Why Am I Still Here?

[JJ-NOHOPE]

i don't do anything.
Stay In bed most days.
Drink.
Have no one.
Have no hope.
Have my N. Could leave anytime.

And yet. Here I am.
Day after day. Hour after agonizing hour.


What the f@#$ is wrong with me?

 

[JustAboutDone]

Sometimes it's too exhausting to live and it's too exhausting to die. Both need mental and physical energy. That's why when people start on anti-depressants they can be more likely to ctb; either due to the chemicals or suddenly having the energy to do it.

Don't beat yourself up xx

 

[tevati]

That part with N now i am jealous.

Just let you time or try it spontanious.

 

[Dead_Inside]

Your not alone in that feeling. Think that was kind of the thought I had when I tried to just drunkenly hang myself this fall.... what the fuck was I waiting for? Everyone else just kills themselves so easily.... how was it I fucking failed? Fuck it I have some rope ....
But there are lots of reasons both physiological and mental that prevent us from dying.
And life is uncooperative- you want to die it tries to keep you here. You have a beautiful life and want to stay? Tries to take you out constantly.
I know that just isn't what you need to hear. I don't know what to say - I want to tell you that things are going to get better or maybe you are still waiting for something .... what can one suicidal person say to another?
Only that I know you and you know me- we burn in the same hell- the only comfort is companionship.

 

[Retched]

What you are going through, I know all too well. And after a failed attempt and now having other methods at my fingertips I still seem to be here day after excruciating day. Minute after minute.

 

[N-IsMyHope]

Me too. I do nothing all day, I just lay in bed thinking about ctb and watching the clock waiting for bed time to come. It's been like this more than 3 months already. I still can't decide what I'm going to do.

I wish I have no one. I have n but I'm keep telling myself I can't do it. I worry about my mother, my sister and my dogs... I can't leave them. They absolutely need me but I want to die. I don't want to live but I can't die because of them. I wish I have nobody. It will make my life a lot easier.

 

[Retched]

Me too. I do nothing all day, I just lay in bed thinking about ctb and watching the clock waiting for bed time to come. It's been like this more than 3 months already. I still can't decide what I'm going to do.

I wish I have no one. I have n but I'm keep telling myself I can't do it. I worry about my mother, my sister and my dogs... I can't leave them. They absolutely need me but I want to die. I don't want to live but I can't die because of them. I wish I have nobody. It will make my life a lot easier.

While I don't have N, I appreciate you sharing this. If I didn't have to work I would be in bed and watch the clock as well. I spend all my waking moments thinking about ctb for three months as well. I wish that I had more in my head. I was just wondering today if i am the only one who does this. I am sorry you are in the same head space that I am in. It is a terrible place to be.

 

[Final Escape]

i don't do anything.
Stay In bed most days.
Drink.
Have no one.
Have no hope.
Have my N. Could leave anytime.

And yet. Here I am.
Day after day. Hour after agonizing hour.


What the f@#$ is wrong with me?

U even have your N? Guess you're just not quite at breaking point yet. If I had N I don't know if I'd still be here. But maybe if I got it I wouldn't do it either and chicken out who knows.

 

[sesamebeandclxviii]

I'm only 20 and that's pretty much how I feel. While everyone else my age is usually attending college, working some job or whatever, I'm an unemployed high school dropout who drinks and sleeps in till the afternoon hours.

 

[Kingkelly]

Your not alone definitely. I have my sn to cbt and life keeps throwing messed up stuff my way forcing Me to either deal with it or Ctb. RN eternal sleep sounds great. If I had n I'd prob take it when I got home. Haven't slept really since last wed I'm on the edge

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

i don't do anything.
Stay In bed most days.
Drink.
Have no one.
Have no hope.
Have my N. Could leave anytime.

And yet. Here I am.
Day after day. Hour after agonizing hour.


What the f@#$ is wrong with me?

I have trazodone but don't think I have enough to OD to death on it but I would prefer a painless or shotgun blast to the back of the skull but I am still here too I don't plan on CTB anymore but deep within my mind I think I really do but my body won't cooperate since don't have a partner and he rightfully changed his mind for his kid while I more or less am doing it for my family and friends the thought process of suicide isn't gonna go away I already know I must be addicted to suicidal thoughts or something.

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

What you are going through, I know all too well. And after a failed attempt and now having other methods at my fingertips I still seem to be here day after excruciating day. Minute after minute.

I don't have a method or partner anymore I do have some trazodone but don't think I have enough to OD to death on it plus it would be painful the reason why I can't kill myself is internal reasons such as survival instincts and for family and friends the mind always wants to die but the body doesn't cooperate.

 

[Retched]

I don't have a method or partner anymore I do have some trazodone but don't think I have enough to OD to death on it plus it would be painful the reason why I can't kill myself is internal reasons such as survival instincts and for family and friends the mind always wants to die but the body doesn't cooperate.

I understand.

 

[throwaway123]

i don't do anything.
Stay In bed most days.
Drink.
Have no one.
Have no hope.
Have my N. Could leave anytime.

And yet. Here I am.
Day after day. Hour after agonizing hour.


What the f@#$ is wrong with me?

same here.... :(((

 

[throwaway123]

Sometimes it's too exhausting to live and it's too exhausting to die. Both need mental and physical energy. That's why when people start on anti-depressants they can be more likely to ctb; either due to the chemicals or suddenly having the energy to do it.

Don't beat yourself up xx

That's interesting...are there other ways to get the energy?

 

[JustAboutDone]

That's interesting...are there other ways to get the energy?

I think if you start a new regime, for some people anyways, and you believe it may be The Answer, you can feel a renewed hope and feel energy to do things you didn't before.

 

[21Neberg]

i don't do anything.
Stay In bed most days.
Drink.
Have no one.
Have no hope.
Have my N. Could leave anytime.

And yet. Here I am.
Day after day. Hour after agonizing hour.


What the f@#$ is wrong with me?

Well, just because you have the way out of this misery does not have to mean that you should take it. If you're feeling like CTB isn't the way to go and that there is hope for you, then by all means go for it. I'll be happy for you.

 

[2 be or not]

...

What the f@#$ is wrong with me?

Your name says you have no hope but your subconsciousness is saying you do?

 

[msexit]

I also ask myself that everyday. I overcame so much in my life, only to end up a ruined wreck now.