puddle
New Member
- Jun 11, 2025
- 1
Hello anyone who may stumble across this mess of an introduction
Like many here, I have pondered suicide for the better half of my life and I'm being eaten alive over it. I often close my eyes and imagine scenarios of my death. Maybe I'll be atop a mountain looking over a fantastic view while taking in the serenity of mother nature laying me to rest, or maybe I'll be in my room and end it where this whole fantasy started. Though the truth is I am unsure of my future. I am unsure if my life is as doomed as it feels due to my childish naivety. Perhaps if I hadn't set myself up for failure all those years ago, things would be different. It doesn't matter as I cant change my past faults, but I also can't see a future for myself. I have the understanding that I can change my life, but every direction feels just as bland as the next. Why would I work my ass off for something that in the end will be unfulfilling? Why can't I feel emotionally connected to any walk of life? I ask myself these questions daily and yet I never get the answer, I'm sure most people never do but that doesnt feel like enough for me. Im greedy. Im selfish. Im childish and stubborn. How can I change my life if I can't even change my basic perception?
Who am I?
Due to the fear that someone in my corner may find this thread, you can call me puddle. Im 20 years old and I live in dreary midwestern USA. A place without much opportunity, a place where you'll hit a brick wall before you ever see it coming. Id like to say I was raised normal, but thats far from the truth. My mother has borderline personality disorder and most of my childhood was full of fear. Fear of being yelled at for watching her cook supper. Fear of being beat for standing in one place for too long. Fear that she will kick my brother while he was turtled over for the 3rd time that week. Fear of being stabbed because dad didn't come home to save us on time. I believe the fear of my past directly led to the coldness of my present. I can think of many occasions where suicide was prevalent in my childhood, and I often wonder if my ideations were created due to this.
Around the age of 9 I was outside playing my favorite game with my Dad, one where he would hit a large rubber ball in the air and we had to try and catch it. Dad playing with us was a treat as he often said we needed to learn how to be alone. I remember my Mom running out of the house, arm wrapped with a blood stained white towel while she cried and demanded for the insurance card. My dad just shook his head and pointed her in its direction, fully aware of the circumstance yet seemingly unphased. We continued to play ball for a while before I had to use the restroom. The tub was painted red, yet I thought nothing of it. I understand now this wasn't a normal reaction but I just went and cleaned it up as if the day were normal. I speculate that it had happened before, this is just the first instance I remembered. A couple years later I received a call from my grandparents that they were on their way to pick me up because of an emergency regarding my Mom. She had locked herself in a hot car as an attempt, and I was tasked with convincing her to come out. Recounting these events I feel no pain, in fact I often laugh about it as if it were just another one of my many stories I get to tell.
Let's fast forward a bit to highschool. Around this time my suicidal ideation have grew exponentially and I had already decided my fate. My mother saw me struggle to show up and decided to have me drop out at the age of 15 due to fear of the court. After dropping out I became recluse and for 3 years I could count the amount of times I left my house. My lack of education Is a burden I'll forever carry. How could someone with a 4.15 gpa become a failure who forgot how to do algebra so fast? How could I let myself fall so far? Suicide is the simple answer, the real answer is one I've yet to figure out myself. After dropping out I had made the promise to exist this world on my graduation day. It's obvious that this plan had fallen short and it didn't end up happening. Instead I sat through the pain of my only friends graduation party with a smile on my face, telling everyone who asked that I never completed school. Lying would have been easier on my heart but I couldn't bring myself to ease the pain. I deserved to feel ashamed of the direction I went.
Why?
I have no real reason to commit so why do I want to so bad? Why can't I have desires beyond this?
I had a dream. That dream doesn't exist anymore. Its my fault for finding my life in another person. I'm too young to understand love, too dumb to understand how to move on from the heartbreak of a life I had but will never have again. Hows come I'm not intelligent enough to decipher if my love for that period of my life was because of the place I resided and the lifestyle, or the people I got to love as a result of being there. I'm a fool for making this segment so cryptic, I'm just embarrassed to tell the truth.I have no real reason to commit so why do I want to so bad? Why can't I have desires beyond this?
In 2024 I lived with someone I loved in Germany. It was the first time in my life I pondered death and feared it. Who would want to die when you could feel so free and loved? I never wanted to leave that feeling behind ever again, and I had made the decision to better my life. In germany I could cook the food I wanted, walk to the corner store or take a train wherever I wanted. The freedom tasted so sweet. Though was it really the freedom that felt good, or was it the community he gave me? If I went to germany to chase that feeling again, would it feel just as good? Probably not. There's nothing there for me anymore. He's not there for me, the friends he gave me aren't there for me. Id be just as empty as I am here. I cried a lot in germany. I had this gut feeling it wouldn't last, that it was too good to be true. He loved me good and his friends loved me good, We never argued and it was perfect. Id imagine my room back at home while I cried knowing it was where i'd be heading soon. I was right, it didn't last. Many relationships ended still full of love.
Now I'm back to where i started. coming up with empty ideas for my future that feel even more bland than the last. I don't want to get my GED. I don't want to get my license. I don't want a family or a degree. I don't want to travel the world and I don't want to live anymore. The only thing I want, is to want something. I try hard to will myself into loving something, faking it until I make it. Telling people I have big desires. I don't. I probably never will.
Im sorry.
I wanted this to be more in depth than it was, but my emotions got the best of me. Im sorry.
