Venting why am i talking to him if im never going to see him again?

[Life_and_Death]

i havent seen my friend in 5...6 years. and i cant see that changing any time soon. my husband doesnt even want me talking to him because hes an ex but he treats me better then him at times sooo, plus why should i have to suffer and not be happy. but not even that, i told him everything and now just the thought of talking on the phone makes me feel physically sick. i destroyed everything...like i always do. and lately ive dissociated from him so (no offense but) hes just like you now. just another name on a screen. he says we wont ever stop talking but i wonder why we still do :(

 

[NumbItAll]

It sounds like you still have a special connection, so I can see why you would still talk to him. Why do you feel sick about it?

 

[Life_and_Death]

It sounds like you still have a special connection, so I can see why you would still talk to him. Why do you feel sick about it?

Because he knows everything. He knows too much. To be able to know how I broken I am.... I just can't

 

[Ghost2211]

If you want or need to distance from him then do so. It sounds like that will be a difficult process for you, but you’re also saying it’s what you need/want.

 

[MindFog]

Maybe you explain to him that you need space? If he's a good friend he'll understand it if you tell it's making you feel anxiety.

He might be sticking around because he think you'll need the support (you did tell he knows your situation). Just tell him you need to breathe. Don't force yourself too much for other people, ok?

 

[Life_and_Death]

@RoseyBird @MindFog
It's not so much that I want to distance myself from him, I'd love to get closer to him but I cant. Between my husband freaking out and me having a massive panic attack (that he knows about but never personally seen) I just cant. Back when we hung out he knew I was suicidal he assumed I was being abused but that that was it. Aside from my period cycle there really isn't much he doesn't know now. And to have someone know about all of my problems all of my thoughts, yeah he knows them too because when it gets unmanageable I'll message him and in my messages my voices will be arguing with each other until I scream FUCK OFF AND SHUT UP!!!! I just feel.... Insane and for someone I look up to and admire to actually see me like that even if it's not visual at the time he still knows its going on inside my head..... That's just too much anxiety. I just cant. I use to call him occasionally when I had the chance and I can't even do that now. I tried using vrchat where we could see each other but not and I still had massive anxiety. Even with my husband aside if I did have the chance to see him again..... I just couldn't.... I ruined everything. And it doesn't matter how long I "have my space" hell remember I'm broken and I'll remember he knows.