where I'm at for now.

[BurningLights]

Soc ts been over a week since I was here last..i somewhat regret drinking last werkend, been kinda symptomatic with the benzo withdrawals, hence not being here, anyway Where's the shout box?? Anyway, all my stuff has arrived, the ratchet strap, and all the stuff for the DMT.
Have already extracted and experimented with the DMT, its interesting, but currently my lungs are kinda fucked, so cant smoke too much, so 'breaking through' on the dmt is proving rather difficult, and sometimes uncomfortable when I'm trying to hack a lung up. If I can do enough then that should be good enough.
It's an interesring feeling, kinda similar to when you block the carotid for a short time, strange body high. It's very intense, definetly glad I practiced. Gonna go easy on on all smoking, give myself a chance for when I CTB... Which I'm planning on either this Tuesday or Wednesday. I have my daughter overnight on saturday, while this is good,( a decent amount of time with her) it meand i cant get rid of too much stuff, don't her or her mother (who will be dropping her off) realising that something is up.
I'm still gonna go for the night night method, but practising last night I could not get it right, I did the first time, and proper panicked, managed to undo the strap, then laughed manically...
Ive managed to get most of her chriistamas presents, which I'm glad about, I'm putting all her things in a little backpack of hers. She can open if and when she wants then.
I still need to get my ass in gear and sort things out, consolodating all camera gear for example. I'm trying to empty the place, just make it a hell of a lot easier for whoever clears the place out. I've already chucked like 8 black bags of clothes and junk.
I plan on stacking everything I own on my bed before i go. So all my stuff is just in one place. Should be avle to empty the flat in less than a day.
I need to rewrite my letter, make it all proper like. Gonna omit any personal notes, its too much to write something for individual people. Then if you only write a short piece for one, they might be wondering why for ever. I'm just going for the safe option. I just need to get my ass in gear, but there's not much more i can do before the weekend. So for the time being just plodding on.
I need to practice more with the strap. Make sure I can get it first go when the time comes.
Thank you all for reading my posts, listening to me amd replying, it means so much that there is people out there who care, (can't find anyone like that in real life) ive been so messed up by benzos and my own stupidity that even chatting to people here is really weird at times. Its like a I've lost the ability to be human... So yeah, much love to you all. X

 

[longingforrelease]

Hey friend,
It looks like you've really sorted things out and made peace with your decision. I hope your passing is peaceful and I'll try to remember when I think of you that you had reached the limit of what you could endure.

We've discussed this before I think, but how are you doing with the the thought of your daughter? I face the same issue. Do you mind if I ask how hold she is? It seems it will be clear to her that your passing was suicide. Can you help me with that? I worry that even if I am able to make it look like an accident it will still cause her a great deal of pain and I just can't seem to get past that. My behavior that broke up the family is already cause of shame and guilt so the thought of my way of dealing with that increasingly unbearable pain -- to take my life -- will only add to the suffering she has had to endure because of me.

I hope this doesn't stress you out but I'm hoping you might have some insights for me.
Thanks friend,
peace to you

 

[BurningLights]

Hey friend,
It looks like you've really sorted things out and made peace with your decision. I hope your passing is peaceful and I'll try to remember when I think of you that you had reached the limit of what you could endure.

We've discussed this before I think, but how are you doing with the the thought of your daughter? I face the same issue. Do you mind if I ask how hold she is? It seems it will be clear to her that your passing was suicide. Can you help me with that? I worry that even if I am able to make it look like an accident it will still cause her a great deal of pain and I just can't seem to get past that. My behavior that broke up the family is already cause of shame and guilt so the thought of my way of with that increasingly unbearable pain -- to take my life -- will only add to the suffering she has had to endure because of me.

I hope this doesn't stress you out but I'm hoping you might have some insights for me.
Thanks friend,
peace to you

Will pm you at some point today my friend. It's a heavy conversation, wanna reply with as much clarity (?) As I can.

 

[longingforrelease]

Will pm you at some point today my friend. It's a heavy conversation, wanna reply with as much clarity (?) As I can.

brother I really appreciate your willingness to share your experience with me. Of course PM will be great. whenever you're ready man

 

[TiredHorse]

Sounds like you've got everything pretty well thought out, BurningLights. I'll miss you, but I hope things go smoothly and you find the peace you need.

 

[BurningLights]

Sounds like you've got everything pretty well thought out, BurningLights. I'll miss you, but I hope things go smoothly and you find the peace you need.

Thank you tiredhorse, you've always been kind to me :) thank you. It sounds like it but the mental gymnastics I'm playing, I feel like I'm on the tipping point of losing the plot. I don't complain much, but shit is difficult.

 

[TiredHorse]

I'm in a weird place myself. I'm exhausted by three attempts in three weeks, and at the moment I feel like I've lost focus. Something really changed after my latest try, on Sunday night/Monday morning. I feel like my despair got so hot it burned itself out, and now I'm floating around numb, unable to draw on it for impetus. It's still there, and still awful, but it's distant now --which is in some ways worse than it being overwhelming. Have I "lost the plot," as you say? I can't tell. In some ways I'm terrified that I no longer have the drive to ctb --does that mean I have to live in this fucked-up life? Oh, please, Universe, hell no! But I just have no idea where I am at the moment.

Anyway. Yes, shit is difficult. I hear you, and I sympathize completely.

 

[TAW122]

Ctb is one of the most difficult decisions that one can make and that isn't even including having to hide one's intentions and method away from suspecting, goody-two shoes fuckers who try to sabotage and ruin one's exit. I too, oscillate between dying and continuing at times. Even if things do (temporarily) improve, it is usually brief and then quickly becomes the usual torment again. I've lived for 28 years and experienced ups and downs, and I have no interest to entertain the possibility of a new low or a new high, it simply isn't worth it for me either. I've come to a guaranteed conclusion, I will not live until old age and will likely die via ctb, if not sooner by either accident, human causes (being murdered), or what not.