I think most of the critical things that happened to me were caused by systemic developments.
My first psychosis was a product of my genes and the child abuse I went through for more than a decade. In contrast if I had have a drug psychosis by taking drugs one time. This would have been one critical event.
Interestingly I think if I chose latin in school which was as option on the table, I would have repeated one school year. I chose a different language but with my knowledge of today I know I wouldn't have understood latin at all. The casus is extremely difficult and I didn't even understand that casus in my native language to that time. I think I would not have met my closest friends. I might would have escaped the nightmare bullying in my class. But I also would have been seperated from my friends. I am friends with them for almost 15 years and they also stopped me from committing suicide. I would probably be dead if they didn't intervene.
I think in general the decision to which school I went was decisive. My mom pressured me to go to the best school available. In Germany in many federal states there is a 3 tier school system. My parents think the school was actually the reason why I became ill. Which is total bullshit. Beating me up every single day starting at the age 5 when spicing it up with 7 was the reason why I pressured me so much. I think receiving good education was overall a very good thing. It opened me a path for coping mechanisms. It made me a richer person. I learned to think about myself and to understand me better.
I think the abuse was unavoidable. I think my mom was abused as a child and the abuse goes from one generation to the next. But it will stop with me because I will have no kids. And honestly never in my life would I beat them. I could imagine in the hypothetical scenario I would be more like my dad and neglect my children emotionally.
I think wanting to try living without antipsychotics was really stupid. There are many scary things about them. And even after my second psychosis there was a time I didn't take them. My sister tries to taper of her antipsychotics I met her yesterday and she is close to ruining her life. She has a new boyfriend and he left her because she made mistake while being psychotic. It was also sort triggering to talk to someone so psychotic. But I could support my mom a lot. I am more scared about her health tbh. The first time quitting antipsychotics is understandable. These pills are scary. But after the second time I should not have renagaded. My main reason for hating my antipsychotics was being this young and to be impotent/to have erectile dysfunction. And of course no doctors take this issue seriously. I elaborated on this earlier in this forum I found a way to get rid of this side effect fully. Actually, my sexuality is better than without medication. I take the antidepressant trazodone (you could also try elontril) and I take busp an anti anxiety medication. And well I don't have any sexual issues anymore. Actually, the busp makes orgasms way better. And both of these medication don't have any side effects for me. Most psychiatrist don't give a shit about sexual side effects and I find this extremely stupid. There are not a few men that reject medication because of these issues. These people might kill themselves. And just to avoid this topic and unpleasant conversation they don't talk about it. Actually, these pillpushers don't inform themselves. I had to do the research on my own. If I knew this earlier this could have prevented me a lot of agony. Bur at least I know now.
My first psychosis was a product of my genes and the child abuse I went through for more than a decade. In contrast if I had have a drug psychosis by taking drugs one time. This would have been one critical event.
Interestingly I think if I chose latin in school which was as option on the table, I would have repeated one school year. I chose a different language but with my knowledge of today I know I wouldn't have understood latin at all. The casus is extremely difficult and I didn't even understand that casus in my native language to that time. I think I would not have met my closest friends. I might would have escaped the nightmare bullying in my class. But I also would have been seperated from my friends. I am friends with them for almost 15 years and they also stopped me from committing suicide. I would probably be dead if they didn't intervene.
I think in general the decision to which school I went was decisive. My mom pressured me to go to the best school available. In Germany in many federal states there is a 3 tier school system. My parents think the school was actually the reason why I became ill. Which is total bullshit. Beating me up every single day starting at the age 5 when spicing it up with 7 was the reason why I pressured me so much. I think receiving good education was overall a very good thing. It opened me a path for coping mechanisms. It made me a richer person. I learned to think about myself and to understand me better.
I think the abuse was unavoidable. I think my mom was abused as a child and the abuse goes from one generation to the next. But it will stop with me because I will have no kids. And honestly never in my life would I beat them. I could imagine in the hypothetical scenario I would be more like my dad and neglect my children emotionally.
I think wanting to try living without antipsychotics was really stupid. There are many scary things about them. And even after my second psychosis there was a time I didn't take them. My sister tries to taper of her antipsychotics I met her yesterday and she is close to ruining her life. She has a new boyfriend and he left her because she made mistake while being psychotic. It was also sort triggering to talk to someone so psychotic. But I could support my mom a lot. I am more scared about her health tbh. The first time quitting antipsychotics is understandable. These pills are scary. But after the second time I should not have renagaded. My main reason for hating my antipsychotics was being this young and to be impotent/to have erectile dysfunction. And of course no doctors take this issue seriously. I elaborated on this earlier in this forum I found a way to get rid of this side effect fully. Actually, my sexuality is better than without medication. I take the antidepressant trazodone (you could also try elontril) and I take busp an anti anxiety medication. And well I don't have any sexual issues anymore. Actually, the busp makes orgasms way better. And both of these medication don't have any side effects for me. Most psychiatrist don't give a shit about sexual side effects and I find this extremely stupid. There are not a few men that reject medication because of these issues. These people might kill themselves. And just to avoid this topic and unpleasant conversation they don't talk about it. Actually, these pillpushers don't inform themselves. I had to do the research on my own. If I knew this earlier this could have prevented me a lot of agony. Bur at least I know now.
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