BeansOfRequirement
Behind the guilt was compassion
- Jan 26, 2021
- 5,744
Really hard to find a good one, maybe someone could help. Has to have a lot of regrets from the past; from being stupid and mentally ill in important matters (not forming any relationships even when I really wanted to and had the opportunities, failing every frequent attempt at work and education). And also regretful from having been a horrible person (lashing out, attention seeking, blaming, etc) and still struggling to this day not to act, speak, and think in harmful ways. That shit seems to be on autopilot and I need to literally stfu, empty my head, and do (especially say) nothing in order not to hurt myself and others.
The bad parts of my autism and some strong schizoid traits (not diagnosed with schzpd) are also basically a must. But not in a cool and aloof way; I'm now emotionally labile, needy, often seen seething or crying. Lately I've had trouble sleeping from the nervous fixation on what I chose to forfeit years ago, the defenses (coldness, apathy, baseless sense of superiority) have come down long ago and I'm left psychologically unprotected from reality. My relative positioning, my repeatedly demonstrated inadequacies; the belief that I can't turn this around, but only cope with the aftermath and run damage control until I die. On top of that we have some hadephobia (despite not being raised religious) and a big dose of anhedonia. My oversimplified theory is that the autism wore down the schizoid defenses over time, resulting in all this, but idk.
I can probably think of a character for any one main trait, but they won't match with three or more. I have gamed and watched a lot of movies/TV, but still.
Since I have to pick something, and I didn't sleep much last night:
The bad parts of my autism and some strong schizoid traits (not diagnosed with schzpd) are also basically a must. But not in a cool and aloof way; I'm now emotionally labile, needy, often seen seething or crying. Lately I've had trouble sleeping from the nervous fixation on what I chose to forfeit years ago, the defenses (coldness, apathy, baseless sense of superiority) have come down long ago and I'm left psychologically unprotected from reality. My relative positioning, my repeatedly demonstrated inadequacies; the belief that I can't turn this around, but only cope with the aftermath and run damage control until I die. On top of that we have some hadephobia (despite not being raised religious) and a big dose of anhedonia. My oversimplified theory is that the autism wore down the schizoid defenses over time, resulting in all this, but idk.
I can probably think of a character for any one main trait, but they won't match with three or more. I have gamed and watched a lot of movies/TV, but still.
Since I have to pick something, and I didn't sleep much last night:
Similar threads
Recovery
firewoodduck
