Venting Where did I go wrong

[bedtimebabe]

I look at friends I've had and people I've known and a lot of them are genuinely content with their lives and even happy I would say. And it's not fake. And then there's me… and now I fully hate my existence, I feel constantly like a wrongness, and all I'm able to think about these days is CTB. Every day feels like some terrible strange nightmare that I can't wake from and all I'm really doing anymore is biding my time until I CTB. I constantly wonder how it is that my life turned out so bad especially when I've tried so hard like I've really tried to be happy and make something of my life and I've just gotten the opposite.

I could go into what's going on in my life but I won't do that right now.

Anyway what I am saying is…
Do you ever wonder like… what is wrong with me???!!! What's so wrong with me that I never get the things I wish for and have gotten to the point where I can't even wish for life even, where I've fully lost the will to live. Why do so many people seem fine or okay and I can't even pass ten minutes without thinking about suicide, and contemplating suicide is like one of my only reliefs left?
The only thing that brings me happiness these days is contemplating suicide for real, and I feel so alienated talking to people who are okay and doing well. Not that I have many friends left or people who wish to talk to me.

But seriously… where did I go wrong? Does anyone else feel this way? It does feel like I've somehow completely failed life, while others make it look easy to exist or enjoy life.
How did I fail so miserably…

 

[saddestbunny]

life is like clicking the random character preset and then hoping for the best. it's very likely a large majority of people will be biased to having a bad experience :( I'm so sorry you've experienced this

I hope u can find peace

 

[carac]

If you rolled a dice and it came up 1 would you think it was your fault for rolling it wrong?

 

[bedtimebabe]

life is like clicking the random character preset and then hoping for the best. it's very likely a large majority of people will be biased to having a bad experience :( I'm so sorry you've experienced this

I hope u can find peace

Thank you, I am searching for peace and decided on CTB for peace hah

If you rolled a dice and it came up 1 would you think it was your fault for rolling it wrong?

No, that's a really good point, I'll try to keep that in mind… one very bad dice roll yes

Its not my fault it, it does suck though

 

[whywere]

At 67 years of age, reference point for this post, I have had from my "parents" who kicked me out at 18 and never heard from them again, 100% their choice, to business folks and the like who were/are ego driven, greedy and the like, I wondered why they seemed to be doing better than me. Well, after I peeled back the layers of B.S. that they had, I usually found out that it was all a charade, and they had as much or more headaches and heartaches as me.

Having no one, no family nor friends, except all the loving folks here, I consider you a good friend and never let the jerks get you down. Just as it seems that everything is going great for them, it really is not, as everyone has ups, downs and good and bad aspects in life.

We are all different, BUT overall, we are all the same, hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder.

Lots of huge hugs, love and the knowledge that having you here makes my life so much better, and I can never thank you enough for being a friend.

Walter

 

[katagiri83]

Very true indeed, Walter.

Well, after I peeled back the layers of B.S. that they had, I usually found out that it was all a charade, and they had as much or more headaches and heartaches as me.

 

[FuneralCry]

Sadly we just exist in this cruel world where people suffer all through no fault of their own, in my case I see existence itself as being the true problem and to me it's certainly understandable seeing death as a relief, I've always seen death as being the only relief as I believe it to be peaceful non-existence, freedom from this dreadful reality.

 

[zaros]

i can't comprehend how people feel genuinely happy, i dont think theres a single point in my life where i felt content. it hurts seeing everyone else living their lives and functioning in a group whereas i can only sit and watch from the sidelines, wishing one day that i could join in but knowing ill never be able to. i guess some of just were just doomed from the beginning

 

[bedtimebabe]

At 67 years of age, reference point for this post, I have had from my "parents" who kicked me out at 18 and never heard from them again, 100% their choice, to business folks and the like who were/are ego driven, greedy and the like, I wondered why they seemed to be doing better than me. Well, after I peeled back the layers of B.S. that they had, I usually found out that it was all a charade, and they had as much or more headaches and heartaches as me.

Having no one, no family nor friends, except all the loving folks here, I consider you a good friend and never let the jerks get you down. Just as it seems that everything is going great for them, it really is not, as everyone has ups, downs and good and bad aspects in life.

We are all different, BUT overall, we are all the same, hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder.

Lots of huge hugs, love and the knowledge that having you here makes my life so much better, and I can never thank you enough for being a friend.

Walter

Aw this is a really sweet post, glad we can be friends and bring solace to each other… thank you for your kind words, lots of hugs and love back!

Sadly we just exist in this cruel world where people suffer all through no fault of their own, in my case I see existence itself as being the true problem and to me it's certainly understandable seeing death as a relief, I've always seen death as being the only relief as I believe it to be peaceful non-existence, freedom from this dreadful reality.

this world is certainly cruel and full of suffering. And whatever my existence has come to needs to end because it's become miserable for me. I am looking forward to death.

i can't comprehend how people feel genuinely happy, i dont think theres a single point in my life where i felt content. it hurts seeing everyone else living their lives and functioning in a group whereas i can only sit and watch from the sidelines, wishing one day that i could join in but knowing ill never be able to. i guess some of just were just doomed from the beginning

I feel the same way! it's just pure sadness, especially watching others live their lives. I've asked myself many times if there was a time I was truly happy, and that was only when I was a kid, since then it's been just disappointments. I guess we are doomed idk what it is i just know we don't deserve this suffering.