Venting Why am I stupid

[angelcircuit]

I keep getting scheduled less and less hours each week at work, and I can't help but think its because of my "obvious mood swings" or because I keep having breakdowns over the stupidest shit and getting sent home over it. It's pathetic. All I do is clean the dishes and ring people up at drive thru, and they're 4-6 hour shifts. My coworkers, my friends, and my siblings have much more daunting work and have 8+ hour shifts, and I break within four hours because someone asked for a veteran's discount and I get too scared to use the headset and talk over everyone so I have to find the manager and interrupt him as he's working and at that point everyone is irritated with me because I'm a lost puppy that always keeps calling someone for everything because I'm too pathetic to figure it out myself.

Maybe I really am not suited to work. Despite everything screaming at me that it would be a horrible idea to have a job when I can't even attend school most weeks, I got one anyway because I needed the money and maybe even a temporary escape from my room since it practically became a place I wouldn't leave for a month or two on end until I had to go outside (yeah chronically online point and laugh). Maybe I'm just not meant for life all together.

I think a lot of people agree with the idea that the world failed them, and that's why they want out. The world punishes them for existing, so why bother living? And I agree, but... honestly I feel like I failed the world instead. More specifically what it wanted me to be, and what I didn't become.

If I kept my mouth shut as a kid and kept identifying as a girl, maybe I would have half the trauma I have now. Socially, emotionally, and physically. I didn't think people could be so cruel when it came to such things I thought didn't matter so much, but even today I get talks from my dad at least once a week explaining why I'm not actually trans and simply brainwashed. I wonder if I said nothing and kept going on pretending then my dad would love me more and he wouldn't have hurt me so much. Maybe if I was just a good kid and a good person in general I wouldn't have been left with broken bones and bruises that will handicap me for the rest of my life.

All I wanted was love and acceptance for who I was born as, for who I'm discovering myself as, and for all the extra sides of me that are hopping along for the ride. I wanted my parents to tell me they loved me and meant it, not silently hoping or wishing to change things about me that doesn't fit into their mold. But because of who I am and what I experience I have been deprived of so much for most of my life and ridiculed instead.

Why am I stupid? Why can't I be a normal girl who has one single, solid identity and has hobbies that would actually make me a stable income? Why, instead, do I have to fall behind so early on from burnout and lose everything with it? My school life, my dignity, my hopes and dreams. My parents don't expect anything from me anymore because my younger siblings have far surpassed me from where I am ever since I was little, and as I crumble further and further my siblings remain tall and proud.

At least they'll do something with their life like going to college and having a well-paying job and whatever, while I cry over the fact I can't discern a quarter from a nickel on most days and that will be the rest of my life because I'll never graduate high school. I'm surprised I'm not even fired yet, I have caused a public scene once because of a panic attack. I'm only around because they need someone to operate first window or an extra person to do the dishes, I'm sure when they hire a new person I'll be let go. At least I bought my SN.

It sucks though because my parents also absolutely refuse to take me to a doctor unless if I have a problem they consider "necessary" so I'll have to save up for an uber and an appointment and make some excuse to get meto. Worst case I use ondansetron, which I know is like next to useless but its better than nothing.

Man I really hate myself.

 

[halleyscomet]

I really feel for you. I'm the same, I can't work more than 4 hour shifts or I have a complete meltdown. I had to take a break from school due to the amount of meltdowns I would have. I hope things get better for you.

 

[Malaria]

I ask myself this same question everyday

 

[LaughingGoat]

I'm sorry to hear you don't feel like you've ever been accepted and the pain that's caused. I imagine your parents may not be supportive, but have you gone to any type of therapy? It sounds like you have an understanding of the trauma you've experienced and how that's effect you which is incredibly important, but a therapist could help you with strategies to work through some of that. It's admirable you got a job despite knowing there would be challenges so you clearly have fight in you, sometimes it's just that we need help in managing our disorders.

 

[untothedepths]

Please do not blame yourself, especially since you are working so hard up against the environment and making yourself vulnerable when the wounds on your soul are still so fresh. I think you are so strong, OP. Even if you cry and feel anxious, you are still trying. Anyone who is overly aggressive or rude to you is just another victim of the system. The system is a ouroboros of exploitation, indifference, and a huge pyramid scheme for the ultra wealthy. People are just trying to do what they can for the scraps they can get to survive, but that DOES NOT make it okay to treat you with any sort of disrespect. In fact, it's even more sad that people cannot try to show compassion for their co-workers since we are all screwed in this shitty system. I wish I could give you advice on how to bounce back. The only thing I can think of is to hopefully see a psychiatrist for some sort of anxiety medication, if it can help.

As for your parents, fuck them. I hate to say it. That type of behavior only angers me. Even if you have a disagreement with your child, you should always still love and show them compassion, especially if they are just trans. I don't ever see how I could hate my child because of something like that, or try to change them drastically because of it.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I've been in the restaurant biz for a quarter of a century and can tell you that it can easily drive you insane and make you feel like you're stupid when in fact you are not. Restaurants, even corporate ones rarely have bullet-proof, systematic ways of doing things and have many moving parts. Constant chaos. Add to that, customers that are getting more and more unruly by the year that want instant gratification and you have the perfect environment for anyone with various personality disorders such as OCD, ADHD or high-functioning anxiety to fail. Most people that thrive working in a restaurant environment simply just don't care.

I can make sushi all day, non-stop with no problem. But the second I have to interact with customers...I'm done. I hate it.

TLDR: You're not stupid. Restaurants just probably aren't for you.

 

[fleetingnight]

I think a lot of people agree with the idea that the world failed them, and that's why they want out. The world punishes them for existing, so why bother living? And I agree, but... honestly I feel like I failed the world instead. More specifically what it wanted me to be, and what I didn't become.

I hope you don't mind me saying it, and you're valid in however you feel about your life, but all this still sounds like the world failing you to me. Having emotions isn't a failure. Getting overwhelmed by your emotions isn't a failure. Having trauma isn't a failure. Being transgender isn't a failure, but transphobes are failing everybody by treating people so terribly all for something that doesn't hurt or even affect anyone. And a world that allows people to suffer for who they are or their emotions is failing those people, who definitely deserve better. (I'm not assuming you believe those things make other people failures, though. It's different talking about yourself, I understand that.)

 

[angelcircuit]

Hello.

There are many replies I would like to respond to, but unfortunately I don't have the time right now. Thank you to everyone's kind words.

Someone mentioned about me trying therapy. We have been doing counseling in school since we were little. Each time we talked to a counselor something would be said that revealed the abuse at home and then CPS would arrive. I wouldnt understand what I was doing wrong since I was a kid and didn't understand what happened at home wasn't normal, but each time my parents would get away with it and I would be hurt as punishment. We moved everytime the government got involved in some way, which led us to move about once a year (five times within a year at one point).

After a few years of fighting we got actual therapy about four years ago, which has been on and off since due to moving a lot and having to fight to get yet another therapist each time. Most of the time it was mandated anyway so we were lucky. We've only been on medication once, and it's around the time when our account was made. It didn't really work and we were forced off it shortly.

I was recently seeing a psychiatrist but something happened that caused us to lose contact. We don't have therapy or any professional help anymore, and unfortunately I don't see that changing anytime soon. Sorry for the long response.

- Lain