Why am I like this?

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

My mental make up seems to be so strange that I just don't find myself similar to other people. Maybe that's an illusion. Maybe there are others like me. But if there are, I can confidently say I've never met them.

In general, I really struggle to feel safe and secure. I'm always thinking about what could mess me up or undo all of my goals or plans. I'm so anxious that my brain only really knows how to catastophize. It will spiral endlessly on the worst case scenarios and refuse to let go. It zeroes in on the things I am most afraid of and tries to make me believe that those are the only likely outcomes.

I don't know why I'm like this, at all. I go about my days with a knot in my stomach. It's almost like a feeling of heartbreak. It's that same kind of emptiness. That gnawing, uncomfortable feeling that makes me desperately want to feel heard, supported, comforted. And I find it so, so difficult to find any sort of comfort. All I feel is that raw sense of, nothing's going to be okay. That I'm alone and that all I will know is fear, grief and pain. It's a deep seated, lingering sense of dread that never fully goes away. As I type this, I feel nauseous with anxiety. I just tried to eat lunch and it felt like I was force feeding myself. I'm feeling lonely and inconsolable.

It never ends, either. As soon as I've dealt with one source of stress, another is right there to take its place because my mind just won't stop scanning for threats and danger. Even if the threats are unrealistic, I will hyperfixate on them. I'm incredibly exhausted and burned out from feeling this way and I just don't know how I'm supposed to manage.

Thanks for reading. Much love to all.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

Seems like it could be hypervigilance, maybe you'd like to look into it? It tends to show up as a symptom / consequence of past experiences.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Seems like it could be hypervigilance, maybe you'd like to look into it? It tends to show up as a symptom / consequence of past experiences.

You know, I'd never looked that up specifically but it does sound a lot like what I go through. The close overlap with anxiety disorders does seem to make it a likely thing, in my case.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

If you'd like to be able to curb it, a good therapist might be helpful (but those are rare finds, admittedly).

Alternatively, I know about it because of a youtuber whose videos I watched for a while some time back - they mentioned how the hypervigilance was negatively impacting their life (their job in particular) and how they managed to get it under control, so I could search up that video for you (maybe it might be helpful? I remember that one suffered it as a symptom of cptsd (complex post traumatic disorder) (is common as a symptom there) due to csa (complex sexual assault?) as a child, so if those sorts of topics are horror for you it might not be a good idea, as it will be mentioned ) (complex as in, it happened multiple times).

 

[noname223]

You know, I'd never looked that up specifically but it does sound a lot like what I go through. The close overlap with anxiety disorders does seem to make it a likely thing, in my case.

When I read your post I also had to think of hypervigivilance. I am suffering from that too. Due to traumata.

But mentioning hyperfixation and scanning of threats and danger also reminded me of autism. But this could be projection.