Discussion Why all the self-loathing?

[AInilam]

When you realize how the world and society works and just how deeply it fucks us over, why do people instead look inwards to blame and shame themselves?

I see countless posts on here of people calling themselves a pathetic loser, ugly, undesirable, telling themselves they deserve their suffering and how they'll never amount to anything and it's heartbreaking. In the short time I've been here, the people I've come to know and talk to are usually twice as lovely, kind and understanding as the people I interact with on a day to day basis irl, if not more.

I understand depression can warp our sense of self and how others perceive us but I feel like a lot of us here need to give ourselves grace. Maybe I don't understand because I can't relate, I don't want to ctb because I hate myself but more-so because I no longer feel fit for this world and I want to spare myself from suffering even more/longer than I have to, as you would a wounded animal that's on its last legs. I see it as an act of mercy and acceptance.

All you need to do is take a look around you--at just how much this world perpetuates suffering and how much it profits off of this line of thinking--that we are lowly, unworthy or not good enough, it is insidious. We're currently living on a dying planet that like us--is being exploited for personal gain. Where I live--blizzards were common this time of the year, now we're lucky if we even get one light flurry that doesn't even stick. I don't think most people understand or are prepared for what will come in the next five to ten years. You thought the pandemic was bad? That was only the beginning.

It's like that line from Alice Madness when the Red Queen confronts Alice to actually stop and think about the true cause of her suffering and her family's demise:
''Your view conceals a tragedy. The whole truth you claim to see eludes you because you won't look at what's around you! The train is trying to destroy all evidence of your past and especially the fire. Now, who would want that? Who benefits from your madness?''

 

[Neogoloid]

I probably wouldn't even ctb tbh if female nature wasn't naturally designed to seek out and only truly desire the most attractive and tallest guys. Hard to be motivated when nobody loves you. Just an ugly worthless piece of shit. Nah fuck that , I'd still ctb because I hate myself and this world anyways but still.

Part of me wishes I could be reborn as a 6'3+ white tall handsome guy just to know what it's like to be truly desired by women. This life is hell and soon I'm going to end it. I already have my method set up. I'm simply waiting for one more thing to come out. And I'm gonna enjoy the feeling of life draining from my body very much.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just hate existence itself rather than myself in my case, this world truly is such a repulsive and evil place, I see myself as deserving of the peace of eternal nothingness. It's a curse to have the ability to suffer in this futile existence. To me the only ideal outcome is eternally ceasing to exist, I will always see it as preferable to decaying and deteriorating from age, all that existence is, is just unnecessary and undesirable suffering.

 

[AInilam]

I probably wouldn't even ctb tbh if female nature wasn't naturally designed to seek out and only truly desire the most attractive and tallest guys. Hard to be motivated when nobody loves you. Just an ugly worthless piece of shit.

Part of me wishes I could be reborn as a 6'3+ white tall handsome guy just to know what it's like to be truly desired by women. This life is hell and soon I'm going to end it. I already have my method set up. I'm simply waiting for one more thing to come out. And I'm gonna enjoy the feeling of life draining from my body very much.

I don't really care for a man telling me what I find preferable by design, as I've been interested in a lot of men and women regardless of their looks, trust me-- a lot of men don't fit that description yet still find themselves a partner. I don't want to be trite and say it comes down to your mindset--I'm sure there's other things at play that've lead you down this line of thinking, but you don't have to look very far to see that even pretty women settle for what some may consider ''below average''.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I personally loathe myself and it has has to with a lot of things that go beyond just "how the world and society works and just how deeply it fucks us over". It also has to do with me as a person. Even if we lived in a perfect utopian type society where everyone was singing kumbaya with each other, I would still hate myself.

As to why others may hate themselves despite society being the one at fault, that may have to do with how our species work. We are a social species and fitting in is ingrained in us. Going against the grain in anyway, whether intentional or not, risks you being looked down upon or even straight up kicked out of the group. Thus, we feel pressured to fit in and when we struggle to do so, whilst those around us are able to fit into those standards with ease, it makes us look inwards rather than outwards.

Most people want to be liked, they want to feel loved, they want to feel like they are apart of a community. They want to feel like an active member within our society, living up the expectations that have been placed upon us all our lives. This means that when we can't live up to those standards and expectations despite everyone around us seeming to do so with ease, it makes you feel shit about yourself. It also doesn't help that not living up to those expectations is both seen and treated as a moral failing of you as an individual, making it that much harder to not internalize all of those feelings and loathe yourself.

At least that's what I think is going on.

 

[AInilam]

I personally loathe myself and it has has to with a lot of things that go beyond just "how the world and society works and just how deeply it fucks us over". It also has to do with me as a person. Even if we lived in a perfect utopian type society where everyone was singing kumbaya with each other, I would still hate myself.

As to why others may hate themselves despite society being the one at fault, that may have to do with how our species work. We are a social species and fitting in is ingrained in us. Going against the grain in anyway, whether intentional or not, risks you being looked down upon or even straight up kicked out of the group. Thus, we feel pressure to fit in and when we struggle to do so, whilst those around us are able to fit into those standards with ease, it makes us look inwards rather than outwards.

Most people want to be liked, they want to feel loved, they want to feel like they are apart of a community. They want to feel like an active member within our society, living up the expectations that have placed upon us all our lives. This means that when we can't live up to those standards and expectations despite everyone around us seeming to do so with ease, it makes you feel shit about yourself. It also doesn't help that not living up to these expectations is both seen and treated as a moral failing of you as an individual, making it that much harder to not internalize all of those feelings and loathe yourself.

At least that's what I think is going on.

I understand that but I think once you reach a certain point--especially one the leads you to this site, I figured the self-loathing would be substituted for peace and acceptance. Why should it matter anymore if you fit in or not if you've already made your choice? I feel more at peace than I ever had in years knowing I'll ctb soon as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I guess I find it difficult to understand/relate to why others in my position don't feel the same. Hating yourself even to your grave just seems unnecessary.

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

For me it's just the only thing I can control. Everything is out of my control except myself. With all my actions constantly making my quality of life worse I just can't blame anyone else or the hand I was dealt because people in worse situations made their lives better. I try not to compare myself to others but sometimes it just makes sense to do so.

 

[AInilam]

For me it's just the only thing I can control. Everything is out of my control except myself. With all my actions constantly making my quality of life worse I just can't blame anyone else or the hand I was dealt because people in worse situations made their lives better. I try not to compare myself to others but sometimes it just makes sense to do so.

Yes but so many others in better situations have chosen this path as well. It doesn't seem to make much of a difference. Many people have needlessly suffered and gone before us and will continue to do so--and in the end so will everyone else, it's comforting to know we're not alone in that. I guess I find it difficult to mourn what could've been or what I could've done better, because the cataclysm society is hurtling towards makes it all seem so miniscule in comparison. For me, now that I've made my decision--it makes more sense to approach what I can't control with indifference/acceptance, what matters now is my own peace of mind and happiness.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I understand that but I think once you reach a certain point--especially one the leads you to this site, I figured the self-loathing would be replaced by acceptance. Why should it matter anymore if you fit in or not if you've already made your decision? I feel more at peace than I ever had in years knowing I'll ctb soon, I guess I find it difficult to understand why others in my position don't feel the same. Hating yourself even to your grave just seems unnecessary.

That's an easier said than done type of deal. No matter how you look at it, most people are going to are about what others think of them. It's kind of ingrained in us. Our ancestors cared about this and now we care about this.

A lot of people here are also ctbing partly if not entirely because they hate themselves and they don't fit in. So asking the question of "Why should it matter anymore if you fit in or not if you've already made your decision" doesn't really work in these cases, since that is literally why they made said decision in the first place.

 

[Groundhog_Day]

I understand that but I think once you reach a certain point--especially one the leads you to this site, I figured the self-loathing would be substituted for peace and acceptance. Why should it matter anymore if you fit in or not if you've already made your choice? I feel more at peace than I ever had in years knowing I'll ctb soon as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I guess I find it difficult to understand/relate to why others in my position don't feel the same. Hating yourself even to your grave just seems unnecessary.

I guess we're all at different stages of the journey. You sound like you have fully reached the acceptance stage.

I hope to fully accept my circumstances, and like you said, feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. But I'm still having trouble with the guilt of how my ctb will affect my mum and brother. Also, scared of surviving with brain damage etc.

Another thing is, I don't think we control the thoughts that arise in our minds. I have avpd, and my thoughts have been anxious and self critical, since I can remember.

 

[AInilam]

I guess my circumstances are too different. The people in my life don't give me much pause/reason to care if I ctb or not, nor is there anything in this world I find worth living for. Maybe I've just depersonalized or dissociated. I think on account of my general beliefs or delusions of there being an afterlife is what keeps me together. My overall outlook on life, society and the next 10-30 years in general is enough of a motivator. The planning for my going away party has given me tunnel vision and getting to finally rest easy/ enjoy myself everyday leading up to it has given me something to look forward to--and that's the extent of what goes through my head when it comes to this topic.

 

[Groundhog_Day]

I guess my circumstances are too different. The people in my life don't give me much reason to care if I ctb or not, nor is there anything in this world I find worth living for. Maybe I've just depersonalized or dissociated. I think on account to my general beliefs or delusions of an afterlife is what keeps me together. The planning for my going away party has given me tunnel vision and getting to rest easy/ enjoy myself everyday leading up to it has given me something to look forward to--and that's the extent of what goes through my head when it comes to this topic.

I always have massive admiration for those who have tunnel vision, and seem at peace with their decision. I followed Avaruus' goodbye thread, before I joined, and was amazed at how logical and certain in his decision he was.

I'm very indecisive, anxious and probably still in denial about my life. Hopefully, I get past that, and reach acceptance soon.

 

[SilentSadness]

I don't loathe or hate myself. I think I've mostly made the best possible decisions available to me. Sadly it's futile in this world where suffering is around every corner, dragging you around by a chain.

 

[HollowDrop]

Mental ailments, trauma, fear. I very well realize everything isn't my fault but controlling my negative emotions is just difficult. I can acknowledge my fears or thoughts aren't true but it's like I'm scared of thinking positively and years of being bullied to the ground conditioned my mind into believing I deserve all the bad things that happen. I can't quite explain it, human mind is complex. It's hard to not hate myself, but I do hate the world and other people even more for causing all this pain to others.

 

[Justnotme]

Thank you for your message on this forum! Your message means a lot to me and to people like me, who sometimes consider themselves worthless, then feel confident knowing that the crowd can crush your confidence and your true feelings.

It hurts me that people do terrible things to animals and other people.
But I feel like a jerk because I don't have the strength to fix what's going on in this nasty world.
I do not know how to fix it, I do not know how to do it, I have a bad brain.

But I don't consider a person who thinks the same way as me to be worthless and can't fix it either.
I'm only humiliating myself.
And I'm tired of the fact that my condition is always changing from self-deprecation to self-confidence.

 

[AInilam]

Thank you for your message on this forum! Your message means a lot to me and to people like me, who sometimes consider themselves worthless, then feel confident knowing that the crowd can crush your confidence and your true feelings.

It hurts me that people do terrible things to animals and other people.
But I feel like a jerk because I don't have the strength to fix what's going on in this nasty world.
I do not know how to fix it, I do not know how to do it, I have a bad brain.

But I don't consider a person who thinks the same way as me to be worthless and can't fix it either.
I'm only humiliating myself.
And I'm tired of the fact that my condition is always changing from self-deprecation to self-confidence.

You don't have a bad brain, it is our leaders--those responsible for keeping order and power, that choose to run this planet and those of us on it into the ground. They had a duty to fulfill and they've failed us, now they only pander to the rich elites. It is not your fault or responsibility, nor is it mine. It will take a collective action to reverse it, but once it reaches that point it'll be too late. Better to enjoy it now while you still can, for the time being it is out of our hands.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Don't get me wrong, I do agree with you that the world is fucked and that part (or most) of why I want to be dead is because of the suffering that the world causes to me. Nonetheless, I do dislike myself for being incompetent and deficient of various amounts of skills, including social skills. In the end, I believe that I still don't deserve to suffer as I'm not a bad person morally (or at least I don't perceive myself to be). I'm just a bad person in terms of being functional, in terms of having intelligence, in terms of having a good personality, in terms of being sociable.. in terms of about just every good trait a human could have.

Yes, I know that none of this would matter when I'm dead and this fact even gives me solace. Yes, I know the world is cruel and that's why I believe I deserve better... that I deserve peace via death. However, it's hard not to compare myself to others when life compares you to others by default and always has been. It's so soul crushing to see others socialise better than me, to see others do things easily that I can't and who can I blame? I mean perhaps I should blame the cruelty of life as life causes this to some people to begin with but, well, the question begs as to whether I got some blame too or not. Nonetheless, I do believe that it's unambiguous that life being cruel in the first place is what caused me to want to be dead

 

[Hotsackage]

Let me read the OP again

 

[AInilam]

I will only loathe if some asshat will give me life advice

Are you talking about me? Because I'm pretty sure this isn't life advice, this is more so aimed at people like me who plan to ctb.

 

[alphaomega]

why do people instead look inwards to blame and shame themselves?

The people who blame others for their problems aren't here but at SanctionedHomicide.net. Might seem flippant but it's what it is. Blame me, kill me, blame you, kill you.

 

[Hotsackage]

We loathe because we suffer tremoundsly, and that modern science or medicine cannot address it adequately, and for some reason its our fault we're like this

 

[AInilam]

The people who blame others for their problems aren't here but at SanctionedHomicide.net. Might seem flippant but it's what it is. Blame me, kill me, blame you, kill you.

Oh wow, I didn't know that site even existed. I'm more so saying to acknowledge that suffering is ingrained in our society, hating and comparing yourself to others only contributes to that needless suffering, especially if one plans to ctb. It's not just one person or entity but a collective system that have lead us to this point. There's so much at play against us, I've just come to accept that this is how the world is--and choosing to abandon it altogether seems to me like the only logical solution. I don't fault anyone but the greedy, power-hungry and corrupt--and maybe even existence itself for even allowing us to get to this point completely unchecked.

 

[Abyssal]

It's easier to blame someone. That way there's an obvious solution.

 

[AInilam]

It's easier to blame someone. That way there's an obvious solution.

It's not just some ''one'', people are currently being crushed under our capitalist system. Living to profit someone else doesn't sound appealing to me. The way we run things--seems adverse to our own nature and nature itself. Like I said, it'd take a collective effort to make things turn out for the better--for future generations hopefully, but I don't see anything like that happening in our lifetime. And quite frankly I don't want to stick around to see the aftermath, it's going to be a shitshow.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I probably wouldn't even ctb tbh if female nature wasn't naturally designed to seek out and only truly desire the most attractive and tallest guys. Hard to be motivated when nobody loves you. Just an ugly worthless piece of shit. Nah fuck that , I'd still ctb because I hate myself and this world anyways but still.

Part of me wishes I could be reborn as a 6'3+ white tall handsome guy just to know what it's like to be truly desired by women. This life is hell and soon I'm going to end it. I already have my method set up. I'm simply waiting for one more thing to come out. And I'm gonna enjoy the feeling of life draining from my body very much.

It used to be quite nice. I'm have been blessed to be a pretty decent looking male, especially when I was in my 20s, with very good height for my ethnicity. I easily garnered attention from females all the time. I would hate to be a male in search of love now. The internet makes it so easy to women to swipe to an upgrade over you, and the majority of women today will do just that. If you're good-looking, they'll find someone rich and good-looking. If you're rich and good-looking, they'll swipe until they find someone who is rich, good-looking and funny. It's seems like women these days are constantly trying to level-up until they feel they've maxxed out what they can get. For men, it's an exhaustng effort to stay on top of your game.

 

[Abyssal]

It's not just some ''one'', people are currently being crushed under our capitalist system. Living to profit someone else doesn't sound appealing to me. The way we run things--seems adverse to our own nature and nature itself. Like I said, it'd take a collective effort to make things turn out for the better--for future generations hopefully, but I don't see anything like that happening in our lifetime. And quite frankly I don't want to stick around to see the aftermath, it's going to be a shitshow.

Oh I just read the title and answer why I loath myself. I must've missed the point my bad.

 

[BlazingBob]

It used to be quite nice. I'm have been blessed to be a pretty decent looking male, especially when I was in my 20s, with very good height for my ethnicity. I easily garnered attention from females all the time. I would hate to be a male in search of love now. The internet makes it so easy to women to swipe to an upgrade over you, and the majority of women today will do just that. If you're good-looking, they'll find someone rich and good-looking. If you're rich and good-looking, they'll swipe until they find someone who is rich, good-looking and funny. It's seems like women these days are constantly trying to level-up until they feel they've maxxed out what they can get. For men, it's an exhaustng effort to stay on top of your game.

It's so true. Even the ugly, fat, disgusting ones with tons of baggage think they deserve a trillionaire with the body of a Greek god. I feel bad for young guys today.

 

[Old Friend]

I don't loathe myself. I used to in my teens. Now, I know I'm a product of my upbringing and the surrounding environment, so it's fine.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

It is hard to make the negative voice in my head stop.

 

[AInilam]

It's so true. Even the ugly, fat, disgusting ones with tons of baggage think they deserve a trillionaire with the body of a Greek god. I feel bad for young guys today.

Wow, thanks. I'm sure all the ''ugly, fat, disgusting'' women with tons of baggage sure did appreciate this post on a suicide forum none the less. I love how you just casually glossed over the fact that I'm a woman whose been interested in both men and women regardless of their looks or social standing but sure pop off I guess. I'm sure saying things like this is what makes you 10x more attractive and totally doesn't want to make women like me want to ctb even more.