Virsus

Virsus

Member
Sep 7, 2024
18
I am 20 years old.
7 months ago I decided to commit suicide, I was going to go to the forest as far away from my place of residence and my family as possible, but before that I quit my job and take a break from my life for two months, and eventually I found the strength to find hope...

After at least a hundred forums on the topic of suicide, I could not find a place where I could write my thoughts and hopes, where I would be understood, where there would be people like me. But at one point I came across this forum, and I realized that this is the very place...

About two weeks ago I began to have some strength to find a way to get out of this state, I was able to tell my relatives what I feel, a long conversation first with my brother, who was able to accept my problems and supported me, which is extremely surprising for me. Then a conversation with my sister, who, as it turned out, also has a huge number of problems in life and mental health, gave me hope. As a result, a conversation with the whole family, who are now trying to understand and support me. I visited a psychiatrist, who insisted on inpatient treatment, but I am not yet sure that this is worth doing, and I thought about returning my medications, maybe I will find hope. And even my father, who has been against hospitals all his life and especially against mental health treatment, supported me as best he could. I have no friends, no girlfriend, but at least my relatives are trying to understand me.

If this does not contradict the rules of the forum, I will write here my successes and thoughts about recovery, I think - I really need it ...

Today, at the last moment before closing the pharmacy, I was able to get out of bed and order 5 packs of antidepressants, and now I will gradually increase the dose to the maximum until I feel better, along the way I will try to change my lifestyle, and I hope I will be able to find hope.

Now I am sitting in my chair in my apartment fully dressed. I finally found the strength to go for a walk, smoked 6 cigarettes and will soon go outside. I think I'll walk for an hour or two, get at least some pleasure.

Then I plan to return home and hold out until the night without going to bed, to establish my routine and go to bed on time, I hope my recovery will begin here...
 
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Hollowman

Empty
Dec 14, 2021
1,275
Good luck with your recovery.
 
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Young.Werther

Student
Apr 11, 2023
152
It's a pro-choice forum, nothing wrong with choosing life. Good luck! (And how was the walk?)
 
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Virsus

Virsus

Member
Sep 7, 2024
18
Even if I don't take into account that I haven't walked for over 10 months, this walk still didn't do anything special. I could barely force myself to leave the house, and I wanted to go back all the time. I didn't feel anything special, everything was as always - neutral. I don't remember if it was ever different, maybe it was always like this. But in any case, I at least remembered what this night sky looks like.

I barely made it to 10 pm to go to bed on time, and ended up sleeping until 4 pm the next day, with a headache, like after a hangover. But at least I held on with all my might and managed.

In 8 days, antidepressants will come, maybe they will give me the strength to move on and start doing something, and not lie and sit all day, mindlessly scrolling through the news feed and videos that I forget after 10 minutes.

Today I plan to go to bed no later than 2am and get up no later than 1pm, I will gradually restore my daily routine. I am also thinking about going to an electronics store and thinking about buying a washing machine, although I really don't want to...
 
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Virsus

Virsus

Member
Sep 7, 2024
18
No goal was achieved, I hope I can cope next time. I tried to sleep for more than 4 hours, and finally looked at the clock and saw 6 o'clock and thought that I didn't want to continue trying. I was forced to go to my parents to help all day, and in the end I didn't get the washing machine, and all day I suffered from lack of sleep and a wild unwillingness to do anything, the next day I had to get up early to go help again, and so my whole life, I don't see any sense in what they do and why they even try to do anything in this life... I hope sooner or later everything will work out better.

My parents suggested going to church, and although I don't believe in God, maybe it can help me, I need to use any options. The day after tomorrow they will help me get there.

In two hours I plan to go to bed, and I hope that this time I won't lie in endless thoughts and anxiety until the morning, the regime needs to be restored.

After all my years, I'm starting to think that my condition may not be a curse, but a kind of "blessing", maybe the lack of emotions will allow me not to be distracted by emotional problems and start doing things to simply provide myself with a relatively easy life in the future, maybe if I can discipline myself, then I will start achieving something in life, but do I need it at all?

Tomorrow I will still try to get to the electronics store and maybe take another walk in the evening. I am sure that nothing happens on the first try, maybe I will gradually be able to clean up the apartment...
 
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Virsus

Virsus

Member
Sep 7, 2024
18
People say "What's in a person's house is in their head", in my head there is trash and dirt, a cat running around in panic, and the constant smell of cigarette smoke. Most of all in this situation I feel sorry for my cat, she didn't deserve this, I took her into my family, and in the end I make her breathe cigarette smoke, it's so unpleasant for me to realize this, but maybe sooner or later I will be able to remove the dirt from my head...
 
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Virsus

Virsus

Member
Sep 7, 2024
18
A week passed from the last message. I bought a washing machine and washed all the clothes that I had. I got out in the apartment, took out all the garbage, washed the apartment ... I even began to think that the condition is being improved, but now I think this is caused by the lack of work, I haven't been going to work for almost a month and a half, but even so I I feel tired of any load. I feel that I must be pleased with the work done, but this is not, there is only a feeling of absolute hopelessness. I am sure that if I return to work, I can stretch for no more than two months, and then again I will begin to actively think about suicide. I am absolutely lost, I don't know what to do. Today I took the medicines from the pharmacy and started the course of treatment, maybe they will help me. This vacation was important to me, maybe I can handle it. But my brain does not want to do anything exactly, and I myself do not understand why I should do something in this life ...
 
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5nicotine

5nicotine

Member
Jan 3, 2024
27
I'm really glad you were able to clean your apartment. That's such a huge improvement. Don't dismiss it. It's the first step and it'll help you keep your life organised for at least some time. At least feel good that your cat probably likes it.

I've finally found some meds that help my mood and other issues. There's a chance that your meds will also help and you'll slowly start feeling better. I'm glad that you've been posting in this thread for a few weeks now. It shows that you're at least hanging on long enough for the meds to start working.

I don't know about the future. A job is good for keeping your life in a routine. A miserable job will slowly kill you though as you seem to be expecting. What kind of job is it?

Do you have any hobbies to make life less miserable? Anything you like oe anything that could maybe function as some kind of meaning in life? I feel like that's the crux of the issue. What is the reason to keep living? You don't need to feel like you need to achieve something. The important thing is helping society function for other people. Usually through some kind of work. It's hard to understand if you're critical of yourself, but people are able to be happy with their lives just helping the world in small ways.

I feel like this is just platitudes, but I really want to support you and tell you that you're doing the right things on your road to recovery. Really really sorry about this post.
 
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cotton

cotton

If we could just re-focus...
Nov 6, 2024
50
I can't say or judge. But thank you for sharing,I found this journey to get the washing machine very real. I hope you and your cat are doing ok in your apartment x
 
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Virsus

Virsus

Member
Sep 7, 2024
18
I'm really glad you were able to clean your apartment. That's such a huge improvement. Don't dismiss it. It's the first step and it'll help you keep your life organised for at least some time. At least feel good that your cat probably likes it.

I've finally found some meds that help my mood and other issues. There's a chance that your meds will also help and you'll slowly start feeling better. I'm glad that you've been posting in this thread for a few weeks now. It shows that you're at least hanging on long enough for the meds to start working.

I don't know about the future. A job is good for keeping your life in a routine. A miserable job will slowly kill you though as you seem to be expecting. What kind of job is it?

Do you have any hobbies to make life less miserable? Anything you like oe anything that could maybe function as some kind of meaning in life? I feel like that's the crux of the issue. What is the reason to keep living? You don't need to feel like you need to achieve something. The important thing is helping society function for other people. Usually through some kind of work. It's hard to understand if you're critical of yourself, but people are able to be happy with their lives just helping the world in small ways.

I feel like this is just platitudes, but I really want to support you and tell you that you're doing the right things on your road to recovery. Really really sorry about this post.
Thank you for your kind words. My first job was photo printing and some other things. It was an extremely exhausting job, incredible stress from communicating with people, constant mistakes against the background of anxiety that I would do something wrong. I was worried that I would make a mistake and would make mistakes, because I was worried - a vicious circle. I lasted there for almost 6 months and eventually I was called to another job in a furniture store. This job was much calmer and there were fewer people, but apparently my well-being does not depend much on the complexity of the work, the root of the problem is that I do not understand why I work and get only negativity, even at an easy job ... Sitting at home for these two months, I felt a little better, but not much. All my life I tried to find a hobby for myself, but everything always ended the same, I felt that I was spending more energy than I received in return. An almost complete lack of emotions simply does not allow me to do anything for a long time ... And although I am still trying to find myself and pull myself together, each time it is more and more difficult ...
 
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alltoomuch2

alltoomuch2

Mage
Feb 10, 2024
555
A week passed from the last message. I bought a washing machine and washed all the clothes that I had. I got out in the apartment, took out all the garbage, washed the apartment ... I even began to think that the condition is being improved, but now I think this is caused by the lack of work, I haven't been going to work for almost a month and a half, but even so I I feel tired of any load. I feel that I must be pleased with the work done, but this is not, there is only a feeling of absolute hopelessness. I am sure that if I return to work, I can stretch for no more than two months, and then again I will begin to actively think about suicide. I am absolutely lost, I don't know what to do. Today I took the medicines from the pharmacy and started the course of treatment, maybe they will help me. This vacation was important to me, maybe I can handle it. But my brain does not want to do anything exactly, and I myself do not understand why I should do something in this life ...
This all resonates so much. I'm finding it hard to put into words so if I say the wrong thing forgive me and put me right. But if you're just starting meds, and you've had the strength when you have the energy to clean and get the washing machine and get the meds, that's amazing. I hope the meds slowly help you find space in all the confusion and hopelessness for curiosity, hope and motivation. Xxx
 
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Virsus

Virsus

Member
Sep 7, 2024
18
This all resonates so much. I'm finding it hard to put into words so if I say the wrong thing forgive me and put me right. But if you're just starting meds, and you've had the strength when you have the energy to clean and get the washing machine and get the meds, that's amazing. I hope the meds slowly help you find space in all the confusion and hopelessness for curiosity, hope and motivation. Xxx
Thank you. I feel like I should be happy with the work I've done, I should be happy that I find strength in myself from time to time, but I feel almost nothing. I hope that the meds will give me at least 10 percent of the sensations, and I will be able to be happy with what I've done. I want to move on and become a "normal" person.
 
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Virsus

Virsus

Member
Sep 7, 2024
18
Yesterday I took the first dose of the medicine and the next day I woke up with a terrible headache that nothing can stop, but I remember it was like that before, although the last time I took such medicines, the effect appeared later, maybe I got a stronger variation of the medicine. I feel like I'm on a light "high", like my perception of the world is a little different. As far as I remember, my libido will decrease, which was not much anyway, but it's not terrible, I constantly put off masturbation for a long time because of my unwillingness to do it, maybe this is not bad.
 
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