Discussion Where did it all go wrong?

[AJ95]

We were just talking about this in chat.

Every time I see a photo of me as a kid, I remember how things were for me back then and I wonder where it went wrong in my life.

As a kid I was happy, smart, I had lots of friends, I enjoyed going to school, I enjoyed being alive, things were good.

Now I'm chronically depressed, completely miserable, I can't even get through a single subject's uni work, I have no friends. I've had 3 past suicide attempts and been hospitalized more times than I can remember. I'm actively planning my death.

If you'd told 10 year old me that this is where I'd be at 24, there's no way I would've believed you. Everything seemed so bright back then, so hopeful. I thought by now I'd be worlds away from where I am.

And now I'm sitting here wondering where it all went wrong?

If you graphed my happiness in life, the high point would've been something over 10 years ago. And I had no idea, but that was the happiest I'd ever be, from then on it was just downhill all the way.

Once mental illness sets in it never leaves.

Where did it all go wrong?

 

[Stick]

I have no idea... I honestly think I was wrong from the start.

 

[Ghost2211]

I didn't walk away when he said "if you love me you'll abort the baby". I kept the baby, but I ignored the red flag.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I never stood a chance.
Physically abused by my father, psychologically and emotionally abused by my step dad, brainwashed by my mom...
I don't think it would have mattered what path I chose. I was always going to end up here.

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

I have no idea... I honestly think I was wrong from the start.

That is what I believe as well. It was always really hard for me to fit in anywhere. Even when I somehow did have friends or I don't know what to call them, I felt like I was a ghost that's presence does not make a difference. As you might have guessed already, being like this I was an easy target for bullying. The things at home weren't normal either, but I don't want to pour my life story out there, as I am not comfortable with sharing too much about me.
Suffice to say my childhood experiences and my personality doomed my future. When I think about my past the present becomes clearer to me. Even though I could make progress later in life somehow I always ended up being depressed again. I believe I am just broken beyond repair. A decade of therapy might do something, but it requires great effort, which I cannot even put in my everyday life, and what is underneath would never change. Neither do I believe that I am a good person. I can see too many similarities between me and family members who are not the kindest people on Earth for sure. I tried to avoid becoming like them but I cannot deny my genes, I act like that by default and many times I realize it after I've done something, or sometimes even in the process but I am such a horrible person that I am just not able to care. I know that I am not the only one like this, even though they cannot accept the fact that they share negative traits with a hated family member. Also, I feel like I just repeat the same mistakes over and over again, though I did make unique mistakes as well haha. It would be much easier for me and others that I will hurt in the future for me to just stop existing. Not only do I hurt them but myself as we with my actions. Right now I am where I am partly because mistakes I made that could have been avoided. It affects me in many aspects of my life, though it is not the only problem, but I already wrote many things and might have gone a little off the track so I'll stop now sorry.

 

[Mellowmood]

Made my first suicide attempt at around 8 years old when I realized that I would be spending most of my life working and doing boring shit till I die of an illness in a hospital.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Shortly after my birth and onwards. My life had been a journey of wrong going even wronger.

 

[blackdogs]

Sometime in middle school when I no longer felt the joy of being a kid.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

My breaking point was around five years ago when I got "cucked". Even though my heartbreak from more recent events is way more intense than that ever was, I'm still not over this event either because it started swirling my preexisting self loathing downward spiral deeper and deeper.

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

My breaking point was around five years ago when I got "cucked". Even though my heartbreak from more recent events is way more intense than that ever was, I'm still not over this event either because it started swirling my preexisting self loathing downward spiral deeper and deeper.

I can relate to you too much, though I can't determine an exact breaking point, maybe when I was born.

 

[Mr2005]

Take a guess

 

[foxdie]

I think I was doomed from the start. My life has just been fleeting moments of false hope with varying levels of being miserable mixed inbetween. I'm so fun at parties

 

[SipSop]

When I was born.

 

[ygornimoy]

It went wrong the day I was born.

My mom went to the US, and my grandma raised me in Panama. I always suffered from severe anxiety, and people took advantage of me.

I had a speech disorder, and, as a teenager, acne all over my body. My family denied me all kinds of doctors because they were religious fanatics
and believe God would take care of my problems.

I went back to this shithole country called Panama, with an Electrical Engineering degree around 2001, but I couldn't find a job, so I moved to
full stack web development, but all the customers I had gotten in the last 12 years have been mostly crap, and the money I make is barely
$800, a good month. I see people younger than me get better, improve their lives, buy homes, and I still live with my family at 50.

That's how frustrated I am.

I am going to talk to a psychologist in a few months, and I can barely afford one. Last hope for change. In a few years, being a programmer will be too much, since I should be retiring as a programmer by now, or be a manager, not a freelancer.

 

[LastWhisper]

I can't remember the moment when it could have been, it seems like things were going wrong for several years before I noticed it. But it's too late now. I can't imagine that I was a happy kid with no issues in the past, as if it were not me.

 

[262653]

Funny thing about humans, some of us learn how to fuck before we learn how to survive on our own.

It went wrong for me when I end up as a loser in one serious conflict. In the wildlife it would likely be lethal, which would be for the better, because after that turning point I can't describe this life as worth experiencing anymore. Wildlife sounds very harsh, but at least weaklings recieve a consolation prize in the form of their demise. In man-made world weaklings can be kept alive like cattle, and set on a breeding loop to generate more cattle as the old generation ebbs away. Ebb and flow, ebb and flow.

 

[specklenought]

I used to think I was happy as a kid, but now I look back and I can see the signs there too. Idk whether is a self fulfilling prophecy. But I wasn't happy as a kid, for a while I thought I was, but I everytime I get to this place that I am now, its like i was fooling myself. Idk its like gaslighting ur own happiness if that makes sense???

 

[Futile]

The world decided that my life would've been shit since day 1 and so it was

 

[Deathbydemo]

I really don't know. This question is very interesting. If I had to pinpoint one particular event or emotion that spiralled out of control, I guess I could say my most recent ex leaving me back in July. That isn't the sole reason for me wanting to CTB but it is definitely a huge factor. It's made me realise who I am as a person and that person is someone I dislike very much. He made me see I'm not worth it.

 

[FatalSystemError591]

When I watched my mother walk out the door when I was 4. Legitimately I was close to the door and saw all the suitcases, and heard the door slam. I didn't understand it at the time, but my therapist said that was the pivotal moment when I developed depression and C-PTSD. When my dad remarried two years later, he married a woman that knew my mom and abused me because she hated her and was jealous that he married my mom first.

If it wasn't for those two things, I probably still would have been an okay kid.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I remember the first thing that went one. I got traumatized by my foster Dad when I was 3.

 

[Lilacmoon]

...I'm not sure where my desperate need for attention came from, but when I acted on it and started sexting men while in high school, then my ex found out, and then it all went downhill.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

As a child when pastors inappropriately touched me and I was bullied in school, at age 22 especially everything went to hell, when my ex raped me and all of his abuse and trauma he caused essentially killed me but I was left alive in a meat suit.

I hate looking at pics of myself pre age 22. I had a life, a name, possibilities...but it got ruined. That woman is dead now. Even my face changed from physical abuse I endured and drug use.

 

[Meditation guide]

I hate looking at pics of myself pre age 22. I had a life, a name, possibilities...but it got ruined that woman is dead now. Even my face changed from physical abuse I endured and drug use.

I relate so much to this. I see pictures of myself too, before age 25, when I was reasonably pretty, to age 25 when I was drinking so much every night and it's so sad. I look back and see my college photo and remember the terrible hangover I had that day. I remember how hard it was to smile that day and the photographer telling me my eyes weren't smiling.

 

[EmptyManForever]

I think for me it was not getting the right things at the right time (for example counseling would have helped me better than medication ,if only counseling came to me first before meds) and its really ironic that all the good things came to my life only after when my life was completely destroyed ,and all the bad things came to me first, my life would have been great if the good things came to me first instead of the bad ones, but now the good things keep showing themselves in front of me when i am at my lowest and they cant help me now, i guess nothing can!

 

[TheGoodGuy]

When I entered puberty it was the last nail in the coffin of my amazing childhood.

 

[Dead beat dad]

We were just talking about this in chat.

Every time I see a photo of me as a kid, I remember how things were for me back then and I wonder where it went wrong in my life.

As a kid I was happy, smart, I had lots of friends, I enjoyed going to school, I enjoyed being alive, things were good.

Now I'm chronically depressed, completely miserable, I can't even get through a single subject's uni work, I have no friends. I've had 3 past suicide attempts and been hospitalized more times than I can remember. I'm actively planning my death.

If you'd told 10 year old me that this is where I'd be at 24, there's no way I would've believed you. Everything seemed so bright back then, so hopeful. I thought by now I'd be worlds away from where I am.

And now I'm sitting here wondering where it all went wrong?

If you graphed my happiness in life, the high point would've been something over 10 years ago. And I had no idea, but that was the happiest I'd ever be, from then on it was just downhill all the way.

Once mental illness sets in it never leaves.

Where did it all go wrong?

Friend I feel this with every fibre of my being. I feel so sad when I reflect of the innocent optimism of youth and how the world will just grind it out of you.
I didn't know it till much later in life but for me it was school.
I remember being so happy as a little boy before school (the bits I remember anyway) and then school started and its been downhill from there.
I suppose like all of us there are tonnes of other contributory factors, but nothing like fucking people up when they're young and watching the wreckage unfold, sick fucks.
Anyway, despite being a broken retard I will always choose love and with that in mind I'm sending love to you friend. Love for the awful things that you've suffered and how bleak things are for you. I know I'm just a stranger from across a keyboard but I honestly and sincerely hope you can catch a break and that some like shines for you.
Love and respect friends

DBD

 

[BPD Barbie]

Life was good until I hit my teens and started looking more like a woman, that's when the sexual abuse started and its been a downhill spiral ever since then. So I'd say around 13 or 14 things went wrong for me.
My early childhood was good though, I lived with my mother and grandparents, I enjoyed life, being out on my bike, climbing trees, feeding ducks with my grandparents in the lake near the house. Fond memories I have of those times.

 

[happyhappyfunny]

It all went downhill since i lost too much weight too quickly due to eating disorder. Im fully recovered from ED by now but nothing really changed except symptoms of malnutrition. It's been like 4 years since i started to recover but the list of mental illnesses that i have is getting longer and longer actually.

 

[Gentleman]

When I won the race to the egg.