Am I too stupid to find or did someone delete it?
I have a 7,5 right now. Since a long time I was not fucked like this evening. I imagine buying SN soon. I am really desperate. There are multiple reasons. I will quit college soon. During college time I was on the edge of mania. Maybe I even was manic. If this means I get again this severe depression with severe psychosomatic pain like the last 2 times after mania I have to ctb very soon. The last severe depression lasted 2,5 years. I won't do that again. I warned everyone that this would happen everyone family and therapists told me I have to try college. I was sure when this goes wrong I have to ctb soon.
I am still going to college. As long as I do this the emergency state will last. But after that the severe depression will develop. I have now done nothing for college since 2 days. I was not that depressed since a long time. If this really is the beginning of a new severe depression it is over. I am not doing that. I have sworn to me I ctb if that happens.
However there are also other explanations for my depressed mood. My friends told me I overstrain them with my daily venting. I know they are right but it hurts a lot. Moreover I might have the carpal tunnel syndrome which destroys my hobbies.
I am really curious what happens when this psychosomatic pain returns. I tried to prepare me emotionally to ctb when this happens.
The last 3 weeks the appoinments with my therapist fall out. I am not sure how I do it when the pain returns. I should act as I am not severe suicidal. Otherwise I will have to go to a clinic. I don't have the stuff here to kill me but I know how I can get it. My therapists and friends persuaded me in not buying it. Might have been a big mistake.
I have a 7,5 right now. Since a long time I was not fucked like this evening. I imagine buying SN soon. I am really desperate. There are multiple reasons. I will quit college soon. During college time I was on the edge of mania. Maybe I even was manic. If this means I get again this severe depression with severe psychosomatic pain like the last 2 times after mania I have to ctb very soon. The last severe depression lasted 2,5 years. I won't do that again. I warned everyone that this would happen everyone family and therapists told me I have to try college. I was sure when this goes wrong I have to ctb soon.
I am still going to college. As long as I do this the emergency state will last. But after that the severe depression will develop. I have now done nothing for college since 2 days. I was not that depressed since a long time. If this really is the beginning of a new severe depression it is over. I am not doing that. I have sworn to me I ctb if that happens.
However there are also other explanations for my depressed mood. My friends told me I overstrain them with my daily venting. I know they are right but it hurts a lot. Moreover I might have the carpal tunnel syndrome which destroys my hobbies.
I am really curious what happens when this psychosomatic pain returns. I tried to prepare me emotionally to ctb when this happens.
The last 3 weeks the appoinments with my therapist fall out. I am not sure how I do it when the pain returns. I should act as I am not severe suicidal. Otherwise I will have to go to a clinic. I don't have the stuff here to kill me but I know how I can get it. My therapists and friends persuaded me in not buying it. Might have been a big mistake.
