
itswhatits
it won't give up, it wants me dead
- Sep 12, 2024
- 20
I think maybe we're drawn to suicide because it's simple. Me, I got so many different things wrong with my life, it feels impossible to even get started on fixing it. I work on one thing, I feel guilty for not working on another. I clean my room, why aren't I talking to friends? I talk to friends, why aren't I looking for a better job? I look for a better job, why aren't I learning how to drive? and so on, and so forth. It strangles you, makes any progress you make feel worthless, so why not just cut the problems off at the source?
Still, though, I'm not satisfied by suicide as an answer for me. On some level, I still like life, and I still want to live a life that makes me happy, and that makes other people happy to be a part of. I just don't know what the answer to that question is for me. I want something that's as radical of a break from my current life as suicide would be. I want to just fuck off out of the trap of modern life and find something absolutely new to do with this flesh, this blood, this mind. I used to have this fantasy, back when I was working in the garden center at Wal-Mart, of leaving everything behind and riding my bike for miles and miles, going through all 50 US states. Maybe someday.
Still, though, I'm not satisfied by suicide as an answer for me. On some level, I still like life, and I still want to live a life that makes me happy, and that makes other people happy to be a part of. I just don't know what the answer to that question is for me. I want something that's as radical of a break from my current life as suicide would be. I want to just fuck off out of the trap of modern life and find something absolutely new to do with this flesh, this blood, this mind. I used to have this fantasy, back when I was working in the garden center at Wal-Mart, of leaving everything behind and riding my bike for miles and miles, going through all 50 US states. Maybe someday.