Discussion Why are you here?

[hikikomori]

tell your story

 

[Smashingairwaves]

I could vent on and on forever, but the end story is that my depression is not going to go away. It's been here for years, I've tried everything possible, and I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm sick of being sick. Why should I continue being in pain? I came here because I wanted knowledge on what ideas work, and if my idea works. My idea apparently does work, so what do I have to lose? I have a plan, I just have to wait for my surgery to heal then I'll be ready

 

[Final Escape]

My life has went terribly wrong and often hurting emotionally. I don't know if I can ever really be happy after the way I've lived and killing all my kids through repeat abortions. The final abortion I knew better but I felt too old and it would have been so difficult to go through with it in my situation. I'm struggling so much worse nowadays then when I was younger phsycologically, no energy, no support network. I'm also a sex worker.

 

[TAW122]

My life has been quite a joke ever since I was a kid and it sucks in many ways. I've been bullied as a kid, family life was horrible growing up, failed socially, financially (still struggle to land a job -- though I'm not into wage-slaving just to get by either.), and many other aspects too. Just a total fuck of a failure. Also, no one really understands me or my philosophy (they claim they do, but really they don't, let alone accept my views). Also, since it's dangerous to come out openly about suicide let alone any rational discussion without the risk of imprisonment and other consequences (socially, financially, and professionally), this is really the only suitable place where I can discuss about my views, values, and philosophy without being judged, threatened, or drowned out by pro-life rhetoric. I can't think or find of any other place, forum, or board to be able to to discuss suicide and death rationally as well as methods to do so. People are much more caring and helpful than anyone IRL that I've met. They also don't try to talk others down or discourage methods and some will even provide detailed advice on how to do things. They also respect others' choices whether it is to continue living or finding a reliable way to ctb.

While I've made up my mind regarding ctb, it is just a matter of time and circumstance (the right time along with right circumstances along with the reliable method) before I follow through. I'd say that being around here has given me a sense of peace and calm along with feelings of belonging rather than being driven away or feeling isolated and lonely IRL. It is a sanctuary for me and a place away from the torment of reality.

 

[wanttodie]

encouragement to ctb

 

[Billy The Human]

To survive and die exclusively in that order

 

[OkTotti]

My life has went terribly wrong and often hurting emotionally. I don't know if I can ever really be happy after the way I've lived and killing all my kids through repeat abortions. The final abortion I knew better but I felt too old and it would have been so difficult to go through with it in my situation. I'm struggling so much worse nowadays then when I was younger phsycologically, no energy, no support network. I'm also a sex worker.

you mean former sex worker?

 

[bigj75]

My life has went terribly wrong and often hurting emotionally. I don't know if I can ever really be happy after the way I've lived and killing all my kids through repeat abortions. The final abortion I knew better but I felt too old and it would have been so difficult to go through with it in my situation. I'm struggling so much worse nowadays then when I was younger phsycologically, no energy, no support network. I'm also a sex worker.

 

[OkTotti]

Come on.. don't judge...we all have our reasons why we're here

 

[bigj75]

Come on.. don't judge...we all have our reasons why we're here

I'm here due to physical injury and depression.

 

[Mr. Bill]

Wanted to talk with people in a similar situation as myself so I can muster up the courage to do it

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I've been googling a way for making cyanide hydrogen out of apricots. Apricots were apparently even more poisonous than almonds in that regard. I also felt lonely as hell. Everywhere I go I have to keep my filters running 24/7. There's precisely one guy in Pakistan who I can kinda open up to in terms of "normal people". My shrink is also someone I can open up to, but that has more to do with the fact he's an online therapist and I built a barrier through which I go for that specific site.
When I first saw the name of the site, I thought it's some edgelord kingdom.
I then stumbled on the resources mega thread and realized "holy shit these people are serious!"
Then I saw the speculations megathread, where I saw basically "where's so-and-so?" "Oh, they ctb." "=["
At that point I fully expected "that bastard owes me ten bucks! "
Took me about a week to gather the courage to sign up.
It's the casualty of the place, the support, which I still find kinda weird, but am very thankful for.
For me it's like coming home after a long day of work and finally being able to take my pants off.
Much like at work, I technically can take my pants off too, but cops will be called.
Right now I'm gathering info and resources. I realized I really do have only two options left. If plan A fails, here people will support and help with plan B instead of tying me up like a particularly large ham and throwing me into a padded cell.

 

[throwaway111222777]

I want to die so bad and I'm so tired of having to listen to people who clearly would rather see me suffer

 

[Miss clefable]

I'm here due to physical injury and depression.

So are you calling her suffering invalid?

 

[worldexploder]

I am surrounded by understanding and validating people who actually seem to get it! This is a place were we don't have to hide our experiences, beliefs, or desires to CTB. My entire life has been a train wreck and I want it to end. I finally found a group with people who cares. I also admire this groups open attitude and the pro-choice feel of it all.

EDIT: I also like to help others as well as receive all the advice I can get on how to CTB.

 

[Letmego. Please]

Here i hope i can be me, the mostly unfiltered me that i cannot let anyone see.

 

[bigj75]

So are you calling her suffering invalid?

No? I just stated what i was here for. I suppose to be more specific I'm here for the encouragement and resources/knowledge on how to ctb due to my conditions getting the best of me.

 

[Xerxes]

This is the only place where I can talk about my suicidal thoughts without being put in the slammer or institutionalized. I feel at ease knowing I have other alternatives to CTB rather than my current plan. I've had bipolar since I was 17, severe depression and childhood trauma all my life, and now I'm married and have a host of new issues crop up on top of my existing issues. Shit sucks sometimes and I gotta put my head down and push through until I break my neck doing so.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Because everything in my life has been going wrong to such an unbelievable degree that I find a need to establish the bottom for myself. If I don't do it, life will do it for me and keep throwing me for a loop. I will continue to have no control and be constantly disillusioned if I don't own up to where I'm at. I'm done having hope, it's a dangerous thing for people like me.

Instead, I want that escape hatch ready, and since doing so I am now finally able to laugh at life's bullshit a little. Nothing can touch you when you are ready to stare that bus in the face - physical pain, mental anguish, financial crap, whatever it is. You're even above the law. Death is the ultimate freedom.

 

[Shewaitsforme]

Researching methods, then when im ready i dont want to fail so ive researched and planned over and over.

 

[Final Escape]

you mean former sex worker?

No I still have to do that unfortunately to survive for now. It's hard but so is working many many hours in jobs where u have to put up with a lot more stress. Yes my job is not making me happy because women wired for security, and not wired up for lifetime promiscuity. We feel most secure in a monogamous thing. I might find a way out of it but I may not. It's not easy to get out of this especially if u have existing phsyc problems like borderline personality disorder or complex ptsd. These things make it hard to hold formal employment.

 

[bigj75]

No I still have to do that unfortunately to survive for now. It's hard but so is working many many hours in jobs where u have to put up with a lot more stress. Yes my job is not making me happy because women wired for security, and not wired up for lifetime promiscuity. We feel most secure in a monogamous thing. I might find a way out of it but I may not. It's not easy to get out of this especially if u have existing phsyc problems like borderline personality disorder or complex ptsd. These things make it hard to hold formal employment.

 

[Final Escape]

Lol!

 

[bigj75]

Lol!

I thought about becoming a sex worker once but too much risk vs reward in my opinion personally.

 

[Final Escape]

I thought about becoming a sex worker once but too much risk vs reward in my opinion personally.

You can make it safer but yea it's still risky. I practice harm reduction and of course using protection and screening well. The demographic of people you see also matters. You can certainly decrease risk even if u can't eliminate it completely. I have one person I rely on to keep me grounded because sometimes it gets to me. Thank god for this one person or I would probably not be able to manage.

 

[Suicidalsamurai]

tell your story

I'm a teenager who has bipolar 2, is addicted to drugs, and I just can't stand to live day to day. Every day it's the same shit, wake up, be on phone all day because nobody in the real world likes me, get super fucking high just so I can feel happy, fall asleep, repeat. I've been in 10 short term mental hospitals over the last year, none of them worked. I've also been to 2 rehabs, one for 42 days. They didn't do shit. Now I'm just counting the days until my mom dies so I can kill myself without hurting her. I would never do that to somebody, but as soon as she dies I'm going on a drug binge and ctb.

 

[TheLastTrip]

My life has been quite a joke ever since I was a kid and it sucks in many ways. I've been bullied as a kid, family life was horrible growing up, failed socially, financially (still struggle to land a job -- though I'm not into wage-slaving just to get by either.), and many other aspects too. Just a total fuck of a failure. Also, no one really understands me or my philosophy (they claim they do, but really they don't, let alone accept my views). Also, since it's dangerous to come out openly about suicide let alone any rational discussion without the risk of imprisonment and other consequences (socially, financially, and professionally), this is really the only suitable place where I can discuss about my views, values, and philosophy without being judged, threatened, or drowned out by pro-life rhetoric. I can't think or find of any other place, forum, or board to be able to to discuss suicide and death rationally as well as methods to do so. People are much more caring and helpful than anyone IRL that I've met. They also don't try to talk others down or discourage methods and some will even provide detailed advice on how to do things. They also respect others' choices whether it is to continue living or finding a reliable way to ctb.

While I've made up my mind regarding ctb, it is just a matter of time and circumstance (the right time along with right circumstances along with the reliable method) before I follow through. I'd say that being around here has given me a sense of peace and calm along with feelings of belonging rather than being driven away or feeling isolated and lonely IRL. It is a sanctuary for me and a place away from the torment of reality.

You've typed up my response for me! The only bit I would change is that I have made up my mind to ctb early jan, other than that those are my thoughts exactly.

 

[stargazer]

Due to physical limitations, i'm trying to give the option of having someone to help and hold my hand while we both depart this world. Failing that, I guess eventually I'll just have to find my own solution out of here alone. Either way, I know I'll be out of here sooner than later. And preferably painlessly as possible. :)

 

[Karl]

because I want to die
porque quiero morir
parce que je veux mourir

 

[Moony21]

That's a good question. It helps to talk with other people, because I can't speak with anybody about ctb..

In 2010, I jumped out of a moving car at 80 km / h. I came to a psychiatry. It was awful I screamed and resisted. I was only 19 years old. I got to know nice people in psychiatry and gave my life another chance. After three months of therapy, I did an outpatient therapy. I am full of fear of loss. all my friends and family members spoke to me: oh come on you are such a kind person, everybody likes you and you have your life ahead of you. I did Miss Wahl etc. because I did not have self-confidence. just embarrassing for me in retrospect ... i have never been really happy in my life due to a trauma. I do not love life. Some people just believe because you are tall and pretty, the shitty life is easier.