why am i scared of the way I go out?

[binglebelle]

Sometimes, I think that in the grand scheme of things that my moment of death is just a blip in time. Why am I going through all the trouble to not make it painful, when within a moment it will be done. For example, I find the idea of hanging myself torturous and terrifying but... I could have hung myself 5 minutes ago and I wouldn't be here now! Lol. I could have shot myself in the head yesterday. I'm petrified of heights, but jumping to my death would just a tiny moment in time. Why do I care? All of the intimidating ways to kill yourself are also the more plausible ways to really die.
Maybe this is screwed up, but I really admire my friend who jumped to his death last year. We met online, before I ever knew of this place and we idealized suicide together. He was the first person who I was ever able to talk about that openly with, who shared my views and it was therapeutic, actually.
After he killed himself, I found this website my googling his username and I found his goodbye letter. I would include his username, but idk if it's allowed lol.
He used to say that I was braver than he could ever be because he didn't know if he would ever have the guts to kill himself. He said he would be jealous of me when I died, and now ironically, I'm the one jealous of him.
I admire him because he fucking conquered what I couldn't! I know he was afraid of jumping, but he jumped from his 19th story balcony. He faced terror, and jumped.
Why can't I be like him? <3

 

[one4all]

Maybe it isn't your time yet. Something must be within you, that is stopping you from going through with it. Or maybe not.
Each person must face their own demons on their own terms.
Just a radom 2 cents from a person without hope.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

I mean, the reason we feel physical pain is so we're aware something is wrong and try to stop what is causing it. It's just how it is. So even when we're completely without hope and want to die, our brain is still going to be wired to survive and avoid pain. There are meditation type techniques that you can try to change your perception of pain and could be used to ease anxiety relating to death but I would imagine that would take a lot of time and dedication. You most commonly see it with Buddhists and self-immolation and it's how they are able to remain incredibly calm during excruciating pain like being set on fire.

Also, jumping at one point in time was my preferred method to go. It seemed like it could almost be fun, if you're like me and have always enjoyed the feeling of complete weightlessness. It would be almost like a dream and peaceful IF you were calm and death was instant. But considering I have extreme anxiety, I know I could never get to that point. It would just be terror and then maybe not even instant death or death at all. I bet I'd be able to do it on MDMA, though. The reason is because the few times I tried it over a decade ago, before I was ever suicidal, I remember thinking and probably saying several times throughout the night that, "Man, I could die right now and I'd be okay with it" and "Someone could point a gun at me right now and I wouldn't even care" type of stuff haha. This was before I ever had depression, let alone was suicidal. But I wouldn't even know where to look anymore, especially now that I just recently moved to a new state.

 

[one4all]

Physical pain is one thing, mental pain and anguish are another. How each persons reacts to those i can't say. I could on;y speak about my own experiences
While i have studied Buddhism from afar i do admire the concept and practices. Reaching those states of mediation takes a lot of long time, discipline and practice.
Free falling (Zero gravity) is a euphoric felling, from what i have experienced I have no experience with MDMA so i can't say much about that.
When you said "But I wouldn't even know where to look anymore, especially now that I just recently moved to a new state. " may i ask what you mean?