To answer the question, in my case I've never wished to be here at all, and I've always found the thought of non existence to be something comforting and ideal, even when I was very young. And I believe that once I got a bit older, I started to think about suicide in response to these feelings. In my case wishing for suicide is the natural and expected reaction to just existing in this world and being aware of what life is. Life really isn't for me in any way, I don't see such a thing as being beneficial, instead it's only something harmful and tiring and I simply don't want to suffer at all.
How far do you remember from your childhood? I ask because I made a very big change from the age of 5 to 6, that's when I decided, voluntarily, to isolate myself socially (although I had schoolmates and talked to them normally).
It's not that I want to psychoanalyze you, forgive me if you feel it's an intrusion on my part. It's just that it suddenly occurred to me at school that once we reached the age of 14 many people in my class did not remember the day we entered when we were 5 years old, nor did they even remember "things" that had happened and that they had changed their way of being (just as it happened to me).
I've always been worried about where my fear of everything comes from, because when I was two years old I had it every day (and my mother says that when I was born I didn't have it). But I don't remember what happened to me that made me so afraid as a child, before the age of two.
//
Fins quan recordes de la teva etapa de la infància? Ho pregunto perquè jo vaig fer un canvi molt gran dels 5 als 6 anys, va ser llavors quan vaig decidir, voluntàriament, aïllar-me socialment (tot i que tenía companys d'escola i parlava amb ells amb normalitat).
No es que et vulgui psicoanalitzar, perdona'm si sents que és una intrussió per part meva. És només que em va sobtar a l'escola que un cop arribats als 14 anys molta gent de la meva classe no s'enrecordava del día que vem entrar quan teniem 5 anys, ni tan sols s'enrecordaven de "coses" que havien passat i que havien fet modificar la seva manera de ser (al igual que em va passar a mi).
A mi sempre m'ha preocupat d'on em ve la por a tot perquè amb dos anys recent complerts ja la tenía present cada día (i ma mare diu que quan vaig néixer no la tenía pas). Però no m'enrecordo que em va passar que em fes agafar tanta por de ben petit, abans dels dos anys.