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noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
6,046
Am I too stupid to find or did someone delete it?
I have a 7,5 right now. Since a long time I was not fucked like this evening. I imagine buying SN soon. I am really desperate. There are multiple reasons. I will quit college soon. During college time I was on the edge of mania. Maybe I even was manic. If this means I get again this severe depression with severe psychosomatic pain like the last 2 times after mania I have to ctb very soon. The last severe depression lasted 2,5 years. I won't do that again. I warned everyone that this would happen everyone family and therapists told me I have to try college. I was sure when this goes wrong I have to ctb soon.
I am still going to college. As long as I do this the emergency state will last. But after that the severe depression will develop. I have now done nothing for college since 2 days. I was not that depressed since a long time. If this really is the beginning of a new severe depression it is over. I am not doing that. I have sworn to me I ctb if that happens.
However there are also other explanations for my depressed mood. My friends told me I overstrain them with my daily venting. I know they are right but it hurts a lot. Moreover I might have the carpal tunnel syndrome which destroys my hobbies.

I am really curious what happens when this psychosomatic pain returns. I tried to prepare me emotionally to ctb when this happens.
The last 3 weeks the appoinments with my therapist fall out. I am not sure how I do it when the pain returns. I should act as I am not severe suicidal. Otherwise I will have to go to a clinic. I don't have the stuff here to kill me but I know how I can get it. My therapists and friends persuaded me in not buying it. Might have been a big mistake.
 
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H

healthrecovery

Specialist
Sep 25, 2021
378
9.5

Can't forgive myself for the mistakes i made
 
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Fadeawaaaay

Fadeawaaaay

Visionary
Nov 12, 2021
2,160
8. Unfortunately I feel better. Which makes it much more difficult to organize CTB.
 
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Callie Arcale

Callie Arcale

It’s a tale told by an idiot signifying nothing
Feb 10, 2021
852
Solid 10 tonight :-(
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
43,439
I was thinking the same thing. I cannot find that thread either. I wonder what happened to it. I wanted to post in it the other day. It was a very popular thread.
I am usually always a 10 for suicidal thoughts. So tired of living. All I want is to fall asleep and never wake.
 
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D

ddd1234

Experienced
Nov 23, 2021
268
9.5

Can't forgive myself for the mistakes i made
I have the same 10/10 all the time. Yesterday just got a dream job offer, 6 figures, autonomy and so on. But I have to refuse because I cannot work at all in my state, cannot concentrate, cannot meet people. I am in constant suicidal thoughts, high anxiety and anhedonia. Instead of making me happy, this information made me even more miserable, because I am aware of how good life could be if I didn't make a mistake. What a shame!
 
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_Minsk

_Minsk

death: the cure for life
Dec 9, 2019
1,142
9.5, i hate it, i hate this life, i hope it will go quick, this life is too cruel..
 
Fadeawaaaay

Fadeawaaaay

Visionary
Nov 12, 2021
2,160
I have the same 10/10 all the time. Yesterday just got a dream job offer, 6 figures, autonomy and so on. But I have to refuse because I cannot work at all in my state, cannot concentrate, cannot meet people. I am in constant suicidal thoughts, high anxiety and anhedonia. Instead of making me happy, this information made me even more miserable, because I am aware of how good life could be if I didn't make a mistake. What a shame!
It is extra difficult when there is so much opportunity all around us for prosperity… We know we don't have it inside us to cope with it so we have to embrace death instead… It's really tragic
 
Chikitawita

Chikitawita

A little about me
Dec 2, 2021
19
Mines constantly at 90% of the time with 10% being on responsibilities.
 
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