Discussion Why are you going to ctb?

[Sniffer]

I have a beautiful wife and two now healthy kids but the road since they were born premature at 23 weeks gestation with 5% chance of survival has destroyed me. I had a nervous breakdown due to exhaustion, sleep induced psychosis that led to profound anxiety.

Ultimately, this all led to me developing the most severe Tinnitus and Ear Myoclonus. Every day is now torture.

I'm lucky in that my wife and kids have huge family plus friends network and are financially set up for life.

That gives me peace.

I have exhausted all treatment options and zoomed with the worlds best researchers. There is no cure in sight for a decade.

I'd rather leave now when my children are at an age where they will only have tenuous (or any) memory of me than have them see me suffer and then ctb at an age that will have a far more profound effect on them.

It is the only logical action. Wish me luck.

I'm grateful that my children are healthy. I asked the universe to take me instead of them every night by their incubator.

Now it's time to pay the debt. I can't continue to suffer like this.

Peace and love to all.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I have never wanted to live at all. To me, life itself is enough of a reason to want to die. I think that it's horrifying that such a thing as life even exists. I want to die as I don't see life to be worth living at all. There is no point to suffering for decades just to die eventually. Life is basically just endless problems and misery, and non existence is ideal as it is freedom from everything that's wrong with life. Nothing can hurt us when we are dead. There is no peace or relief in this life and escaping this life is what makes sense for me.

 

[gcso]

My parents destroyed my childhood and adolescence and left me abandoned at my grandparents' house in a dirty and messy living room while I have to put up with ultra conservative seniors who don't even have a TV at home. Only boredom and the will to die reigns. Other than that, there's also the fact of nihilism, pessimism, ugliness and being a civilian from a third world country.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I am professionally incompetant…

 

[want2dienow]

anguishfailure dreams mockery
slug chronic pain caused by countless pills and doses

 

[MountainMonkey]

Crypto crash. Lost everything. My life of living in tent and climbing mountains is over. The thought of returning to society and starting from scratch is not an option. Severe anxiety. CTB to the rescue

 

[legozone]

Everything after childhood just kinda (really) sucks and I don't feel like living through any more of it.

 

[Coffeebean77]

Deep loneliness, self-hatred, a sense of inferiority and inadequacy, social isolation exacerbated by a recent breakup, social awkwardness, hating my job, constant money anxiety and the failures of many hospital stays, treatment and medications.

 

[Sadboyspecimen]

Because I am a coward and I always have been. Life isn't fun for me. I am seen both physically and mentally as a pussy. When you have had a girlfriend that even calls you out for being a pussy, you will understand what it is like to be me. There is no greater shame than this. But I cannot change and I have given myself more than enough chances. I just quit my job bc one of my coworkers was calling me gay and saying that I dress up in women's clothing. This is not the first time that this has happened. I have had over 10 different jobs in my lifetime (I'm 24) and all of them I have been disrespected like this by the people I work with. What is the point in living if nobody around you sees you as adequate even when you're trying harder than anyone else to be so? I got bullied all throughout highschool with the impression that once I graduated and got out to the "real world" that things will get better. Well let me tell you something. There is no difference. High school is the real world. And if you didn't fit in there. You will not fit in anywhere else.

 

[GasMonkey]

Ear Myoclonus

Objective Tinnitus? That's so rarre.
I have subjetive Tinnitus.

 

[Sniffer]

Objective Tinnitus? That's so rarre.
I have subjetive Tinnitus.

I have both unfortunately. Yea I have a subset of MEM which has only 200 documented cases. No sob story. So many on here have terrible physical and mental torment otherwise we wouldn't be here would we!

Hopefully fight on as long as I can and maybe there will be a cure for our subjective Tinnitus. That would ease the burden significantly.

 

[tser1073]

Can't stop reliving trauma. I just want a day where I feel truly safe and I can't have that on Earth

 

[Ander]

In my case, I dont have any good reason for live. Every day is grey, sad and painfull. I have a several anxiety-depressed disorder. Im tired of living at this way. I know is time to stop.

 

[ConnectionLost]

I hate myself. I was bullied as a child, making me anxious. I hardly make friends, and when i do, i feel like they are better friends with someone else. I expercience happier times, but it always comes back to depression and loneliness.

 

[7b48hl]

I have a beautiful wife and two now healthy kids but the road since they were born premature at 23 weeks gestation with 5% chance of survival has destroyed me. I had a nervous breakdown due to exhaustion, sleep induced psychosis that led to profound anxiety.

Ultimately, this all led to me developing the most severe Tinnitus and Ear Myoclonus. Every day is now torture.

I'm lucky in that my wife and kids have huge family plus friends network and are financially set up for life.

That gives me peace.

I have exhausted all treatment options and zoomed with the worlds best researchers. There is no cure in sight for a decade.

I'd rather leave now when my children are at an age where they will only have tenuous (or any) memory of me than have them see me suffer and then ctb at an age that will have a far more profound effect on them.

It is the only logical action. Wish me luck.

I'm grateful that my children are healthy. I asked the universe to take me instead of them every night by their incubator.

Now it's time to pay the debt. I can't continue to suffer like this.

Peace and love to all.

Reap what you sow

 

[GasMonkey]

Hopefully fight on as long as I can and maybe there will be a cure for our subjective Tinnitus. That would ease the burden significantly.

Took me around 2 years to fully habituate, nowadays I don't care about it at all (6 years in). Induced by the classical loud noise exposure while being stressed at the same time (overtrainning + hypogonadism in my case), (and yes it's loud and a bazillion different sounds).

I have several family/friends with T and they have never cared about it at all (most of them didn't even know that that sound has a medical name ).

 

[Conker]

Nothing was worth it ultimately, even in a perfect body it would only be delaying the inevitable.
These fallen worlds are just too overwhelmingly miserable..

Neither side is sacred
No one wants to win
Feeling so sedated from chemtrails
We all just give in to 5G​

 

[Lifeless mindset]

I don't feel like I belong here.

 

[popcorn1234]

My life sucks, which is why I want to CTB.

 

[iwanttodie1]

People around me have absolutely ruined me mentally and physically

 

[lionetta12]

C-PTSD and people is my reason.

 

[want2dienow]

anguishfailure dreams mockery
slug chronic pain caused by countless pills and doses

+
every time i do something wrong i get hit. i want a find my way out, not this. but i wish sometimes one will put me in coma; the closet i'll ever get to death

 

[Dead Meat]

Because I'm a disabled POS that should of never been born in the first place

 

[TheLastK]

I have a long term illness, I fell like the friends that haven't abandoned me will soon, and I've never had a serious romantic relationship, and that makes me feel really pathetic. I probably wouldn't ctb if I found love, but I'm not hopeful of that.

 

[outatime_85]

I am obsolete.

Add to that the guilt over letting certain things happen to me in my youth and not fighting back; a belief that I will never be "good enough," that I have no worth or value, a lack of intelligence, nightmares every night, and ruminating.

Furthermore, because humans are social by nature, and I live in solitude, society no longer regards me as normal, and anything non-conforming is deemed defective (Persona Non Grata).

It's kind of hard to continue the fight when you think no one needs or wants you around.

 

[NightNight20]

I'm just so…tired. I don't know how to explain it. Tired of everything. Tired of waking up, working, cleaning, driving, eating, crying existing and I'm too tired to make it better. I just want to not exist. I cannot even begin to imagine going another 50 years

 

[Surgeon]

might be fun

 

[nys]

I hate myself because I couldn't stop the abuse that was inflicted on me as a child, even though it would be very easy to just tell someone. What also contributes to my self-hatred is the fact that not only did I not stop the abuse, but to leave home, I put myself into more dangerous situations by selling myself. I don't know if it's because of the abuse or just my brain, but I can't socialize and I have no friends. I never have. No one likes me and most people I see every day at school don't even know I exist. If I died they wouldn't even notice.

I used to have a future to live for, but now I don't even have that. When I was younger, I always wanted to grow up and be a doctor who saved lives, and get married and have kids. Now I realize that even my "ideal" future plan is flawed and it won't let me escape my pain. What if I make a small error as a doctor and kill someone? How would I live with that? What if I married someone abusive? And if they weren't abusive, I would love them, so how would I cope with their death? If my kids somehow died before me, how could I keep living? And how could I bring more people into the world in the first place, knowing I was now the reason for all their suffering since I was the one who gave them life?

In the end, the reason I'm going to ctb is the same as a lot of other people's reasons: there's so many reasons to go and none to stay.

 

[foreverfalling]

Life is just suffering. If not from being exploited by other people, by a failing body, or by your own mind reliving the past, and worrying about the future. Everyday is just struggling to survive, a tedium of the same repetitive tasks to make sure you can do it again the next day. There is nothing to look forward to, because it is all meaningless anyway. No one to even be able to talk about this. And I know it doesn't get better, because I've felt this way since a child. I still have my family now, but when they go, there will be absolutely no one that will take care of or help me in any way. That's when I'll need a way out, or be slowly picked off by vultures.

 

[je.suis.prêt]

I am just fed up. At 23 I feel that I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for, and nothing to offer.

Part of me wants to do better and 'recover', but I can't shake the exhaustion and weight on my mind. I want to do things and move forward, but I've lost all interest and drive to do so — I feel doubly useless because I can't even be consistent in my recovery efforts.

My problems seem smaller to others on here — i.e. terminal illness, disfigurement, etc… — but I still feel so depressed constantly.

If I had access to any of the peaceful methods on here, I would have seriously thought about doing so.