Who has a worse life? Time to tell your story.

[Sleeper System]

I'm 30 years old. I was born into poverty. Generational struggles since day one. Family lived off the government most of our lives. Welfare babies. In and out of shelters and homes we couldn't afford. No stability. Never took school seriously. Didn't know about what the real world was. It was me, my brother, and my mom. Other family vered off. Dropped out of high-school. Did nothing but hang out until age 21. Got my GED. Started a minimum wage job at a supermarket. $7.25 Hrly.

My mom stayed with her bf. His situation wasn't much better. She has her own traumas and issues. But she works as a cafeteria staff now at a hospital. Shit pay but it gets her by somehow. $14.00 hrly. It breaks my heart that this has to be her life and it kills me that her son is so useless and weak. Seeing her struggle at almost 58 years old... I can't take it sometimes. I worry about when she passes away. It will be both sad and a relief. Unless i ctb. Then I don't have the heart to even think about what it will do to her. Fuck me. I'm a piece of shit.


My brother moved in with my uncle and rents a room in his place. He works at the post office and isn't doing too bad but he's just as done with life as me. He gets paid like $24 hrly. He is surviving. I think he will be OK. Not much hope either though but he is copeing.


Cut back to me. I stayed at that shitty first Job for 11 years and still work there. I had no ambition to do anything or even try to find something better. Plus, I was living with an aunt who once tried to ctb herself and what I made was enough to pay half the bills and get by so I just coasted. That didn't last long. We had a falling out and I had to move. Managed to find a family who rents rooms in their 3 family home and that is where I am now. $650 a month utilities included. I'm comfortable here but idk how long this will last and that torments me and makes me so sick.

30 years old and living like this. I don't care about how it looks to others. I just care that I doesn't feel like ill do any better in life. So I'm stuck at this job that I hate more and more with each passing day. I managed to make full time status so I have basic medical and dental. Nothing that will mean anything significant once I get older and things start to fall apart. I think i have a pension plan but meh. I also managed to finance a decent car which I regret financing but I had no other option at the time. In total, $600 a month for car note and insurance. Making $20 an hour working 40hrs a week with one day off. No future other than to work myself to death until I'm old like this one dude here who is 70+ years old and still working. That is all assuming I don't lose this job. Then with no higher education or skills I will be right back to square one. That might be when I finally ctb cuz starting over this late in the game is a fuck no. Please tell me about your lives and let's vent. We are all in bad situations. The least we can do is talk about it let out some stress. Hope everyone is copeing. :(

 

[Lullaby]

I was born into a really toxic household. My dad was struggling with his own trauma and was an alcoholic and addicted to drugs. My mom was verbally and physically abusive, they fought everyday. School was my only escape.

They split, but ended up in just as horrible relationships with other people. I would go visit my dad on the weekends, and I'd see nothing but fighting. I go back home to my mom, even more fighting. I remember one night, she hid her boyfriends clothes in my closet, and he kicked down my bedroom door to get them.

Another time, they got into a huge argument and I just remember him sitting on top of her trying to shove her butcher knife through her chest. Everything is a blur after that.

By the time I entered middle school, I was anxious and insecure. My mother transferred me to a different one, so I wasn't around my best friends anymore. I ended up in the worst school in the city and was subjected to bullying every day. I made some friends but we were all a target.

My anxiety got worse and I hated going to school. I would make up excuses to try and not go anymore, which would lead to fights with my mom. She would dump water on me in the mornings, hit me, push me around, yell at me. I felt like I was trapped and I had no one. I was surrounded by bullies, and just predators. Eventually I tried to commit suicide for the first time.

FF to high school, depression gets worse and I stop caring about everything. I didn't think I was going to make it to 18, so I stopped trying. I would only show up to school maybe twice a week because I was so depressed. Didn't find out I was graduating until the last day of school.

After that, mostly just me trying to deal with the trauma I grew up with and my depression. Eventually I was raped by a close friend of mine on one of my birthdays, and my struggles only got worse after that.

Now, I'm 27, almost 28. Still stuck at home in the place I grew up in, with all of these horrible memories still present. No friends, dropped out of school, and I have hard time keeping a job due to my issues.

Steal dealing with my PTSD, depression and anxiety that has only gotten worse over the years due to being emotionally abused and manipulated by various partners, failed prospects, and just losing hope.

My entire life I've only ever known struggle. I'm not sure if things will ever get better for me at this point.

 

[downndone2]

I ruined my marriage, most my friendships, business, lost tons of money, owe tons in taxes, relationships with most family arent the same. This happened a few years ago during 6 months of mania which occurred after neuro illness, med withdrawal, and some other trauma.

 

[Sleeper System]

I was born into a really toxic household. My dad was struggling with his own trauma and was an alcoholic and addicted to drugs. My mom was verbally and physically abusive, they fought everyday. School was my only escape.

They split, but ended up in just as horrible relationships with other people. I would go visit my dad on the weekends, and I'd see nothing but fighting. I go back home to my mom, even more fighting. I remember one night, she hid her boyfriends clothes in my closet, and he kicked down my bedroom door to get them.

Another time, they got into a huge argument and I just remember him sitting on top of her trying to shove her butcher knife through her chest. Everything is a blur after that.

By the time I entered middle school, I was anxious and insecure. My mother transferred me to a different one, so I wasn't around my best friends anymore. I ended up in the worst school in the city and was subjected to bullying every day. I made some friends but we were all a target.

My anxiety got worse and I hated going to school. I would make up excuses to try and not go anymore, which would lead to fights with my mom. She would dump water on me in the mornings, hit me, push me around, yell at me. I felt like I was trapped and I had no one. I was surrounded by bullies, and just predators. Eventually I tried to commit suicide for the first time.

FF to high school, depression gets worse and I stop caring about everything. I didn't think I was going to make it to 18, so I stopped trying. I would only show up to school maybe twice a week because I was so depressed. Didn't find out I was graduating until the last day of school.

After that, mostly just me trying to deal with the trauma I grew up with and my depression. Eventually I was raped by a close friend of mine on one of my birthdays, and my struggles only got worse after that.

Now, I'm 27, almost 28. Still stuck at home in the place I grew up in, with all of these horrible memories still present. No friends, dropped out of school, and I have hard time keeping a job due to my issues.

Steal dealing with my PTSD, depression and anxiety that has only gotten worse over the years due to being emotionally abused and manipulated by various partners, failed prospects, and just losing hope.

My entire life I've only ever known struggle. I'm not sure if things will ever get better for me at this point.

I went through the same thing as you with high-school. Got bullied a lot. Found my group of weirdo anime metal goth lovers and we skipped school every day. Most of us dropped out and got our geds then went to work. I miss those days and wish I still knew those people. Everyone sort of split up and we lost contact.

I only had my mom. And she has nothing to leave me when she passes. I use to envy people that had moms and dads who worked and even though they had trauma they still had life insurance and maybe a home to sell or for me to live in the basement or something. Having nothing is the worst.

I am so fucking sorry that you were taken advantage of like that. I would help you hurt that person like they hurt you. Being powerless is infuriating.

Thank you for tell us about your life. It means alot to me to know I'm not alone in my struggles.

 

[Brianiskillingme]

Was born into poverty. I was the class fattie, so teasing was a huge part of childhood. I had only a few friends. Junior high was just as bad, still fat and school dances were a nightmare. I might have danced once or twice all evening. Parties were worse, The skinny girls were all making out with the boys, fatty was setting there alone. Then high school came, and I had a major bully. He was tormented me for 3 years until I quit school. He was relentless. Still fat, there was no dates, proms or many friends. Then the summer of 1982 I decided to lose weight. I lost 100 lbs and looked pretty darn good. I met my first husband. Life was good for a while. In 1994 my brother commited suicide which began the spiral. Soon after my husband had an affair and that marriage ended. I was a single mom for 3 years until I met my seocnd husband. He was the love of my life. We had 20 wonderful years until he got sepsis from a leg sore and died in 2015. I was put on Lexipro to manage depression. Then I met Brian (hence my user name) he is jeckle and hyde. Since I met him I have been put on three antidepressants. I have developed MDD and PTSD. One time he is as good as gold, next minute a total asshole, snappy and sometimes rather cold. So I am at a crossroad, do I want to go it alone and struggle, I am getting kinda old to take care of everything alone. Do I stay and be treated like crap one day and like a queen on the other, or do I just ingest the SN and be done with everything. I idealize suicide all the time.

 

[Sleeper System]

I ruined my marriage, most my friendships, business, lost tons of money, owe tons in taxes, relationships with most family arent the same. This happened a few years ago during 6 months of mania which occurred after neuro illness, med withdrawal, and some other trauma.

I want to know your story with more detail. You probably don't feel like it but that's OK. Thank you for replying. Hope u are doing OK.

 

[Slimetae]

drugs poverty foster care dropped out of school 9th grade criminal record which is deserved lost a relative to murder lost my grandma black sheep ofmy dads side of the family and some of my moms I still got my mom my dad does not like me which he has his reasons and I have mine
Which I don't care bc I barely know the
Guy now I'm about to be 21 and I don't have a dime to my name and stay with my aunt sleeping on her floor and she is a on welfare so yea .

 

[downndone2]

I want to know your story with more detail. You probably don't feel like it but that's OK. Thank you for replying. Hope u are doing OK.

It is too hard. The magnitude of the losses have left me severely f*cked and homebound for a few yrs. Luckily I work from home.

 

[Sleeper System]

Was born into poverty. I was the class fattie, so teasing was a huge part of childhood. I had only a few friends. Junior high was just as bad, still fat and school dances were a nightmare. I might have danced once or twice all evening. Parties were worse, The skinny girls were all making out with the boys, fatty was setting there alone. Then high school came, and I had a major bully. He was tormented me for 3 years until I quit school. He was relentless. Still fat, there was no dates, proms or many friends. Then the summer of 1982 I decided to lose weight. I lost 100 lbs and looked pretty darn good. I met my first husband. Life was good for a while. In 1994 my brother commited suicide which began the spiral. Soon after my husband had an affair and that marriage ended. I was a single mom for 3 years until I met my seocnd husband. He was the love of my life. We had 20 wonderful years until he got sepsis from a leg sore and died in 2015. I was put on Lexipro to manage depression. Then I met Brian (hence my user name) he is jeckle and hyde. Since I met him I have been put on three antidepressants. I have developed MDD and PTSD. One time he is as good as gold, next minute a total asshole, snappy and sometimes rather cold. So I am at a crossroad, do I want to go it alone and struggle, I am getting kinda old to take care of everything alone. Do I stay and be treated like crap one day and like a queen on the other, or do I just ingest the SN and be done with everything. I idealize suicide all the time.

It sounds like you have lead a full life. Many of us will never know what that feels like. Now you're at the back end of your days and I can understand your struggle. At this point, you need to chose what is easier. You should be leading a calm and stress free life. But life always has to give us stress. Might be better to just be with the asshole then go at it alone. and if things get to wild... the sn will do the trick. Thank you for telling your story. A bit jealous. hehe.

drugs poverty foster care dropped out of school 9th grade criminal record which is deserved lost a relative to murder lost my grandma black sheep ofmy dads side of the family and some of my moms I still got my mom my dad does not like me which he has his reasons and I have mine
Which I don't care bc I barely know the
Guy now I'm about to be 21 and I don't have a dime to my name and stay with my aunt sleeping on her floor and she is a on welfare so yea .

I know so many people in the same situation as you bro. I was there too. All I can say is start by getting a job somewhere you might could move up in. I did that and even though my life doesn't feel much better... atleast I can support myself. Shit is crazy now so I could understand if you just wanna ctb. I thought shit was hard when I was 21. Now a days it's just as bad if not worse. Thank you for telling your story.

It is too hard. The magnitude of the losses have left me severely f*cked and homebound for a few yrs. Luckily I work from home.

I understand. Life can be a trauma when things are such a Rollercoaster like that. What kind of work do you do? I'm always interested about people who work from home.

 

[Toonloon]

Sexually abused alot in childhood. At 17 abuser tried to strangle me in rage. My grandpa saved me. Sometimes I wish he didn't stop it. At 21 I started dancing nude. 22 I was held hostage and raped all day by a pimp. He took pics of me and posted them online, setup appointments to sell me.

I cancelled them before they took place. He got enraged and tried to kill me. I got away. It fucked me up really bad. I started doing BDSM sessions as a professional submissive/masochist. I made good money but I was beaten black and blue literally. I would charge extra for sessions where I got beat to the point my skin was blood raw but I was screamed at and attacked verbally by losers who felt entitled to beat me so bad for no extra fees.

I was raped brutally to the point my vagina bled nonstop for a week because of what a trick did to me once. After that I didn't have my period for a couple of months and now have horrible pain in my lady parts I bend over and scream for a few seconds.

When the lockdown first started I ignored all my red flag rules with a guy. I needed the money really really bad. He put an electric dog collar on my neck and shocked me really bad using it. Ur supposed to put it on a humans leg not neck. Every time I reached to pull the remote out of his hand he just laughed at me and hit the button.

I finally got the strength to punch him in the face as hard as I could. He called me a crazy cunt and slapped me. I scratched his arm and face deep. He got enraged and raped me really bad with a toy. He told me that's what you get bitch when my cunt started to bleed really bad. He got mad and stopped when I got loose from the restraints he put on my hands and I bit him and punched him.

I just snapped and started hitting him and clawing at him. I broke my nail on his skin.

What made it horrible. Was he smoked. Cigarette and made me let him rub my head. He said he would put the cigarette out on my skin for being a shitty slave. I told him I'll bite his cock off. And I fucking meant it. He was a total piece of shit. But still not the worse trick I ever had.


One of my last live sessions I had my tooth knocked out because I kicked the asshole in his belly with my high heel for trying to stick his cock in my cunt bare. EWWWWWWWWWW.

the one that got me to quit was an old guy who proudly told me about the time he fucked a dog. He was so disgusting I took the edible he offered me. He tried to fist my pussy. I was too high to stop him the edible was bad.

I tried to ctb that night when he left.

I'm now a phone sex operator. I have a baby voice. I mostly get pedophiles talking about raping kids. It's so gross. But it's better than the live sessions. I just couldn't deal with motherfuckers anymore.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Sexually abused alot in childhood. At 17 abuser tried to strangle me in rage. My grandpa saved me. Sometimes I wish he didn't stop it. At 21 I started dancing nude. 22 I was held hostage and raped all day by a pimp. He took pics of me and posted them online, setup appointments to sell me.

I cancelled them before they took place. He got enraged and tried to kill me. I got away. It fucked me up really bad. I started doing BDSM sessions as a professional submissive/masochist. I made good money but I was beaten black and blue literally. I would charge extra for sessions where I got beat to the point my skin was blood raw but I was screamed at and attacked verbally by losers who felt entitled to beat me so bad for no extra fees.

I was raped brutally to the point my vagina bled nonstop for a week because of what a trick did to me once. After that I didn't have my period for a couple of months and now have horrible pain in my lady parts I bend over and scream for a few seconds.

When the lockdown first started I ignored all my red flag rules with a guy. I needed the money really really bad. He put an electric dog collar on my neck and shocked me really bad using it. Ur supposed to put it on a humans leg not neck. Every time I reached to pull the remote out of his hand he just laughed at me and hit the button.

I finally got the strength to punch him in the face as hard as I could. He called me a crazy cunt and slapped me. I scratched his arm and face deep. He got enraged and raped me really bad with a toy. He told me that's what you get bitch when my cunt started to bleed really bad. He got mad and stopped when I got loose from the restraints he put on my hands and I bit him and punched him.

I just snapped and started hitting him and clawing at him. I broke my nail on his skin.

What made it horrible. Was he smoked. Cigarette and made me let him rub my head. He said he would put the cigarette out on my skin for being a shitty slave. I told him I'll bite his cock off. And I fucking meant it. He was a total piece of shit. But still not the worse trick I ever had.


One of my last live sessions I had my tooth knocked out because I kicked the asshole in his belly with my high heel for trying to stick his cock in my cunt bare. EWWWWWWWWWW.

the one that got me to quit was an old guy who proudly told me about the time he fucked a dog. He was so disgusting I took the edible he offered me. He tried to fist my pussy. I was too high to stop him the edible was bad.

I tried to ctb that night when he left.

I'm now a phone sex operator. I have a baby voice. I mostly get pedophiles talking about raping kids. It's so gross. But it's better than the live sessions. I just couldn't deal with motherfuckers anymore.

There are some real bad johns out there. Always try to remember that when dealing with a working girl

Anyone who treats a working girl poorly is the lowest of the low. You can't get worse than that

 

[Sleeper System]

Sexually abused alot in childhood. At 17 abuser tried to strangle me in rage. My grandpa saved me. Sometimes I wish he didn't stop it. At 21 I started dancing nude. 22 I was held hostage and raped all day by a pimp. He took pics of me and posted them online, setup appointments to sell me.

I cancelled them before they took place. He got enraged and tried to kill me. I got away. It fucked me up really bad. I started doing BDSM sessions as a professional submissive/masochist. I made good money but I was beaten black and blue literally. I would charge extra for sessions where I got beat to the point my skin was blood raw but I was screamed at and attacked verbally by losers who felt entitled to beat me so bad for no extra fees.

I was raped brutally to the point my vagina bled nonstop for a week because of what a trick did to me once. After that I didn't have my period for a couple of months and now have horrible pain in my lady parts I bend over and scream for a few seconds.

When the lockdown first started I ignored all my red flag rules with a guy. I needed the money really really bad. He put an electric dog collar on my neck and shocked me really bad using it. Ur supposed to put it on a humans leg not neck. Every time I reached to pull the remote out of his hand he just laughed at me and hit the button.

I finally got the strength to punch him in the face as hard as I could. He called me a crazy cunt and slapped me. I scratched his arm and face deep. He got enraged and raped me really bad with a toy. He told me that's what you get bitch when my cunt started to bleed really bad. He got mad and stopped when I got loose from the restraints he put on my hands and I bit him and punched him.

I just snapped and started hitting him and clawing at him. I broke my nail on his skin.

What made it horrible. Was he smoked. Cigarette and made me let him rub my head. He said he would put the cigarette out on my skin for being a shitty slave. I told him I'll bite his cock off. And I fucking meant it. He was a total piece of shit. But still not the worse trick I ever had.


One of my last live sessions I had my tooth knocked out because I kicked the asshole in his belly with my high heel for trying to stick his cock in my cunt bare. EWWWWWWWWWW.

the one that got me to quit was an old guy who proudly told me about the time he fucked a dog. He was so disgusting I took the edible he offered me. He tried to fist my pussy. I was too high to stop him the edible was bad.

I tried to ctb that night when he left.

I'm now a phone sex operator. I have a baby voice. I mostly get pedophiles talking about raping kids. It's so gross. But it's better than the live sessions. I just couldn't deal with motherfuckers anymore.

It's so cruel how horrible trauma can shape a person's life. I am so sorry that your life has been full of so much physical and mental pain. You must feel like this kind of work is all you are good for and I can relate to that completely. Thankfully, you are doing something less dangerous to your physical well-being being even though mentally it still must take a heavy toll. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope good things happen for you.

 

[downndone2]

It sounds like you have lead a full life. Many of us will never know what that feels like. Now you're at the back end of your days and I can understand your struggle. At this point, you need to chose what is easier. You should be leading a calm and stress free life. But life always has to give us stress. Might be better to just be with the asshole then go at it alone. and if things get to wild... the sn will do the trick. Thank you for telling your story. A bit jealous. hehe.

I know so many people in the same situation as you bro. I was there too. All I can say is start by getting a job somewhere you might could move up in. I did that and even though my life doesn't feel much better... atleast I can support myself. Shit is crazy now so I could understand if you just wanna ctb. I thought shit was hard when I was 21. Now a days it's just as bad if not worse. Thank you for telling your story.

I understand. Life can be a trauma when things are such a Rollercoaster like that. What kind of work do you do? I'm always interested about people who work from home.

I'm in the medical field and work for an insurance company

 

[Dizzylady80]

I was sexually abused by my dad as a small child, in addition to being physically abused and screamed at up until I was an older teenager. He would talk about killing us and offing himself and I believed it, when I was still in elementary school I'd try to find all the hiding points around the house for that reason. In kindergarten he started showing me gore videos, my first intro to the internet, and I got addicted to them. He'd hurt animals in front of me so I started to too. I continued these until late highschool. I developed a dissociative disorder and would be so out of it that I would see myself doing these things, horrified, and couldn't stop myself. I understandably decided that I was a danger to others and decided to try to ctb for the first time in at around 15.

I got shingles shortly after turning 17. It was a bad case and left a kind of nerve damage called phn, where the rash goes away but the pain and sensitivity gets worse, and I've had it ever since, and doctors say it's probably gonna be there forever. I've been raped a few times by people taking advantage of how helpess my pain makes me. I had already been doing drugs at this point but they ramped tf up once the pain got to bad for me to take care of myself, and my circle of friends followed suit. They're all dead now. We called ourselves the 3 amigos, also Ed Edd and Eddie because our personalities lined up with the characters in the show. I was in love with one of them. I'm the reason they were on the drugs they were on, and I consider myself responsible for both their deaths for various reasons.

My pain went away for a couple years. In that time I sobered up, processed a lot of the trauma I'd been through and learned healthy coping mechanisms, got some amazing friends and made plans to go to school to be a kindergarten teacher. Then it came back. It was already super unlikely for me to have developed phn in the first place, but it going away and coming back is exceedingly rare. I was extremely suicidal before I found out that some of the meds that didn't used ti work did this time, because the pain was much worse this time around. I'd be bedridden for weeks, with pain regularly getting too bad for me to even speak. That's when I joined this website. But yeah, some meds started working, and really helping too. I pulled my life together again with the help of my friends, got a job I could handle that was also deeply fulfilling, and went back to school, making all A's. Now it's getting bad again. It's extremely hard to walk now, I had to drop out of school, and am very likely going to have to quit my job if I don't get fired first.

I'm now 26. All the progress I made has been lost. My mental health is a mess and my past traumas and regrets have come back to haunt me, and the rate at which my pain has gotten worse has increased drastically. As I type this I'd rank my pain about an 8, can still type clearly with autocorrect and pauses between sentences but can't hold a conversation or walk further than to the bathroom (barely). The closest thing I can compare it to is a handful of cigarettes being pressed against my skin. It was worse the other day. I just wanted to help give some kids a better shot at life than I had. I feel like I'd be worth keeping in this world if it weren't for my pain. I know I did some really bad shit in my past, but I've changed, and I want to help make the world a better place. Idk if this is getting what I deserve or what

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I was sexually abused by my dad as a small child, in addition to being physically abused and screamed at up until I was an older teenager. He would talk about killing us and offing himself and I believed it, when I was still in elementary school I'd try to find all the hiding points around the house for that reason. In kindergarten he started showing me gore videos, my first intro to the internet, and I got addicted to them. He'd hurt animals in front of me so I started to too. I continued these until late highschool. I developed a dissociative disorder and would be so out of it that I would see myself doing these things, horrified, and could stop myself. I understandably decided that I was a danger to others and decided to try to ctb for the first time in at around 15.

I got shingles shortly after turning 17. It was a bad case and left a kind of nerve damage called phn, where the rash goes away but the pain and sensitivity gets worse, and I've had it ever since, and doctors say it's probably gonna be there forever. I've been raped a few times by people taking advantage of how helpess my pain makes me. I had already been doing drugs at this point but they ramped tf up once the pain got to bad for me to take care of myself, and my circle of friends followed suit. They're all dead now. We called ourselves the 3 amigos, also Ed Edd and Eddie because our personalities lined up with the characters in the show. I was in love with one of them. I'm the reason they were on the drugs they were on, and I consider myself responsible for both their deaths for various reasons.

My pain went away for a couple years. In that time I sobered up, processed a lot of the trauma I'd been through and learned healthy coping mechanisms, got some amazing friends and made plans to go to school to be a kindergarten teacher. Then it came back. It was already super unlikely for me to have developed phn in the first place, but it going away and coming back is exceedingly rare. I was extremely suicidal before I found out that some of the meds that didn't used ti work did this time, because the pain was much worse this time around. I'd be bedridden for weeks, with pain regularly getting too bad for me to even speak. That's when I joined this website. But yeah, some meds started working, and really helping too. I pulled my life together again with the help of my friends, got a job I could handle that was also deeply fulfilling, and went back to school, making all A's. Now it's getting bad again. It's extremely hard to walk now, I had to drop out of school, and am very likely going to have to quit my job if I don't get fired first.

I'm now 26. All the progress I made has been lost. My mental health is a mess and my past traumas and regrets have come back to haunt me, and the rate at which my pain has gotten worse has increased drastically. As I type this I'd rank my pain about an 8, can still type clearly with autocorrect and pauses between sentences but can't hold a conversation or walk further than to the bathroom (barely). The closest thing I can compare it to is a handful of cigarettes being pressed against my skin. It was worse the other day. I just wanted to help give some kids a better shot at life than I had. I feel like I'd be worth keeping in this world if it weren't for my pain. I know I did some really bad shit in my past, but I've changed, and I want to help make the world a better place. Idk if this is getting what I deserve or what

I'm so sorry. I can hardly imagine what you have been through. Such courage you've had to endure this.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Well, mine is not nearly as hardcore as other people.

Pretty normal childhood, but I was born with autism and never really able to make friends. I could play with others and spend time with people, but I just never felt any reason to maintain a relationship. I also never miss people. Apparently I have been able to dig that stuff up during some meditation, years ago now, but it's almost completely inaccessible normally. So, I have no social connections whatsoever aside from first degree relatives.

Was always romantic/sexual, even now it's one of the few things that get me emotionally engaged. I was oblivious/careless enough to ask girls out before puberty, but I wasn't attractive/popular at all then. Later, when I would have been able to get a girlfriend; the cocktail of autism, "attachment disorder", and constant porn usage made me avoid it. Then, I kept avoiding it until it broke me mentally, this led to me being unable to work or study, and that led to me no longer being attractive enough for a gf at all. I also jerked my penith out of shape (also took some sportsballs to the D). The curvature isn't too horrible, so I think it could be fixed with non-invasive stuff, if it's even a problem (not getting any pain from it during masturbation).

Took some meds for my suicidal ideation, was diagnosed with depression. (Who wouldn't be? Joke diagnosis). The pills contributed largely, imo, to me doing some really cringy and embarrassing shit. Looks like there weren't any real consequences to that, but still extremely demoralizing. Also, the pills contributed in stealing the crucial years when I would have needed all my faculties working and to have more restraint/long-term thinking. My resume is worse than if I would have robbed a store and just done prison time during those years. I can't even get hired cleaning toilets or stuff like that. Needless to say I still live in mom's basement and even with stable employment it would take years to be able to get severely indebted and move out. I don't mind living with family, I have a slight preference to live on my own (a little more space/privacy). The only reason I care about it is that it really makes it super-extra impossible to get a gf on top of the unemployment/suicidal ideation/"negativity"/friendlessness/no way of meeting women/bent penis/virginity/literal autism/etc.

Think I missed a lot, but whatever. Anyway; all of this piled up, combined with seven or so failed attempts to get a job/education, along with different kinds of meds and therapy, leaves me without hope. Don't like the idea of hurting family by suiciding, tho. I did also have some periods of hadephobia (mostly from Buddhism), but looks like it's gone now. I'm planning to ctb in a while, not in any rush.

Btw, sorry about all of the rapes and shit. Physical pain and rape stuff are in my opinion the absolute worst.

 

[freedompass]

I think you all have me beat but I dunno. I mean sometimes people seem pretty shocked when I tell my story. The story itself can vary according to how I feel on the day. It doesn't involve being physically tortured and abused. I didn't grow up falling pregnant with my own father's baby (this is stuff I've watched on the YouTube channel Soft White Underbelly). I do have bipolar and BPD. The emotional pain from the latter has been likened to third degree burns and it is supposedly the most painful mental condition there is. I've largely escaped poverty thanks to my country's welfare and health system. I have a nice home. A really bad to non existent relationship with my grown son is my biggest current emotional trigger closely followed by worry over my 'really old' mum. The latter is just part of life. This website helps give perspective. On balance I think it helps more than hurts.

 

[Forever Sleep]

To put it briefly- lots of early family deaths- Mum passed age 3, Grandma and Grandpa brought me up. Grandpa died when I was 4, Nana when I was 10, Grandma when I was 19.

Usual school bullying but more severe with my step sister when my Dad re-married when I was 10. Don't want to go into lots of detail but got so bad, I wanted to commit suicide at 10 and the feeling has never left me.

Wouldn't claim it to be the worst life ever- been relatively lucky with health- gallstones has been the worst so far. Also, inherited money which has helped with education and pursuing something I wanted to do- although the financial/job situation is looking a whole lot worse now.

It truly horrifies and saddens me to read some people's stories. It really is no wonder that so many people are backed into a corner with terrible abuse or constant pain- be it physical or mental.

Still, no matter the story behind it, I think the act of suicide is enough to say that a person is suffering. It can seem surprising when someone who appears to have it all does it- but we can never really know their experience in their minds.

I guess what I'm trying to say is- all suicides seem justified to me regardless of the person's situation because it was justified to them at the time... I guess we all kind of believe that though- being on a pro-choice site.

 

[Toonloon]

It's so cruel how horrible trauma can shape a person's life. I am so sorry that your life has been full of so much physical and mental pain. You must feel like this kind of work is all you are good for and I can relate to that completely. Thankfully, you are doing something less dangerous to your physical well-being being even though mentally it still must take a heavy toll. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope good things happen for you.

I went back to school. I'm studying to get a different job. And no I don't believe this work is all I can do. It's just what I know I can do well and make money for the time being.

 

[Sleeper System]

I went back to school. I'm studying to get a different job. And no I don't believe this work is all I can do. It's just what I know I can do well and make money for the time being.

That is good to hear. Atleast you can support yourself in the meantime. I wish I could do that. My mental health can't take it so ill probably work my shitty Jon until I die. Or get fired. :(

I'm in the medical field and work for an insurance company

That sounds cool. I guess you are on the phone and computer all day. I would work from home if I could. Lucky.

Well, mine is not nearly as hardcore as other people.

Pretty normal childhood, but I was born with autism and never really able to make friends. I could play with others and spend time with people, but I just never felt any reason to maintain a relationship. I also never miss people. Apparently I have been able to dig that stuff up during some meditation, years ago now, but it's almost completely inaccessible normally. So, I have no social connections whatsoever aside from first degree relatives.

Was always romantic/sexual, even now it's one of the few things that get me emotionally engaged. I was oblivious/careless enough to ask girls out before puberty, but I wasn't attractive/popular at all then. Later, when I would have been able to get a girlfriend; the cocktail of autism, "attachment disorder", and constant porn usage made me avoid it. Then, I kept avoiding it until it broke me mentally, this led to me being unable to work or study, and that led to me no longer being attractive enough for a gf at all. I also jerked my penith out of shape (also took some sportsballs to the D). The curvature isn't too horrible, so I think it could be fixed with non-invasive stuff, if it's even a problem (not getting any pain from it during masturbation).

Took some meds for my suicidal ideation, was diagnosed with depression. (Who wouldn't be? Joke diagnosis). The pills contributed largely, imo, to me doing some really cringy and embarrassing shit. Looks like there weren't any real consequences to that, but still extremely demoralizing. Also, the pills contributed in stealing the crucial years when I would have needed all my faculties working and to have more restraint/long-term thinking. My resume is worse than if I would have robbed a store and just done prison time during those years. I can't even get hired cleaning toilets or stuff like that. Needless to say I still live in mom's basement and even with stable employment it would take years to be able to get severely indebted and move out. I don't mind living with family, I have a slight preference to live on my own (a little more space/privacy). The only reason I care about it is that it really makes it super-extra impossible to get a gf on top of the unemployment/suicidal ideation/"negativity"/friendlessness/no way of meeting women/bent penis/virginity/literal autism/etc.

Think I missed a lot, but whatever. Anyway; all of this piled up, combined with seven or so failed attempts to get a job/education, along with different kinds of meds and therapy, leaves me without hope. Don't like the idea of hurting family by suiciding, tho. I did also have some periods of hadephobia (mostly from Buddhism), but looks like it's gone now. I'm planning to ctb in a while, not in any rush.

Btw, sorry about all of the rapes and shit. Physical pain and rape stuff are in my opinion the absolute worst.

That seems pretty hard-core to me. At least you have a place to stay with family. Dealing with your issues all alone is way worse. Trust me. I am doing what I can every day to keep going but it gets hard. Ctb feels like a welcomed outcome. Hope we can get some peace one day.

I think you all have me beat but I dunno. I mean sometimes people seem pretty shocked when I tell my story. The story itself can vary according to how I feel on the day. It doesn't involve being physically tortured and abused. I didn't grow up falling pregnant with my own father's baby (this is stuff I've watched on the YouTube channel Soft White Underbelly). I do have bipolar and BPD. The emotional pain from the latter has been likened to third degree burns and it is supposedly the most painful mental condition there is. I've largely escaped poverty thanks to my country's welfare and health system. I have a nice home. A really bad to non existent relationship with my grown son is my biggest current emotional trigger closely followed by worry over my 'really old' mum. The latter is just part of life. This website helps give perspective. On balance I think it helps more than hurts.

That sounds incredibly stressful. Glad you are hear with us. Sometimes just talking about things can help. My mental health and anxiety can't handle the realities that soft white underbelly examines. That channel is for the strong stomached imo.

 

[Xta4Love]

Excuse my english, it's not my first language.

I grew up in a household with a father with undiagnosed autism, anxiety, depression and frantic panic attacks and a mum who is prone to depression. At the age of 2 I already showed signs of (social) anxiety. I would act extremely shy, avoid contact with people. My father was very controlling because of his anxiety. He would panic if you came home late. He would get frantic, crying, pacing back and forth in the living room, call up anyone who might know where you were, run around the neighbourhood. If my mum ran late my father would tell me my mum was probably raped and dead. This behaviour grew worse over the years. No one dared to come home late.
The marriage between my parents was strained. My mum threatened to leave but never followed through.
My younger sister turned out to also have autism. She couldnt go to school. This caused a lot of tension in the household
I got my first depression when I was 14. I couldnt keep up with kids my age. I was very shy, very angry, very sensitive. I had difficulty finishing high school. I was bullied. Had a tough time.

As a student I winded up in a psychiatric hospital. I was diagnosed with avoidant ps, borderline ps, depression and parent-child problems. I never fully recovered. I got on welfare and was not able to work. I needed help with my household.

Now at 35 I have added severe depression with psychotic tendencies and a general anxiety disorder. My depression started in 2018 so it has been 4 years now. I suffered so much loss in 2021 that I fell very deep in depression. I was at times unable to speak or move. I cant take care of myself at all. Ive been in mental health facility for 8 months with no sign of improvement. This facility does not give treatment only a place to stay and work on independentcy.

Every day is hell.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so awful, cruel and unfair. When I hear about all the suffering in this world it makes me want to leave it even more. It is terrifying how there is no limit as to how bad things can get. Existing is very painful. I look forward to eternal nothingness. The eternity of death makes life seem so temporary and meaningless.

I have nothing much to say, I do not even have a story, I am already dead in a way, I am nothing and I am no one. I just exist, passing the time until I am finally free from this life. At least one day no matter what my suffering will end and then I will be where I belong, in non existence. I was never meant for this world.

 

[freedompass]

Excuse my english, it's not my first language.

I grew up in a household with a father with undiagnosed autism, anxiety, depression and frantic panic attacks and a mum who is prone to depression. At the age of 2 I already showed signs of (social) anxiety. I would act extremely shy, avoid contact with people. My father was very controlling because of his anxiety. He would panic if you came home late. He would get frantic, crying, pacing back and forth in the living room, call up anyone who might know where you were, run around the neighbourhood. If my mum ran late my father would tell me my mum was probably raped and dead. This behaviour grew worse over the years. No one dared to come home late.
The marriage between my parents was strained. My mum threatened to leave but never followed through.
My younger sister turned out to also have autism. She couldnt go to school. This caused a lot of tension in the household
I got my first depression when I was 14. I couldnt keep up with kids my age. I was very shy, very angry, very sensitive. I had difficulty finishing high school. I was bullied. Had a tough time.

As a student I winded up in a psychiatric hospital. I was diagnosed with avoidant ps, borderline ps, depression and parent-child problems. I never fully recovered. I got on welfare and was not able to work. I needed help with my household.

Now at 35 I have added severe depression with psychotic tendencies and a general anxiety disorder. My depression started in 2018 so it has been 4 years now. I suffered so much loss in 2021 that I fell very deep in depression. I was at times unable to speak or move. I cant take care of myself at all. Ive been in mental health facility for 8 months with no sign of improvement. This facility does not give treatment only a place to stay and work on independentcy.

Every day is hell.

Oh my gosh, that sounds like mental torment. It is so barbaric that we are expected to live this way. I'm so sorry for what you've had to endure

 

[Mashedout]

If anyone has hit the bottom and is actually considering killing themselves then they have the worst life. It doesn't go any lower. To want to give it all up, the good and the bad, is as bad as it will ever get.

 

[Xta4Love]

Oh my gosh, that sounds like mental torment. It is so barbaric that we are expected to live this way. I'm so sorry for what you've had to endure

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. It means a lot ♡

 

[Dizzylady80]

I'm so sorry. I can hardly imagine what you have been through. Such courage you've had to endure this.

It's uhhh not fun haha but I've got some great friends, and I can still appreciate how beautiful the world is, so I'm lucky in that regard

I went back to school. I'm studying to get a different job. And no I don't believe this work is all I can do.

I'd imagine it's hard af to try and bounce back from all that, that's pretty badass

 

[Toonloon]

It's uhhh not fun haha but I've got some great friends, and I can still appreciate how beautiful the world is, so I'm lucky in that regard

I'd imagine it's hard af to try and bounce back from all that, that's pretty badass

Thnx

 

[Judy Garland]

Whatever.

 

[Dizzylady80]

Thnx

Don't sell yourself short, you're absolutely a badass. From someone who has been in some relatively similar situations to what you described it is HARD to fight back, not to mention deciding afterwards to do what's best for yourself especially when money is on the line. I bet you'll kill it at whatever you're going to school for

Excuse my english, it's not my first language.

I grew up in a household with a father with undiagnosed autism, anxiety, depression and frantic panic attacks and a mum who is prone to depression. At the age of 2 I already showed signs of (social) anxiety. I would act extremely shy, avoid contact with people. My father was very controlling because of his anxiety. He would panic if you came home late. He would get frantic, crying, pacing back and forth in the living room, call up anyone who might know where you were, run around the neighbourhood. If my mum ran late my father would tell me my mum was probably raped and dead. This behaviour grew worse over the years. No one dared to come home late.
The marriage between my parents was strained. My mum threatened to leave but never followed through.
My younger sister turned out to also have autism. She couldnt go to school. This caused a lot of tension in the household
I got my first depression when I was 14. I couldnt keep up with kids my age. I was very shy, very angry, very sensitive. I had difficulty finishing high school. I was bullied. Had a tough time.

As a student I winded up in a psychiatric hospital. I was diagnosed with avoidant ps, borderline ps, depression and parent-child problems. I never fully recovered. I got on welfare and was not able to work. I needed help with my household.

Now at 35 I have added severe depression with psychotic tendencies and a general anxiety disorder. My depression started in 2018 so it has been 4 years now. I suffered so much loss in 2021 that I fell very deep in depression. I was at times unable to speak or move. I cant take care of myself at all. Ive been in mental health facility for 8 months with no sign of improvement. This facility does not give treatment only a place to stay and work on independentcy.

Every day is hell.

That sounds terrible. That deep, paralyzing part depression is something that people often don't realize happens sometimes, it's miserable. The movie Melancholia did a good job depicting it. I'm sorry you're in such a bad spot

 

[Al Cappella]

Well fuck me running. I know it's not a competition, but compared to all that, nothing happened to me. So I don't know why I am the way I am…unless I just happened to inherit trauma. My parents and grandparents had it rough (WWII). We're not talking the camps, but still. So I don't know. Some folks are just born defective, I guess…

But your stories…holy fuck. Respect.