Discussion Who do you worry about your death impacting the most?

[FailureToAll]

For me its my mum and my nephew.

For a few years I was living alone and felt that people wouldn't miss me as much as there were used to me being less involved in their lives but since my last suicide attempt I have been living with my mum, her partner and my nephew.

My mum cried and wanted me to move back in so she didn't have to worry about my safety and I couldn't bring myself to fight against it as I felt terrible.

Now I have been living with them for over a year. I feel like it would affect them even more if I die now and at their own house. I don't want them to be the ones that find me. And before I thought my nephew was young enough to forget me quickly and didn't see me enough to even notice I was gone. But now he's used to seeing me everyday. He's 5 so I'm not sure how much he would remember me long term, I wonder what my parents would tell him. I know he asks about me a lot and cries and misses me even if we spend a few days apart for whatever reason so it worries me how he would be if I were to leave and how much harder it would be for my mum if she were reminded of me dying by him asking or talking about me constantly for awhile.

 

[アホペンギン]

Despite the fact that this may make me come off as a selfish person, I don't worry about hurting anyone, anymore. They hurt me all my life so now they have to face the consequences and even then, life isn't my concern anymore when I'm dead.

You're lucky to have people who you care about. Hopefully your ctb won't impact them too much, its never easy to know how people will react and what amount of time it'll take for them to get over the death. Best wishes.

 

[FuneralCry]

If I had a guaranteed plan to cease existing on my own terms and managed to free myself from all the suffering that existing brings then I would have nothing to worry about, I'd be at peace, nothing could concern me.

 

[cardboard_house]

For me, I'm most worried about my parents and little brother. I've seen them crying when hearing stories of people's kids dying, and I don't want to do that to them. I think it's because of my attempts in the past. I also don't want to expose my little brother to something like that.

It used to be my cat, I didn't want to die before she did. She's the reason I'm still alive today. Unfortunately, she died just a few days ago. We didn't know that until about an hour ago. I can't help but think it was indirectly my fault. Maybe if I hadn't stayes home that day, she would've gone out earlier and wouldn't have been outside when the coyotes attacked her.

I'm not sure now, though. I just don't want to put my family through that. I think I owe them too much. In the future, maybe, but I don't think that now is the time.

 

[backtoearth]

I'm worried about my sibling, they are also mentally ill and we live together so are very close. I'm worried they will think I am abandoning them in this harsh, awful world with no-one to look up to or come to for advice. They have kept me alive more times than they know

 

[Pyxel]

Despite the fact that this may make me come off as a selfish person, I don't worry about hurting anyone, anymore. They hurt me all my life so now they have to face the consequences and even then, life isn't my concern anymore when I'm dead.

You're lucky to have people who you care about. Hopefully your ctb won't impact them too much, its never easy to know how people will react and what amount of time it'll take for them to get over the death. Best wishes.

I like that way of thinking. People always say you should think about how your death would effect others but who cares? You're not around to know.

 

[Amidaa]

Mhmm Mhmm, i wish i had that kind of stuff and that peeps will miss me but unfortunately my death won't effect anyone. nor will peeps even notice that i'm gone untill they need me for something like fixing stuff or help them with stuff. to most peeps i know i'm just a tool they need and after that they will forget me and put me back in a tool case or a barn. and just remember me if they have no one else, but even i'm not here anymore they will just get another tool to get the job done thats it. but thats oki i'm use to it by now i have accepted it that is just my reality. but i'm glad to hear you have at least something beter then nothing.

 

[CryaSparrow]

For me, now, it's just down to Crya and Sparrow (the namesakes for my username). Though I do hope they can eventually forgive me.

 

[M.O.N]

my friends and younger family members. a few have already expressed concern over me ctb and I'm dreading the sadness they'll feel, especially since I won't be there to help them through it. my younger family members love and look up to me a lot. I frequently worry about the trauma it will bring them. my siblings are already traumatized from past attempts.

I'm so sorry to hear about the worry you feel about these things, I can tell you've thought about this a lot. love is so beautiful when you're here and so bittersweet when you're on your way out. in my experience with having a close loved one ctb, the memories are the next best thing to having her there. If I were given the choice, I'd choose to know her over and over again despite the pain of loss. I don't know your loved ones but I'd imagine they would feel the same. I hope you find peace in any decision you choose, sending love your way.

 

[strawb12]

I feel bad that I'm leaving my friends behind but I don't really care about how my death impacts others, I'll be dead so why should I care. & on top of that I can see myself double/triple ctbing with some of my friends so then I wouldn't even feel bad for leaving them behind. I definitely won't right now because I have a great partner, I can't see it lasting long term but they're good for me for right now & I like them enough that I would never hurt them by attempting but once its over I really don't have anyone here who I wouldn't ctb for.

 

[peaches]

For me its my mum and my nephew.

For a few years I was living alone and felt that people wouldn't miss me as much as there were used to me being less involved in their lives but since my last suicide attempt I have been living with my mum, her partner and my nephew.

My mum cried and wanted me to move back in so she didn't have to worry about my safety and I couldn't bring myself to fight against it as I felt terrible.

Now I have been living with them for over a year. I feel like it would affect them even more if I die now and at their own house. I don't want them to be the ones that find me. And before I thought my nephew was young enough to forget me quickly and didn't see me enough to even notice I was gone. But now he's used to seeing me everyday. He's 5 so I'm not sure how much he would remember me long term, I wonder what my parents would tell him. I know he asks about me a lot and cries and misses me even if we spend a few days apart for whatever reason so it worries me how he would be if I were to leave and how much harder it would be for my mum if she were reminded of me dying by him asking or talking about me constantly for awhile.

I worry the most about hoping that death will mean an absence of pain.
I assume that death will be like 1937. I was not here. I have no sense that I was aware of 1937.
Just nothing.
And that's ok. I am seeking an absence of pain. Primarily emotional pain. Almost a soul nausea. I am not ok. I need the pain to stop.
As far as those still alive in my life:
I know my absence will be difficult for some people. But I also know that people who are capable of staying here and not seeking to ctb, have traits that give them a desire to be here and ride whatever life hands over. Or, they are just wired so different than I am emotionally that they are capable of weathering emotions or creating denial survival mechanisms.
I am incapable of denial, I perceive, I observe, and I feel everything. I watch so much just roll off people around me.
Maybe they didn't have an early life of immense trauma.
If it wasn't so complicated, and so potentially disastrous to fail at an attempt, many of us would not be here.

 

[golden_triforce3]

My parents, probably.

Whenever I think of CTBing, I always remember what an aunt said after her son suddenly passed: "No parent ever expects to die before their children". I believe that this reality would make things even harder for them.
Also, even though I do have a (way more stable) sibling, I also fear I won't be around to take care of them in the future.
They really did the most they could and I couldn't have asked for better parents. Feels shitty to not be around to ensure the same for them.

 

[toofargone6969]

My whole family will be fucked up over it for a long time but I know they will be safer and better off in the long run. I will be protecting then from future hurt and harm by removing myself from the equation. Its for the best

 

[Forever Sleep]

It would be my Dad- I worry so much about that, that I intend to hang on for him to go first. After that, it's difficult to say. I haven't seen friends or family in 5, 10, some, 20 years. It's hard to judge how they will react. I worry about a good friend- although, we're barely in touch at all now. Mainly because she has children and I feel bad that she would have to break it to them. I'd prefer they were protected from horrible stuff in life until it becomes unavoidable. Maybe she would tell them a white lie initially till they are old enough to understand. A few more elderly relatives trouble me too- the shock of it. But again- maybe some of the younger ones will spare them the whole truth.

 

[sserafim]

Nobody would care if I died so I don't worry about my death impacting anyone. I've failed to launch and at adulting, and my family wants to cut ties with me and cast me out onto the streets, basically making me homeless. I don't think they'd care that I died. They're more mad about the fact that I'm a failure and disappointment to the family. I've basically failed at being an adult. In fact, they want to disown and disinherit me because I'm a failure, so they're actively making me want to die. If I had to say, maybe my dog?

 

[busybee]

My mother. She wanted more children but only had me and is very clingy cause of that.

 

[CH349]

My little sister.

I used to be very suicidal as a highschooler (still am haha). The thing that stopped me every time from actually planning and wanting to cbt was her. I can't bear to think of how she'd knock on my door one morning to wake me up, only to find my lifeless body. I moved far from my parents place, and waited until she grew up past her teenager years and into her young adult years. I've been away from her for a year now, I hope she wont miss me too much and I hope she'll forgive me.

I don't want to give her trauma, I don't want to hurt her. She's such a cinnamon roll I'd do anything to protect her. I wish I could do more. She'll forever be my biggest regret in life once I go away.

 

[SpencerSees]

My boyfriend. He is very attached to me. I wish I never met him. He'll think I ruined his life with killing myself, but i only made it better, even if he can't agree now. He'll see. I just hope he'll forgive me one day. If he doesn't, i completely understand, but still. He'll need to forgive to move on

 

[Kokonoe]

My partner. My suicide would completely break him and leave him traumatized for the rest of his life. I honestly feel completely awful knowing how it would affect him. He knows I'm suicidal and I've discussed it with him, and the way he reacts to it just sticks with me. It makes me feel so guilty. It has made it more difficult for me to commit, but unfortunately I can't live just for someone else's sake, no matter how much I love them.

 

[Mvrd3rz]

My mom, my cat and my two best friends

 

[kindalone]

My sister outright told me she might follow me, so it's definitely her.

 

[Costrecce]

My sisters

 

[EndofSmallSanctuary]

my dad said he would follow me...