Why am I such a fucking coward

[Muirthemne]

I've had SN and AE for months. I've written my note. I even had a date picked out. Then the day came and I just... didn't do it. I keep trying to convince myself to do it. I spent all of this morning trying to psych myself up for it, but eventually I just broke down and had lunch.

I don't understand why I can't make myself go through with it. Just SI, I guess? I have nothing at all to live for. Every day is a waking nightmare of loneliness and self-loathing. I've lost everything that matters to me. I've ruined my life beyond all hope of repair. It's never going to get any better. I fought so hard for so many years trying to get better, but things have only gotten worse. They're still getting worse. They'll never stop getting worse.

The only way this nightmare stops is if I end it all, but I can't because I'm just too much of a spineless fucking coward. I'm such a miserable failure I can't even die properly.

I hate myself so much.

 

[Smudgedlines]

You really are not a miserable failure. It's a huge decision and you have SI to fight. Maybe whatever is holding you back is worth listening to for a while? You shouldn't beat yourself up for failing to oppose everything you are set up to do from birth...ie live.

 

[fastFWD]

sorry to hear of your trouble friend. don't feel too bad though; you are not alone in your desire to go but being unable to; it's quite common. do you think there is anything that is holding you back? like have you ruled out trying everything to turn around your situation around that might be in the back of your mind, like a glimmer of hope that is still there? nevertheless i really hope you find some kind of respite in this cruel world while you are here and wish you luck moving forward.

 

[Moonbounce]

My own day is coming soon. I'm not sure how I will act when I decide the day is right but you certainly aren't any less than anyone else for feeling this way. Actively harming oneself goes against the brain's natural state unless that state has been altered in some way. As has been explained it is the SI. I expect to have to a degree too... Am I nervous yes. I'm right there with you.

 

[rt1989526]

This is very normal, you aren't alone in this. Dont beat yourself up for it.

 

[Bruces]

I feel very much the same I know in my heart of hearts there's absolutely nothing to live for but I can't go through with it!

 

[Muirthemne]

do you think there is anything that is holding you back? like have you ruled out trying everything to turn around your situation around that might be in the back of your mind, like a glimmer of hope that is still there?

Nah, it's hopeless. Even if I could find some effective treatment for my mental health issues -- and nothing's made a difference so far -- I'm so far behind in life at this point there's no chance of ever catching up. My life has been well and truly ruined. I'm still seeking treatment, but it's strictly palliative care. I'm just trying to lessen the pain in the moment. I know there's no chance of anything ever truly changing. All my dreams are dead and buried.

 

[Emily123]

You are not a coward . suicide is difficult specially when there's too much uncertainty about the the method . i still don't dare to ctb by SN. i may be able to do it in future

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

The only way this nightmare stops is if I end it all, but I can't because I'm just too much of a spineless fucking coward. I'm such a miserable failure I can't even die properly.

I hate myself so much.

1. I feel you. It's almost like I could've written this myself. You are not alone in feeling this. A lot of people here share in your sentiments.

2. You are not a "spineless fucking coward." Dying is hard. Even acquiring the materials takes strength. Sharing your feelings on a site like this takes courage. Your inability to ctb this far is not a sign of weakness.

3. If I might offer a proposition for why you haven't done it yet... perhaps there's a glimmer of hope for you? It may not be very big, but maybe it's there. I know that's the case for me. The odds of me having a positive life beyond today are so tiny, but in those moments of decision, I perhaps wonder, "But what if..."

I hope you find peace in some way, but I also hope you are at peace with yourself and don't think negatively because you haven't ctb yet. I promise you, no one on this site will ever judge you because of that.

 

[missingpeace]

I'm exactly at where your at.. days come and go but my attempts won't go past the first 3 seconds.. I just want to hang myself already.. and get out of this shit show that is my life.. there's nothing left here for me.. wonder when that day will come that I'll be finally dead.

 

[Brokensoulwalking]

You are anything but a coward.

It sounds like you are conflicted on death but also struggling with life. It's a shitty place to be. As for your dreams they will never be dead and buried you just chase them at your own pace.

Your mental health I cannot advise you on, I am not qualified, I live in my own torment but don't have an answer.

You have options mainly two.

Life - find what is causing your pain and try to address it. I know you feel you have ruined your life, but if you are at the bottom the only way is up. You are not weak cause you choose to carry on living, it's one of the most difficult things we go through everyday. The strength to get out of bed and live our lives carrying the weight of our pain every step. You aren't a coward cause you have chosen to stay on this path.

Death - if you choose to CTB, this is also understandable. But make sure you are of clear mind and its what you want, not impulsive. Put your affairs in order, enjoy your last days, and step into the unknown.

I hope which ever you choose you find comfort in your decision.

 

[hamtaro]

You are anything but a coward.

It sounds like you are conflicted on death but also struggling with life. It's a shitty place to be. As for your dreams they will never be dead and buried you just chase them at your own pace.

Your mental health I cannot advise you on, I am not qualified, I live in my own torment but don't have an answer.

You have options mainly two.

Life - find what is causing your pain and try to address it. I know you feel you have ruined your life, but if you are at the bottom the only way is up. You are not weak cause you choose to carry on living, it's one of the most difficult things we go through everyday. The strength to get out of bed and live our lives carrying the weight of our pain every step. You aren't a coward cause you have chosen to stay on this path.

Death - if you choose to CTB, this is also understandable. But make sure you are of clear mind and its what you want, not impulsive. Put your affairs in order, enjoy your last days, and step into the unknown.

I hope which ever you choose you find comfort in your decision.

This thread is from 2020 and user was last seen in 2021.

I'm exactly at where your at.. days come and go but my attempts won't go past the first 3 seconds.. I just want to hang myself already.. and get out of this shit show that is my life.. there's nothing left here for me.. wonder when that day will come that I'll be finally dead.

This thread is from 2020 and user was last seen 2021.