Discussion Why are you here?

[Deleted member 1768]

I'm a teenager who has bipolar 2, is addicted to drugs, and I just can't stand to live day to day. Every day it's the same shit, wake up, be on phone all day because nobody in the real world likes me, get super fucking high just so I can feel happy, fall asleep, repeat. I've been in 10 short term mental hospitals over the last year, none of them worked. I've also been to 2 rehabs, one for 42 days. They didn't do shit. Now I'm just counting the days until my mom dies so I can kill myself without hurting her. I would never do that to somebody, but as soon as she dies I'm going on a drug binge and ctb.

Ever heard of Ibogaine Samurai? I don't know if it would help, but it is worth reading about.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

tell your story

....waiting...

 

[ThisIsTheEnd]

I just wanted advice on how to not fuck up ctb. It's also nice to talk about this stuff, as you can't anywhere else.

tell your story

I'm a useless waste of skin who shouldn't be here, as I have no skills at anything. I'm 100% sure I'm a mistake, and I doubt anyone would notice my passing. I just wish I wasn't such a pussy and that I would just fucking end it already.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

I just wanted advice on how to not fuck up ctb. It's also nice to talk about this stuff, as you can't anywhere else.


I'm a useless waste of skin who shouldn't be here, as I have no skills at anything. I'm 100% sure I'm a mistake, and I doubt anyone would notice my passing. I just wish I wasn't such a pussy and that I would just fucking end it already.

We would notice your passing End...hugs.

 

[RogueJuliet]

I'm here for may reasons.

I've been suicidal for half my life now. The only thing that changes is whether it's "actively suicidal" or "passively suicidal." I don't actually know how many times I've attempted, but I haven't done so in awhile. It turns out, when you wear your damage on your sleeve like I used to, people keep a better eye on you and obtaining effective means becomes more difficult.

I go through weeks when I regret every moment of my existence, and would (if there was a way) prevent myself from ever drawing breath. Then I go through weeks where I just.. deteriorate. I try to eat enough food, think I've eaten plenty, hey it wrong because I have no appetite and only realize there's a problem when I'm passing out in the shower and my wedding ring is loose. I go long periods without leaving the house for anything but. The few people who stuck with me after marriage have mostly been chased away by now, or those relationships have been neglected to the point that they are more or less non-existent.

The weeks when I'm really unwell involve a lot of planning, gathering supplies, testing. I'm afraid of failing again; this would come off as a total breech of trust worth my husband. I test and plan and either run out of steam or unintentionally scare my husband enough that he takes time off of work. Whatever my real cause of death is, it's gonna be my fault one way or another.

I guess I'm here because I don't have anyone to talk to about this kind of thing.

 

[Louise]

I spend most of my time thinking about death and it's a lonely and scary place to be. It's good to talk to other limbo bound souls. Don't have to explain or justify myself to you guys. Who wants to go through all of this alone?

 

[AndyCurious]

I spend most of my time thinking about death and it's a lonely and scary place to be. It's good to talk to other limbo bound souls. Don't have to explain or justify myself to you guys. Who wants to go through all of this alone?

Agree, feels good to be able to share thoughts with likeminded people..

 

[Miss clefable]

I spend most of my time thinking about death and it's a lonely and scary place to be. It's good to talk to other limbo bound souls. Don't have to explain or justify myself to you guys. Who wants to go through all of this alone?

Hugs

 

[Thoughtforms]

I've been researching methods for about 3 years now. Was originally going to do exit bag but heard too many failed attempts so lost all hope of an easy fail proof method. .

Life got a bit better but it's started getting bad again.

Was also too scared of hurting my family but they are tired of my depression now. It's been 8 years that I've really felt low.

Feels good to be here and discover methods that will actually work. Wish I had done it sooner, saved The last few years of faking it. My life is all an act, everything I do is to make people think I'm happy and have a good life, like traveling, socialising. None of it makes me happy. What would make me happy is to be loved. I'm tired of having my heart broken. But I know I'll never be loved the way I want to be.

 

[GoneCantFindHer]

First time poster so, here it goes. I got dealt a shitty hand in life. Parents were abusive, dysfunctional family...the list goes on. I believed the rhetoric of society for so long, that a person could "escape" their upbringing, they could be better, have a healthy life and so on. I went to academia, and now finishing my masters, I see all a spiderweb of interconnected bs. More time, more money, more everything is required. Therapy is a joke; I know, I'm getting my masters to be a therapist. It can help some, but definitely not all. I have no social supports, I was in a sociopathic relationship, and I've been out for 4 years. He continues to stalk and come after me. And it's never taken seriously. He never faces real consequences. And of course, I have one child. I know you'll say I'm not truly sanctioned, I'm selfish. Please don't judge me any more than I do on a daily basis. I plan on raising my child so she can be self-sufficient and hopefully, she will have much better social supports than I do. I have mental health issues that no amount of therapy has helped. I'm a failure all the way around and I have to wait to CTB. I just want this entire existence over.

 

[Moony21]

I've been researching methods for about 3 years now. Was originally going to do exit bag but heard too many failed attempts so lost all hope of an easy fail proof method. .

Life got a bit better but it's started getting bad again.

Was also too scared of hurting my family but they are tired of my depression now. It's been 8 years that I've really felt low.

Feels good to be here and discover methods that will actually work. Wish I had done it sooner, saved The last few years of faking it. My life is all an act, everything I do is to make people think I'm happy and have a good life, like traveling, socialising. None of it makes me happy. What would make me happy is to be loved. I'm tired of having my heart broken. But I know I'll never be loved the way I want to be.

You speake to me from the herat. I can feel you. It's hard beeing on earth just to make others happy. Quit a show... I'm sorry for you.

 

[Letmego. Please]

First time poster so, here it goes. I got dealt a shitty hand in life. Parents were abusive, dysfunctional family...the list goes on. I believed the rhetoric of society for so long, that a person could "escape" their upbringing, they could be better, have a healthy life and so on. I went to academia, and now finishing my masters, I see all a spiderweb of interconnected bs. More time, more money, more everything is required. Therapy is a joke; I know, I'm getting my masters to be a therapist. It can help some, but definitely not all. I have no social supports, I was in a sociopathic relationship, and I've been out for 4 years. He continues to stalk and come after me. And it's never taken seriously. He never faces real consequences. And of course, I have one child. I know you'll say I'm not truly sanctioned, I'm selfish. Please don't judge me any more than I do on a daily basis. I plan on raising my child so she can be self-sufficient and hopefully, she will have much better social supports than I do. I have mental health issues that no amount of therapy has helped. I'm a failure all the way around and I have to wait to CTB. I just want this entire existence over.

I don't think you are selfish & i sure as hell won't judge you. I know that by me having no kids makes it so much easier for me, so no i have nothing but respect.

 

[justwaiting]

To learn about methods and eventually find a partner when I do ctb.

 

[GoneCantFindHer]

I don't think you are selfish & i sure as hell won't judge you. I know that by me having no kids makes it so much easier for me, so no i have nothing but respect.

Thank you so much. I was nervous even telling about having a child because, I've been bashed in the past on another forum for it. Thank you kind soul.

 

[Letmego. Please]

You should never be bashed or hurt because you are a mother, its only in this ideal world where the love of a child heals all, it doesn't for a lot of people, i have a good friend who struggles with the same. Hugs

 

[Jiva]

My backbone is sick, it hurts me. I wanted die many times and prepared all for my hanging. But i don't have courage.

 

[rik]

I'm here looking for a reliable method to ctb.
Being sexually abused as a child and young boy destroyed me mentally.
The pervert is an uncle and our justice system left him alone because the facts have been aged too long (not sure on the English term on that).
He never stopped, there are more victims but no one seems to care at justice (again the 'waited too long' explanation).
I sometimes bump into him on family meetings, etc ... and I know he enjoys that
I've never had any sort of relationship, not even kissed someone, no friends.
Only reason i'm waiting to ctb is because of my parents : they would be devastated, and I cannot to that to them.
Never been happy at all.
I'm living in a fantasy world, trying to escape reality but it is so hard to even tell that to professional helpers : so much unbelief or the "try to get over it' responses.
Thanks for reading, I feel at home here.

 

[Going Home]

Because of Dr. Dan, Joseph Emmannuel of Amsterdam, NY, James Nelligar, Cohoes, NY, Angelo Santa Barbara, Amsterdam, NY, Damita Russell, Harlem, NY and the rest of the lynchmob on their witch hunt.

 

[Threads]

I think I will record a vocaroo for this.

 

[Going Home]

Mary Peck, OPWDD, State of New York

 

[RainAndSadness]

I came here to find a method and thanks to very genuine people, of which some have left already, I found one.

There are several reasons why I want to leave. I'm trans and that's the most important reason for me. Life like this, in a body that causes so much distress isn't worth living for me. It's gonna haunt me for the rest of my life and that's very exhausting. You're constantly in a conflict with yourself and the social consequences if you decide to transition can be very severe. Gender dysphoria also can't be cured, only treated and I don't think I will ever be happy while suffering from gender dysphoria. So I've decided against this life and that's a very essential reason for me to leave. I'm also suffering from depression since my youth and I turned suicidal the first time when I was 14 years old, which leads back to severe bullying back in school. This caused social anxiety, that's another reason why I want to leave. I barely leave the house anymore and I try to avoid it at all costs. It's very stressful for me to go outside and deal with people. And I'm also living in poverty. It's very difficult for me to find work and working under my conditions would be very difficult anyway. I burn out really fast. That's why I'm here. And I really appreciate talking to people that are in a similar situation/mindset like me.

 

[Trashcan]

I'm here because it's so nice to be able to openly discuss methods. I can also vent and people are so kind and empathetic. I can vent and be my true self, and not worry about being admitted to the mental hospital. People on here also understand the survival instinct. I think that will be my biggest barrier to ctb. This place is more therapeutic than therapy ever was.

 

[Miss clefable]

I came here to find a method and thanks to very genuine people, of which some have left already, I found one.

There are several reasons why I want to leave. I'm trans and that's the most important reason for me. Life like this, in a body that causes so much distress isn't worth living for me. It's gonna haunt me for the rest of my life and that's very exhausting. You're constantly in a conflict with yourself and the social consequences if you decide to transition can be very severe. Gender dysphoria also can't be cured, only treated and I don't think I will ever be happy while suffering from gender dysphoria. So I've decided against this life and that's a very essential reason for me to leave. I'm also suffering from depression since my youth and I turned suicidal the first time when I was 14 years old, which leads back to severe bullying back in school. This caused social anxiety, that's another reason why I want to leave. I barely leave the house anymore and I try to avoid it at all costs. It's very stressful for me to go outside and deal with people. And I'm also living in poverty. It's very difficult for me to find work and working under my conditions would be very difficult anyway. I burn out really fast. That's why I'm here. And I really appreciate talking to people that are in a similar situation/mindset like me.

Hugs I can relate to all of this

 

[stargazer]

i've been delayed due to no contact from a potential who's posted in the appropriate partner's megathread, and if not them, then still awaiting someone from the partner's megathread, to see my posts who is local. I know I'm a failure in life, when even taking my own life, is almost out of my reach. Sigh.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I suppose more group therapy, I don't have a serious plan to CTB, though I am quite dysfunctional I know, without DXM I am often quite depressed and PTSD-ish ridden. On 225 mg dxm atm, once the nausea subsided (I do not have a genetic deficiency in the enzyme to process the chemicals), I feel I have a bit of clarity and calm. This must be an artificial form of meditation. Sorry got off track, but yeah more group therapy for me <3

 

[StillWaiting]

I didn't really have a plan to ctb when I first joined this forum. But after being here for awhile, i realize those painless methods people usually mentioned are out of reach for me.So it makes me feel kinda lost but at the same time knowing people who can genuinely understand how you feel and don't sugar coat about life is quite comforting

 

[Threads]

Hello everyone. It's your friendly neighborhood moderator.

I just read the poll options and changed them.

We do NOT allow encouragement of any kind.

As per our rules.

Encouraging: Do not encourage users to carry out acts of any nature, only provide advice.

This forum exists to provide support, not encouragement. We are pro-choice here, not pro-suicide. Please be aware of this, and report anyone who encourages anyone to commit any sort of act of any kind.

Thanks.

Threads

 

[divinized]

To talk to people who feel the same way as I do. I guess my story is I haven't really enjoyed anything in my life over the past four years. My parents split and I'm currently having problems with my mother, I have anxiety about everything and I feel like I just burden everyone else. That's pretty much why I'm here and why I want to ctb.

 

[Sinbad]

The idea of killing myself is ridiculous. Absurd! No one in my family or my friends family committed suicide. Like it doesn't exist.

But here I find like-minded souls longing for death. Here, I can open up and read about others fates. This website is my comfort zone.