Where I am at

[One Day At A Time]

So I am a new member and joined to see if I am the only one who feels the way I do. I will give you an overview of life for me, I apologise if it seems all over the place; just goes to show where my head/thoughts are at.

- I am married to someone who thinks the world of me.
- I don't feel I deserve the unconditional love that my partner provides to me.
- In fact I feel I don't deserve to be liked by a single person on this planet; I have rock bottom self-esteem.
- I whole heartedly believe that others needs are much more important than mine, even if it means I'm the one who suffers by meeting their needs.
- By definition I am lucky and have a comfortable life; I live in a Western Country, I don't really go without and can afford to work part-time.
- Having said the above, I place a huge important on money and the perceived freedom it could provide. Work has a massive impact on my self-worth and yet brings tons of stress. Therefore I feel huge pressure around bringing in an income and staying in employment.
- I worry about what others think of my and how the world perceives me. This is to the point it paralyses me and has a massive impact on my mental health.
- I have depression and anxiety and have medication to "help" support me with this.
- I see a Counsellor weekly.


Anyway I feel trapped in life and honestly don't know how to deal with it. To the point I feel exiting is the best option available to me. The irony of this is that one of my biggest fears is death, and yet I consider it on a regular basis. I also don't like pain and a complete wimp when it comes to it. In my head I would chose to exit in my sleep peacefully and not be aware of it on any continuous level at all. Is there such a thing?

Again I apologise if this makes no comprehensible sense. I'm just brain farting out my thoughts which does help.

Anyway comments and thoughts are welcome

 

[Painfu.Ll.suffering]

First of all, i am very sorry for how you feel....

Yes there is such a thing... Its called sodium pentobarbiturate or nembutal but only an option in Switzerland with assisted suicide...

Where could this trapped in life feeling come from? You have a partner, a job,... It sounds like you have to find out what you want out of life... Especially if you don't consider your own needs important i could imagine that there is an inner child who just wants to be seen... Do you enjoy stuff? And if so, what? What do you like to do?

 

[One Day At A Time]

First of all, i am very sorry for how you feel....

Yes there is such a thing... Its called sodium pentobarbiturate or nembutal but only an option in Switzerland with assisted suicide...

Where could this trapped in life feeling come from? You have a partner, a job,... It sounds like you have to find out what you want out of life... Especially if you don't consider your own needs important i could imagine that there is an inner child who just wants to be seen... Do you enjoy stuff? And if so, what? What do you like to do?

Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Not sure where the trapped feeling comes from; I guess I don't feel I have control and constantly worrying about what others think of me - to the point it is quite literally paralysing.

I overthink way too much and want to escape from my head.

I don't really have any hobbies, not sure what excites me tbh. Everything requires too much effort.