark or something that said to them you should of lived you could of made it, Its like some holly intervention with some guidance, but it never helps you in life it's totally unhelpful - useless.

 

[thx1138]

It's my mom's birthday today so I want to wait at least a couple of weeks so she doesn't think I CTB'd near her birthday on purpose

 

[rt1989526]

Expecting to get furloughed from my job due to Covid soon, then I can do it and idiots at work won't be wondering where I am, etc

 

[bigdog]

I need to obtain benzos

 

[Deleted member 19817]

Making sure I get it right. Failed two previous attempts because I had what I call a Hollywood understanding of my chosen methods.

 

[So-lowgid]

My children. I'm surprised to see others above me who are the same. I guess it makes me feel a little better that I'm not the only one with kids on here who's feeling this way. I feel immense guilt towards them for simply having these thoughts in my head let alone acting on them. Again...

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i haven't even started to make enough money to cover my funeral costs. (i don't want to burden my family any more than i already will, but i might go for cremation.)

i also haven't decided on a method or a place.

 

[FrankieVallie]

95% family and a childhood friend, 5% a delusional hope that things are going to improve for me in the future. Those two are the ONLY things keeping me here. I love my family and don't want to hurt them, but at the same time I cannot bear to suffer more pain. It's a lose-lose situation. That's why I'm going to make my death look like an accident and leave a will to relieve them from as much pain as I can.

 

[Flump]

Scared of failure again, lots of failed attempts, it's so hard.

 

[SterileMoth]

Initially it was because I still had hope that my ex fiance would come back and genuinely make an effort, and he did for a bit. Then he went out and cheated. The man I love is dead, as far as I'm concerned.
But now?
•I just don't have a reliable method. SN is hard to get here now and I'm not sure if I really want to venture into the dark web. I can't gas myself, I don't have a car or anywhere to go that wouldn't put others at risk.
•I'd hate to see my friends and family suffer much too. I need to succeed. It would be easier on them.

 

[I screwed up]

Can't overcome si , I m a scared gutless chicken

 

[TheSoundofTime]

1. I just don't think my time is here yet. I am impulsive though, I never know what might struck my mind but I don't think I'm there.
2. Just watching how much I can actually handle while everything is falling appart in my own little world.
That's basically it.

 

[Anthagonos]

I'm jist here because I was planning my btc. Now I knowwhat and how to do it.
So in less than 40 days I will pass away.
I'm just waiting for the correct moment.

 

[ImaginaryScary]

I don't want to die. I still have aspirations, things that bring me joy, make me laugh, things I'm looking forward to, plans for the future and so on. I don't have the means to keep living. This life costs money and I can't pay, so there aren't many options left. I've thought about prostitution, selling myself to slavery or even committing a crime that would land me in prison, but death sounds so much nicer than any of those.

I'm also scared. I came close to passing out from hanging one time and it was so scary. I've regretted it everyday that I didn't keep going.

 

[AllReturnsToNothing]

To be completely honest I have no idea. Originally I was hesitant because I was terrified of hurting my family since they've already been though so much shit and the though of my mom finding my body made me want to retch. But then I rationalized it by thinking about how it wouldn't matter in the long term because I wouldn't exist for it to be my problem anymore and it would be just something for them to deal with. But now I'm finding myself back where I started where for some reason I just can't go through with it no matter how much I want to. Like I keep chalking it up to cowardice and a fear of failure but I realized the evening I found this forum and attempted ctb for the first time that in the moment I didn't care about failure anymore I was just laser focused on doing the deed and nothing else in the world mattered. But then I just couldn't go through with the suspension. I don't know if it was because of my fear of pain or what but for some reason I just couldn't go through with it aside from self-harm just by wringing the noose around my neck and pulling in the rope just to see how much pain I could take.

Maybe I just have some sort of naive hope deep down that things will get better for me or maybe it's just morbid curiosity pulling me along like a puppet on a string. Maybe I don't want to die at all. Maybe I just want people to care about me. Maybe I just want to feel like I have value and not feel like a worthless speck of dirt. Maybe I want to get better deep down but I lack the energy/drive to put in the effort to do so. Or maybe I'm just a lazy piece of shit that wants to be taken care of because I can't take care of myself just like my worthless fucking father. Except I guess to give him credit at least he learned how to be somewhat competant when push came to shove, unlike me. I just don't know what I want. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what's happening I don't know what I'm doiing I don't know what I'm feeling.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

My friend saved me, she took me in to stay with her family. I still have suicidal thoughts daily but it's not as bad as it was.
It's good to have someone who actually care for you not just saying it.

 

[BPD Barbie]

My mother, during the last year we've got incredibly close. Also I have some last ditch hope it'll get better. I go through phases where I throw myself at recovery and give it my all but nothing changes. So it's a new date, same method now. Hoping I can get through it.

 

[sadstuffie]

i wanna see how much worse things can get.

 

[JAG_78]

1) All the methods I have available for the forseeable future aren't as foolproof as I'd like, and I'm frightened they will fail and I'll end up iin an even worse situation
2) Intense guilt about leaving my immediate family. I worry my death may cause my parents and brothers to throw away their own lives, which are fairly normal and healthy at the moment.
3) I don't know if I deserve to commit suicide. It would end my pain, but maybe I'm too pathetic and lonely and damaged that I deserve it all.
4) A very small part of me thinks that if I hold out long enough I might stumble upon people that actually don't mind me, maybe even like me.

1) All the methods I have available for the forseeable future aren't as foolproof as I'd like, and I'm frightened they will fail and I'll end up iin an even worse situation
2) Intense guilt about leaving my immediate family. I worry my death may cause my parents and brothers to throw away their own lives, which are fairly normal and healthy at the moment.
3) I don't know if I deserve to commit suicide. It would end my pain, but maybe I'm too pathetic and lonely and damaged that I deserve it all.
4) A very small part of me thinks that if I hold out long enough I might stumble upon people that actually don't mind me, maybe even like me. Though I also know that would be a long, painful wait. It won't be happening in the next 5 years, but probably after I'm 30/40.

I can relate to your 1, 2 & 3 to some extent.
Concerning your 3. Everyone deserves release from unendurable pain (if that is what you feel). It's buying it at the expense of other peoples pain and grief that makes it feel like an unjustifiable luxury to me in my situation. Also from my experience the unreasonable nastiness of depression.
But hang on in there if you can because You come across as likeable. I already like you and despite my many off putting flaws I'm actually quite picky.
You come across as someone worth knowing. Someone valuable.

 

[Marauder]

Im afraid of failing and becoming disabled and because of that being forced to live even worse life than now.

 

[DetachedDreamer97]

1: Perfecting a botanical bootleg suicide cocktail (It was honestly a real bitch of a project. A shame I tossed out the main poison extract-in-progress when I was high on shrooms)
2: Not my time yet
3: Not in my ideal state of mind
4: The few connections I've regrettably made, (especially with that one girl I've a major soft spot for)