Venting Who have I become?

[willitpass]

I'm a shell of a human. My cheeks are becoming hallow. My eyes are sunken in and there's no light behind them. I'm so dehydrated and losing weight so rapidly that there are no veins popping in my hands, but all of the superficial bones are visible, you can see them move with my fingers. My skin is so dry. My hair is dead and falling out. None of my clothes fit anymore, my pants are all so loose, but I don't have the energy or desire to go buy new ones. I lost 4lbs of water weight in 2 days. I'm scared to eat. I'm scared to drink. I take my Aspirin and Tylenol on an empty stomach and it burns but I don't even care. I'm not human anymore.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry. I'm an empty husk of a person too nowadays just waiting to do it.

 

[willitpass]

I don't feel human. I feel like my entire affect has gone flat. I've disassociated from life. I bounce between extremely anxious and completely numb. I'm losing myself. Mentally and physically. I'm oh so tired. How do people live like this? What have I become? I'm beyond ready to just let go. I wish it was as simple as just saying I'm ready to go now.

 

[Hotsackage]

Idk, me neither

 

[Labyrinth]

The mortality of human beings makes them a perishable creature, their entire life is based on a tenuous balance that can easily become unbalanced. The direct experience is predominantly psychological, everyone acts as if they would never die, but little do they know the tragic end that awaits them.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so done with the battle inside of my mind. Eat, don't eat, well you can eat but only this, just kidding no you can't when eat that. Drink, no liquids are bad you have to stay dehydrated, but drink so you can bleed, no drinking is bad, why is drinking bad? I don't even have an answer for myself other than not drinking makes me feel pain which is good to my brain. Go outside, no don't go outside. Take more Tylenol, no don't take more Tylenol. Be productive and do things on your to do list, but actually don't. It's utter bullshit. I can't fucking do it. Every single decision I make is an argument in my head. Every single thing I think about doing has to go through my head to decide if it's going to cause me harm and if it won't I probably am not allowed to do it. It's like I'm a prisoner to my own thoughts.

 

[rozeske]

I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. I hate how anyone has to go through so much. It's such a horrible existence we live in. I hope you find your peace

 

[willitpass]

I'm so so hungry. I want to eat so bad. I'm so thirsty. I need to shower but I'm struggling to do that because I'm worried about my skin absorbing the water. It doesn't even make sense the way my mind makes up things to tack onto my Do Not Do list. My mind is so broken. So broken beyond repair.